


Selfless

by PrimaDea



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Drama, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Falling In Love, Friendship, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Rough Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-25
Updated: 2015-03-11
Packaged: 2018-03-15 00:30:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 49,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3431318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrimaDea/pseuds/PrimaDea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Winter Soldier has been cleared and debriefed, as Steve tries to introduce him back to society, Bucky's interests lie elsewhere. Cecilia, Steve's roommate, seems to elicit quite a reaction from the former assassin. As he makes himself an important part of her life, will she open to him, will she let him in. Will Bucky succeed where the Captain failed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please review. Love to know what you guys think :)

There were 4 ounces left to drink, four more shooters and she would be done, her stomach was churning dangerously, her head was throbbing, her eyes seemed to tell her that the world was askew. Cecilia snatched the next shooter, slammed it down, she felt the hot liquid slowly making its way down, then stop, and start coming back up... She was going to be sick. Her body keeled over, her breath got heavy, and her eyesight went black, she felt someone grab her, pull her along and then felt the cold air hit her skin, and passed out.

The morning light was harsh to her eyes, she cuddled closer to the heat source next to her and tried to forget that she needed to get up. Slowly the realization that she was A. Not in her bed, and B. not alone, dawned on her. Closing her eyes tighter, she prayed to what ever deity was in these days that she had not, as the song went, "gone home with a 10 but woke up with a 2", turned around and opened her eyes. And exhaled the breath she had been keeping. Next to her, his face as close to hers as could be, laid her besf friend, her buddy, her roommate, her bbff. Steve. She had fallen asleep in his room, again.

She laid there, let him put his arm around her and pull her close, cuddling. It was nice, no pressure, they were friends, and this was normal for them. They weren't lovers, though they had tried to be, at the beginning, but it just wasn't something that worked for them. She wasn't ready for something serious and he wasn't into something casual. Instead they had found this perfectly great way of spending time together, where they went out drinking and he brought her home, and they cuddled. Besides, it wasn't as if they hadn't already shared pretty much everything. So a little more intimacy wasn't much of a problem.

Intimacy had been a big issue in their budding relationship, earlier on, THE main reason why Steve had needed to get away. Cecilia just couldn't open up, where he was an open book, she was as tightly closed off as Fort Knox. When he had wanted more, she had wanted one night stands. And where she had wanted no strings attached, Steve had needed something real. At least, like this, they both got what they needed. Cecilia got her friend, her physical connection, and he got someone that was there for him, no matter what. Both loved the other, it was obvious, but not in a romantic way. It was complicated for onlookers, but easy for them to fall into this perfect friendship, where both got exactly what they needed.

"Good morning" She yawned, looking over to him, she saw him do the same before he sat up in bed, scratched his head a few times, looked at the alarm clock and got out of bed.

"How are you feeling?" Steve seemed concerned, but not overly so, he had seen her in much, much worse conditions.  
"Head hurts a bit, but I'll be fine. Aren't you supposed to pick someone up at the airport this morning?"

"Yeah, I'm heading out." Steve was already putting on his pants and belt, quickly grabbed last nights shirt, before grabbing his car keys in the hall. She heard him yell out a "I'll be back soon, I am taking your car." before hearing the door shutting loudly behind him. Then nothing.

Steve was excited, he was picking up Bucky at the airport, a very close friend he hadn't seen in about nine months. The last time he had seen Bucky was when he had delivered him to the secondary S.H.I.E.L.D. base in California. Since then, they had spoken on the phone a few times, even Skyped once or twice. Bucky had slowly gotten most of his memories back, learned how to live in society, again after so long, and now he had been allowed to come visit Steve. He knew he had to be "gentle" with Bucky, his long time friend might not be quite as excited about meeting Steve as Steve was about seeing him again. So, for the next few days, Steve had not scheduled any activities, he would let his friend get comfortable, get used to the place, then they would see. Maybe they would catch up on old times, maybe they wouldn't get along. Steve didn't really care, as long as Bucky was OK, and would have the chance to be more then a simple weapon, he would be happy, getting his friend back would be a bonus.

Steve got the airport with minutes to spare, He heard the flight arrival being called, saw the people coming out of the arrival gate, saw them go find their lugage, then he spotted Bucky, tall, self assured, hair tied back, longer then he remembered. He held a large duffel bag, helped an old lady find a trolley, before bypassing the luggage carrousel and heading towards Steve. His walk was different, Steve could remember how his friend walked, before, but now, with much more muscle then he had 70 years ago, and much more training and assertiveness, Bucky just didn't seem like the Bucky Steve remembered, and more like the soldier he had encoutered nine months prior. Steve wasn't sure what he had expected, but this wasn't it.

He watched Bucky walk up to him, roll his shoulder, before stopping in front of him and hug him, awkwardly.

"Hey", Steve reciprocated, greeting his friend, then showing him to Cecilia's car, helping him get the duffel bag in the trunk then headed home.

The ride home was awkward, more so then the hug, Steve wasn't sure what to say, and Bucky seemed content just sitting there looking out the window. Steve looking at Bucky suddenly had a stray though, Bucky was tall, handsome, well built, totally Cecilia's type... Cecilia... Suddenly he remembered who was waiting at the apartment. This could go one of two ways, he though to himself, either they hit it off and she manages to get the awkward out of the way, or they didn't and he would have to find a place to dump a body. He snorted.

"What's so funny" Bucky was looking at him, curious. Wondering what had made Captain America snort.

"Nothing. Just, I don't live alone, I have a room mate. A girl, I mean, Cecilia."

"Did you finally get yourself a dame?" Steve blushed, there was no other way to call it, his pale face turned two shades darker in less then a second.

"No, She, we, were not like that. Just friends." Steve wasn't sure why he was embarrassed, in fact, he wasn't sure why he wanted to make it abundantly clear that there was in fact nothing between him and Cecilia. "This is her car, I only own a bike" This time he heard Bucky snort.

"Figures, I didn't see you as owning a Mazda" Steve laughed, it was true, Had he bought a car it would have been American.

Cecilia was sitting in the living room, in a large old comfortable chair, a warm quilt wrapped around herself and her computer in her lap. She was reading reports, preparing herself for the presentation she had to give on Monday. The numbers were good. Better then last month. But not good enough. They needed to find more financial backers, maybe a new add campaign, she would have to talk to the marketing department.

Cecilia was engrossed in her work, her headphones on and her music blasting. She didn't notice the two men walking through the front door, Steve taking Bucky's Bag and setting it in his bedroom, or even Bucky, leaning on the wall across from her, staring at her through the lengths of hair that had escaped from the hair tie. She didn't notice his interested disinterest, or his sexy sideways grin as he looked at her, all caught up in her reports. In fact she was so much in her own little world, that she didn't notice Steve coming up behind her until he took the earphones off from her head, making her squeal in surprise.


	2. Chapter 2

Hate was not a strong enough word for what she felt every time Steve did that, surprising her, scaring her half to death, coming to her from behind in a dark hallway, tickling her out of nowhere when she was half asleep, watching scary movies then waking her up in the middle of the night to make her scream. He loved to see her jumping out of her skin, and she abhorred it. Captain America definitely had Asshole potential. And so he used it, pulling Cecilia's headphones off her when he knew damned well she hadn't noticed him walk into the apartment.

She Squealed, like a little girl. Before controlling herself and NOT jumping up in fear, her laptop securely clutched to her body with her left arm.

"What the Flying Fuck! Seriously!" Mission accomplished. She saw him grin, a large impish smile, then following his gaze, she turned around, still holding her laptop, to come face to face with Steve's Long time friend. And Holy cow did that get a reaction from her. Her face became flushed, her ears turned a bright red, her mouth stayed slightly opened, she had not expected to see an image of pure masculinity in her living room, leaning against the wall, and waving an amused hello in her direction.

"Cecilia, this is Bucky, Bucky, this is my roommate, Cecilia." She half heard Steve give the introduction, saw the tall dark stranger push himself off the wall with a simple move of his shoulder, realized he was walking, no, stalking towards her, she held her breath. As he came closer she noticed a few more things about him, his eyes were a piercing blue, beautiful, his lips were full, quite kissable, and the grin he was giving her was sinful. He came closer, in her personal space, gently took her hand in his, brought to his lips, kissed it lightly, before looking up at her and winking. SWOON!

"The pleasure is all mine" His voice was velvet, tinted by a very light, very sexy New York accent. And she realized that what she absolutely hated on most New Yorkers, she found completely irresistible in this man. Wow... this could become dangerous. She needed to get a hold of herself before she melted into the hard wood floors.

"Wow, I mean, Hi, nice to meet you. Bucky. Sorry I just didn't hear you guys coming in. I was working on some office stuff.. Ill just get out of your way." She shuffled out of the quilt and quickly made it to her bedroom before either men could say anything more. The door closed and Steve was sure Cecilia was presently leaning her back on the door, trying to get herself under control and not giggle like a school girl. He grinned. He had never seen Cecilia act this way, not around anyone, and he sort of like it, she deserved to have fun, real fun. Maybe Bucky being here could be good for her.

"That's your roommate?, you sure know how to pick them" Steve just grinned back at his friend, He could feel the attraction, to him it was obvious, Bucky was interested.

"She is special." Steve turned to the kitchen, he hadn't had breakfast yet and was getting hungry. Grabbing the ingredients he would need for a mega omelet.

"How do you mean "Special"" Bucky asked, doing air quotes.

"You know, she doesn't do the hero worshiping thing. She's real. I mean, She knows who I am and she has never asked me about what I do, she asks me about my day, but never more. Cecilia has this way of making you feel normal, you know, like you are exactly how you are supposed to be. She's just I don't know, special." Bucky mulled it over, before looking at his friend with a serious expression.

"And you two are just friends. Cause, you sound like you are more then that. You sure you're telling me the whole story?" Bucky was curious now, Steve was looking a bit embarrassed, and he seemed to be trying to evade Bucky's questioning look.

"We had a thing, a while back, before we moved in together. It didn't last long. I wanted more and she didn't. But we managed to become close. She's like my sister, man, I love her. Just not you know.. LOVE her."

Bucky nodded, he knew that sort of friendship, he had heard of it, never really lived it, but he understood it.

"I get it" He started helping Steve with the omelet, thinking things over, it was weird to be here, with Steve after so long, it was also very weird to be intruding on his life here with Cecilia. He felt welcome, but alien, and he had to admit, he would have preferred if the blushing brunette had stayed with them instead of running off to hide in her bedroom. He had enjoyed looking at her, earlier, before Steve assaulted her, he found her stunning, not just her looks, but the way she had about her, sitting there in the big chair, looking small in her quilt, her glasses half way on her nose, her brown hair disheveled in a messy bun, a pen stuck in there probably so she could find it later on, her laptop balanced on one knee as her other leg was folded underneath her, an air of semi seriousness as she was tapping her fingers on the side of the chair to the beat of the music she had in her ears.

She was nothing special, truly, but seeing her like that, in her own world, she had caught his eye, and his interest, when she had looked at him, those green eyes, that blush, the shyness, it had all called to him. He couldn't help himself, he simply had to flirt, it was so easy, so natural. Something he hadn't done in, well seventy years, if he had to be honest. Since his arrival at S.H.I.E.L.D. women had not been a priority, sure he had had a few "interactions" but never anything worth investing any time. As for before, well, there had been women, a few, probably prostitutes, just enough to keep his needs at bay. Now that he was here, free, somewhat, he felt the need to smile more, make jokes, flirt, sure he wasn't as comfortable as he had once been, but the urge was there, he just needed the practice.

"Does she know who I am, was" Bucky wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer, if Cecilia did know she might expect an explanation, or want to talk about it, if she didn't then he would feel as if he would have to tell her, then there would be questions, and he wasn't to comfortable with that.

"Sure, yeah, I mean, she was in DC at the time, she saw the news, I think she was on the bridge that day, but she never talked about it. But yeah she knows who you are, were." Steve was being honest, looking at him in the eyes, "She isn't like other people, she won't hassle you." Steve said that as if he truly believed it. "Why don't you go get her, the food is ready."

Bucky nodded, he seemed worried, as if Steve was maybe not telling him the truth, no one would just pass over the chance to sit with The Winter Soldier and not accuse, or ask questions. He shook his head, he would find out soon enough. He walked to the designated door, knocked twice.

"Food is ready." He heard some noises coming from the inside before the door swung opened and Cecilia appeared in front of him, almost walking into his chest.

"Hey, thanks" Her smile was dazzling, "I am so hungry, I could eat a horse, but not like Steve, Steve would eat a whole horse if he could, that man is a bottomless pit." She walked passed him, close, he refused to move away, liking the feel of her so close to him, he took the chance to smell her hair, it smelled nice and fresh, lemon grass, he liked it on her. He notice the skin on the back of her neck pebble as she came close to him and grinned, he was having an effect on her.

They sat at the breakfast bar in the kitchen, Steve eating standing up, Cecilia was sitting on Bucky's left, close enough to brush her arm on his when she reached for something. Bucky was a bit uncomfortable, his left arm, his metal arm, was the one she was brushing up against. Did she not know, did she not care, either way, Bucky wasn't sure how to act. She ate in silence, Steve talking to Bucky about how they would organize the next few weeks, Bucky would sleep in Steve's room and Steve would sleep on the couch. Cecilia was done, she got up, stumbled, and before she hit the floor Bucky had his arm around her pulling her tight against him with his left arm. His metal arm.

"Thanks, wow you are fast" She said surprised. Her hand went to his arm, squeezing just a bit, she didn't really want to move away, but well she was about to blush again. She felt him let go, though he seemed reluctant, Cecilia looked at him and smiled, before patting his arm and squeezing his shoulder. She got up on her toes and kissed him on the cheek, then putting her cutlery and plate in the dishwasher and disappearing back into her room.

Bucky wasn't sure how to feel, Cecilia had kissed him,on the cheek, mind you, and had not seemed to be bothered by the metal appendage. Although she hadn't spoken during the meal, and had already retired to her room, away from him, he was confused, and unsure about how it would be living in the same apartment for the next few weeks. How would it be when Steve was out, how would they interact, he hated having to wait to find out.

It was still early in the day, and instead of staying cooped up in her room, Cecilia decided to go to work, she still had more then enough time to finish her presentation, and maybe she could even get a team meeting going sometime this afternoon. As she walked out of her room, her computer bag packed, the house phone rang. She managed to grab it before Steve, who was on the balcony with Bucky, showing him the view.

"Hello"

"Hey there giggles, is the super soldier of the house there, I need to talk to him." The voice on the other end of the line was flirty, as always, and direct, as always, Cecilia loved to talk to Tony Stark every time she had the chance to, he was funny, he was fun to talk to and most of all he did not take himself or others seriously.

"Sure, let me get him for you." She walked out to the balcony, waved the phone at Steve before he rolled his eyes and took it from her hands. Walked away and continued the conversation in his room.

"I think it'll just be you and me tonight ." He turned to look at her, confused.

"That was Tony Stark, which means that tonight, Steve will be away on a mission and you and I will be cuddling on the couch with some popcorn, booze and a good movie." He raised his eyebrows at the allusion of them cuddling together and gave her a shit eating grin which made Cecilia blush, again. He was on a roll.

"Stop doing that" she swiped at his arm, "Stop making me blush, its childish and I don't like it."

"But I love it." He answered, widening his grin. He saw her roll her eyes and walk away, discarding her laptop bag in the hallway near the front door.

"Changed your plans Beautiful?" He said as he followed her indoors.

"Guess so gorgeous. You're stuck with me tonight." She walked back into her room and closed the door, leaving Bucky to wonder exactly what she meant by that. He was looking forward to making her blush a few more times, and that though was enough to make him smile to himself.


	3. Chapter 3

Cecilia had decided she would play it cool, admit she had an attraction, admit that she blushed, that he made her feel funny, that she enjoyed the feel of his strong metal arm around her, it made her think about how his flesh arm would feel, which then made her thing about how other parts of him would feel. But she had also decided to look but not touch. He was Steve's friend, he was almost family. And she would not do this to Steve. Besides, having a one night stand with someone you were sure to see again because he lived at your place for a few weeks, was just bad planning.

She would flirt and she would let him flirt, but she would be honest, to him and herself and tell him straight up that there was no hope of going further then that, just flirting, just plain honest fun. No more. No getting attached, or getting funny ideas. She was determined. She would let nothing emotional happen, nothing physical happen, it would be purely platonic. Then he would leave and it would be OK. In the mean time, she would go out drinking, find herself a man, a 10 if she had anything to say about it. She would let him fuck her brains out, then come home, sated and relaxed. That was the plan. So far.

Bucky was sitting on the couch, waiting for Steve to finish his call, wondering what he could do to pass the time, Cecilia seemed quite resolute to leaving him alone and locking herself in her room. Personally he was starting to wonder if it was him, she just seemed to want to flee. He shrugged. Id didn't matter, tonight he would get to know her better. He was curious about how it would go, would she feel comfortable alone with him, a killer, or would she make it awkward. He supposed it would be odd if she was comfortable with him, specially since they didn't know much about each other and she knew he was an assassin. If he had to base himself on the way she was acting now, she would probably run for her bedroom the second he got a bit flirty or audacious. He shook his head, that simply would not do.

Steve came out of the master bedroom, bike helmet under his arm. He was obviously ready to leave, his leather jacket on and a heavy pair of leather boots waiting to be put on in his hands.

"Sorry Bucky, I gotta go. The found a large Hydra base in North Korea and I got to go, Wheels up in 45." Steve put on his boots,Bucky nodded, got up to hug his friends goodbye. Steve hugged him back, then walked to Cecilia's bedroom door and knocked.

"Cecilia, I got to go." The door opened and Cecilia literally jumped in his arms, the helmet clattered on the ground, landing at Bucky's feet.

"Where are you going this time?" She still had her face in flat against his chest, holding him tight.

"I am headed to North Korea, I should be back in a few days, maybe a week." He stepped back away from her, lifting her face so he could look at her. "Ill be back Giggles. Soon, in the mean time, I need you to take care of Bucky, and let him take care of you. I know you a re strong and bright and so adorable" He said that with a grin."But he is here so he can help you out, like I do." He seemed serious. "And NO going out drinking. Please. You know how you can get." He raised an eyebrow.

Cecilia just nodded, hugged him again before he bent and kissed her forehead, he turned,saluted to Bucky and headed out the door. A minute later they heard the roar of his Harley, Steve was gone. Cecilia looked to Bucky, she always felt so alone when Steve left, she always worried he would not come back. A few days, that was code word for at least a week. Could she do a week alone with Bucky. Cecilia wasn't sure.

She turned around to head back to her bedroom, feeling safer there. But when she went to walk in an gentle hand on her arm stopped her.

"I know we don't know each other, and I am a bit scary, but we could hang out. Maybe watch a movie, talk maybe." She turned to look at him, he seemed just as lonely as she felt. If she was being honest with herself she knew she was being rude, locking herself up in the bedroom. He was a guest, and she should be more inviting, make him feel welcome.

"Sure, beats sitting and moping around." She smiled at him, she smiled a lot when she was around him, she had also noticed how her eyes always seemed to look at him, look at his shoulders and his chest and his hands, thats when she noticed the metal hand. It had not been obvious until now. He wore very long sleeves. that came down mid hand. But now, the sleeves had been hiked up and she could see the metal, shiny, the different plates making up the joints and fingers, the wrist, it was quite beautiful, it almost looked like a sculpture.

She saw him lower his sleeve, looking up to see an embarrassed look on his face, he had caught her staring at his hand,and he didn't seem too pleased. He turned around briskly, Cecilia hand shooting out to grab his metal wrist. He stopped.

"I am sorry I didn't mean to stare. It's just, I heard about your arm, Steve mentioned it a few times, and.. well... it's so perfect, its beautiful, really. I just couldn't look away, I was curious." She saw him turn back towards her, his face unreadable. His full lips in a straight line. His whole body was tense. "I am sorry." His face softened, his stance became less stressed, her hand was still on his wrist, her thumb making circles on the shiny surface.

"It's not something I usually show to people, I am not... it's complicated." His voice was soft. But she heard the pain in his words. She let him go, his hand came to her face, soft and gentle. It wasn't as cols as Cecilia though it would have been, in fact, it was as warm as skin would be. She could feel the different plates, shifting ligtly against her skin and let herself lean into it.

"I can feel, not as much as my other arm, but I can feel heat and some texture." It's a lot stronger then the other arm as well. Imagine the things I could do with that arm" She looked at him, surprised by his change of tone, from soft and gentle, to flirty and provocative. She smiled.

"I'd love a show." She winked at him. "Id love to see exactly what that hand can do. I bet its so much faster then the other one, I bet your wrist doesn't get tired at all." She wiggled her eyebrows and grinned. She saw him smile, a beautiful smile the reached his eyes. He leaned in to her, close enough for her to feel his breath in her neck and she couldn't hold back a shiver.

"Any time, I'll be happy to help." Then he straightened up, walked away, towards the living room, turned on the TV and looked back at her.

"So, what do you want to watch?"

Cecilia was frozen on the spot. He was so sexy, so damn flirtatious, she might just be out of her depths here. She walked to the living room and took her spot in her big old comfortable chair, she pulled the quilt on her lap and got cozy.

"Whatever, you choose."

He headed to the tower of DVDs, chose one, turned on the machine, fed the disc, then changed the input on the TV and the movie started. I dawned on Cecilia that this guy was from the same era as Steve, Steve who had issues with the microwave oven, and the alarm clock. Steve who needed help to figure out where to slide in a disc on a computer. Cecilia studied Bucky from her seat across the room. He was relaxed, he was sure of himself. He seemed to fit in, but yet not quite. He was completely different from what she had expected, complete opposite from Steve. And Cecilia liked that. Not that she didn't ADORE her roommate, but this man, in front of her, he was everything she had hoped Steve could one day become. He was everything Cecilia had always needed in a man all wrapped up in a gorgeous package. She saw him looking at her. She had again been found staring at him.

"Why don't you come closer gorgeous, I look much better up close." She giggled, nervous. But still she got up and sat on the couch with him. Close, but not to close, her feet on his lap. Sometime after the opening credits she felt his hand gently rub into her feet. Slow circles, the thumb coming in a bit harder then the other fingers, slowly he brought his hands higher, to her calves, and worked his magic there. Never going further, he just continued on with his ministrations until the end of the movie. They had both been silent, enjoying the story. Now he stretched, not pushing her feet off him, just getting a bit more comfortable.

"So darling, whats next? Your turn to choose." Cecilia got up and found another movie, fed it to the DVD player and went to sit down, Bucky had moved, he was now sprawled on the couch, with no place for her, except between his legs. He patted the space there and looked at her with a grin.

"You did mention cuddling." She had in fact mentioned cuddling, besides, it wouldn't be so bad, would it. He was warm and she loved warmth. Cecilia shook her head before heading for the reserved spot, making herself comfortable, she felt him relax behind her, felt his breath slow a bit, she looked up to look at him, a wide grin on his face. He wrapped his arms around her and the movie began. As time went by Cecilia grew more and more comfortable, enough to lay her head on his chest and stretch herself on the couch. He didn't seem to mind. In fact, every time she moved she felt his arms tighten a bit, making sure she wasn't going anywhere. It was a good feeling. Sort of like with Steve, but not.

It was late afternoon when Cecilia and Bucky unfurled from the couch. Getting up and stretching, it felt good. He hadn't said a word through the whole movie, even now, stretching, looking down at her, he didn't say a word, instead, swiftly, he grabbed Cecilia around the waist and pulled her against him, eliciting a squeal. Bucky couldn't help but smiled. That had to be the cutest sound he had ever heard. In one swift motion he leaned into her and swept in for a kiss. Surprising Cecilia into a gasp, using it against her, he pulled her closer, his tongue intertwining with hers in a breathtaking kiss. He heard her moan, felt her give in, felt her relax in his arms, and just when he though he might have won this fight, she surprised him by pushing him away, ducking underneath his arms and backing herself away from him, her hand on her lips and a terrified look in her eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

She seemed so scared, terrified. She stood there, looking at him, her eyes were locked onto his, her hands shook, she continued to back up until she hit the wall then turned and ran to her room, by the time Bucky figured out what had happened, she had changed and left the apartment, the door closing loudly behind her.

What the fuck had happened there. Bucky was still reeling. It had felt right, so nice and sweet, she had kissed him back, she had moaned, she had relaxed even, he knew he hadn't imagined it all. Following his instincts, he grabbed his jacket and followed behind her. He had not heard her keys jingle, so he assumed she was on foot. Sure enough, as he reached the sidewalk, he saw her disappear behind the next corner. Slowly but surely he followed her keeping his eyes opened just in case.

Less then five minutes later he was watching her walk into a bar. She sat herself at the far back, facing away form the door, He watched as she ordered a drink, then another, while he sat at the far corner, facing the door and his prey. Bucky ordered shots, whiskey. He was a Whiskey man, always had been, even when he had not been himself. It had taken him a long time to realize there were two different people living in his body, first there was Bucky, the nice guy, total flirt and definite ladies man. And there was The Winter Soldier, the assassin, the spy, the warrior. It had taken months, three days a week of therapy to realize that he was actually both, and he needed to make peace with that. He also had to make peace with the fact that no matter how many shots he took, he would not, ever, get drunk.

Cecilia was still at the bar, already at her fourth drink, when he saw the bar tender take out the tequila bottle and a shot glass. One, two, three shots, it took all his self control not to walk up to her and shake her, ask her what the fuck this was about, grab her like a potato sack and bring her home. But he didn't he stayed there and watched. When a man approached her from behind, he waited, stayed at his spot and ordered another platter of shots. He watched as they flirted, when Cecilia ordered more drinks, he saw the stranger put his arm around her, saw him kiss the back of her neck, watched as Cecilia leaned into him. It made him sick. The stranger pulled Cecilia off the bar stool, walked her to the back door, helped her out. Bucky could see she was not in any way shape or form capable of resisting. He waited, again, downed two more shooters. It was killing him, sitting here, knowing that whatever was going on out there was not something she would have ever wanted had Cecilia been in her right mind. But she wasn't, and so he waited, just a little bit more.

By the time he pushed through the back door, The stranger was on her, he had pinned her to the wall, a knife at her throat, working on hiking her skirt up and trying to get his pants down all at once. He had his lips on her, Bucky wanted to throw up. He heard her moan, saw her look away from the man pulling and pushing at her. Watched as she closed her eyes. He saw the resolve on her face, saw the pain,sorrow and resignation on her face. And he understood.

Rage lept in his chest, grabbing the stranger he pulled him off Cecilia, threw him against the opposite wall of the alley, then proceeded to kick him, once, twice, he felt something give under his boot, three times before getting bored and turning to face the wreck of a woman that stood behind him. Her eyes were wide, her skirt half way up her thighs, she had a light cut on her neck. She had problems focusing. Could hardly stand up straight, but still she found the strength to defend the poor excuse for a human being Bucky had just pulled off her.

"What the fuck Bucky, we were just.. he was.. What are you doing here." It made no sense to him that she would defend her would be rapist, and yet, he understood where it came from. "You almost killed him... I mean. WOW.. You followed me." She was incoherent. But he could see her eyes begining to focus, hear her speech slowly become less slurred.

"Is this what you want, some random stranger taking what he wants from you at knife point?" He was talking low, dangerously calm now." Is this what I need to do to get your attention, beat you and rape you and use you?" He was furious. He knew it was nothing personal. Deep down inside he understood. But it hurt so much to see it, to see the emotions in her eyes. "This is what you want.. Really? Is that your worth? an object to be abused."

He saw her think, saw the cruelty of what he had just said to her sink in.

"Yes... I mean.. I don't know... What do you want from me!" He saw the fear, the hurt, the hate. Saw the tears brimming her eyes. But they did not fall. "I see how you look at me, the disgust in your eyes. I know I am a whore, a slut, go ahead, tell me exactly what you think I am. Don't you think I know... Do you think I want this?" He saw the tears, heard the tell tale signs of sobs, saw her lower her head in shame.

"I am not disgusted by you. Cecilia, just.. make me understand. How is this what anyone would want." He opened his arms to show the alley. "How, why... I mean.. For fucks sake woman, make me understand."

"Why do you care, You don't even know me, Why do you care! I am nothing to you. Just some girl. Some girl that can't handle having a crush, or her alcohol. I'm just so damned tired Bucky. I just want to disappear."

"Come here Sweetheart, come on" He coaxed her into a hug.

"I don't want a hug Bucky." She almost screamed at him. She was so full of hatred and pain. It was sickening to him.

"You might not want one, but I sure as hell need one right about now." He looked dead on his feet. Exhausted. Emotionally drained.

He walked up to her and embraced her, his arms holding her tight against him. He felt her struggle a bit before he felt her hands pull onto his shirt and hold on tight. She cried on him and he let her. He was so fucking confused. So fucking sad for her. So ready to turn around and kill whomever that sorry excuse for a piece of shit had been. But this was more important. She was more important.

They walked home, she was wearing his jacket, his arm around her waist, keeping her close. Cecilia was still crying, he could hear her sobs. He wasn't sure what to do, he felt helpless, which was an emotion he was not used to feeling. He could feel her leaning heavier on him, she was drunk, still wobbly on her legs, he could still hear her slurring her words when she spoke. She was singing to herself, a tune he didn't know. It sounded sad, but with a catchy melody. Bucky listened intently, She had a soft voice, with a bit of an accent from he wasn't sure where. It drew him in, just like everything about her.

"You are not a whore, or a slut, or remotely disgusting, My beautiful Cecilia, you are just broken." He whispered in her ear. He felt her shiver in his arms, held her tighter against him.

Once he got her home he helped her to the shower, prepared a pot of strong coffee while listening to the water from the running shower. By the time she was out, feeling almost human, a fire was blazing in the hearth, her quilt was ready to receive her and a hot cup of coffee was waiting for her on the coffee table. He had moved the big comfortable chair closer to the couch, a small end table between them, facing the fireplace. Dressed in her silk pajamas and under the heavy quilt she felt much more herself. The head had stopped spinning and she was able to make a full sentence without needing to think about it first.

Cecilia did not want to talk about what had happened. She sat there, looking everywhere but at Bucky, sipping her coffee, knowing she would probably be up all night. She got comfortable, folding her legs underneath her, staring at her cup.

"Come here sweetheart." She didn't want to go, she wanted to stay right where she was, as far away from Bucky as she could possibly be. She was so embarrassed, humiliated would be a better word. He had seen her at her worst, even Steve had never seen her like that. She hated herself so much at that moment, tears started to fall, again. She heard him move, felt his arms pull her against his chest, before she could protest she was in his arms, being carried to the couch, and gently deposited next to him, the quilt had followed and he made sure she was well nestled before snaking his arm around her shoulders and holding her against him. Cecilia fell asleep cuddle against him on the couch, crying.


	5. Chapter 5

She woke up with a start, the person next to her violently thrashing about in his sleep. It took a few seconds before she recognized where she was, it was Steve's bed, but the man next to her was not Steve. She remembered now, Bucky must have brought her to his bed. She turned to face him, his expression hard to read in the dark, he was talking, mumbling, it sounded like Russian. He swung his arms about and kicked at the sheets before sudenly sitting up, breathing hard, his eyes blinking. Cecilia rubbed his back, tying her best to center him. She heard him gasp and grunt, before his breathing slowed to normal. He had had a night mare, he had panicked.

"You're OK, It's fine, You're safe." She repeated the mantra a few times before he looked at her, his eyes hollow. She had never seen him like this. It scared her. He didn't seem to recognize her. Cecilia framed his face in her hands. forcing him to look at her in the dim light. "Bucky, It's me, Bucky... James, you're ok. I'm here." She saw the flicker of recognition, before he finally saw her there. Not just some remnant of a bad dream.

"Say it again" He asked, his voice harsh. "Say my name again." She looked at him, not quite sure.

"Bucky?" She said it tentatively.

"No, say my name, call me James, I like that. It sounds sinful coming from your lips." Even now he was making her blush. She looked away, embarrassed, would he ever just stop making fun of her.

"Hey, sweetheart. Cecilia, look at me Baby." He coaxed her into looking at him, she could see the shadow of a smile appear on his lips. "Don't look away, I love seeing you blush, It's the sexiest thing I have ever seen." Her blush deepened, again she tried to look away, but this time it was him framing her face with his gentle hands, his metal thumb ligtly brushing on her lower lip. She felt him more then saw him come closer, felt him look at her.

"I am going to kiss you now, Just say no if you don't want me to, I'll stop." Cecilia wasn't sure what to do or say, she felt him lean him, closer, so close she could feel his breath on her face, then softly she felt his lips on hers, felt his hands leave her face and bury them selves in her hair, felt him pull her closer so close she could feel his heartbeat. She heard him moan and did the same, it was exquisite, then he pulled away, gently, as if to not startle her. She felt him exhale, his hands coming back to cup her face.

"James" It was but a whisper, but she heard a desperate sound coming from his throat, felt his hands tighten just a bit, heard his breath hitch, and felt him lean into her again. But instead of a kiss, he settled his forehead against hers. Still cupping her face, so close. "James", She whispered it a gain, her voice shaky. "Again." She felt him release what ever it was that he was holding back. His lips crashed on hers, demanding, he would take what ever she offered and then give back all he had. He held her close, wanting to lose himself in their kiss, hoping to wipe the slate clean for both of them, to start fresh. No shame, no embarrassment. No baggage. But he knew that wasn't possible. He broke the kiss, both of them panting.

"Go back to sleep Sweetheart. I'll be right here." She wasn't sure why she was lying back in his arms, she wanted to kiss him, feel him, touch him, take him, do so many things to him he would never think straight again, but instead, she listened to him and lay back down. She felt him cuddle up behind her, his metal arm wraping over her, holding her close. His other hand was under her pillow and their fingers were intertwined. It felt nice. Cecilia turned to face him, she wasn't tired, not anymore. She could see the time on the alarm clock, it was 5:20AM. Early, but not that early. He was looking at her. His beautiful eyes so dark she couldn't see the blue she knew was there. Her hand gently brushed the hair out of his face. She felt him shiver when her fingers touched his cheek, felt him lean into the her just a bit.  
"You seem wide awake" she brushed her fingers on his cheek again, the reaction harder to ignore this time. "Do you get them often, night mares?" SHe could hardly recognize her own voice, it was soft, shaky. She felt him nod, his eyes closed, she kept her fingers brushing his hair, his face, his neck, slowly exploring more of him. She reached the scar that made him different, it was thick to the touch, warm, raw. His breath caught in his throat when her hand rested on it. She could feel the soft flesh next to the hard metal. Her hand continued its way up his shoulder, ghosting over the red star that she imagined there, Steve had told her about it. Her hand made its way to his hand and she brought it closer to her face, her fingers playing with his. The dim light coming from under the curtains was reflected on the sleek surface. Bringing the hand to her lips she kissed his palm. He groaned, she felt him tense under her ministrations.

"You are killing me Baby." His voice was hoarse. " Leaning closer he kissed her exposed collarbone, the feeling of his cold fingers on her neck pulling the V neck of her T-shirt nearly made her jump out of her skin. "All I want to do is kiss you and taste you and hold you so tight." He kissed her again, this time lightly nipping with his teeth. Cecilia moaned and this time she saw him smile, he was so close. "Please go back to sleep, before I do something I shouldn't." She could see the pleading in his eyes, but she could also see the need for her to let him do what he wanted, the two sides fighting over whether to give in to temptation and feel sick about it, feel as if he was using her, or turning around and ignore his needs, and live with a clear conscience. He knew she wanted this, wanted him. But he couldn't give in. Couldn't prove her right, couldn't be another one of those men that just used her.

Bucky wasn't sure how Steve had managed to land her, she was so broken, so horribly broken. How had those two met. As he looked at her now, her face so close to his, he eyes so wide, her lips parted just so, her breath heavy, all he wanted was to prove to her just how wrong she was about herself. He wanted to show her so many things. But now, after knowing her for less then a day, was not the time. And after last night, he knew he had to tread carefully. She was fragile. He kissed her again, lightly, her lips so soft on his, before pulling her on his chest as he laid on his back. He played in her hair and heard her breath deepen, her heart beat slow. Finally when he was sure she was asleep he closed his eyes and tried to rest. His body fought him for a bit, but soon enough he was asleep.


	6. Chapter 6

Cecilia had crawled out of bed, hoping to not wake Bucky up. She had headed to her room to shower and dress, she had to go in to work this morning. Well, she didn't HAVE to, it was Sunday, but she needed to get out of the house, away from her house guest. She had embarrassed herself last night, and again this morning. She was going to loose her sanity if she stayed home with him.

Getting out of the shower she towel dried her hair, brushed her teeth, put her hair in a pony tail, it would dry on its own, before putting on her bra and panties and heading to her room to finish dressing. Cecilia stopped. There he was, sitting on her bed, wearing only a pair of boxers, looking like sin. The look he gave her was curious, she could see the dark circles under his eyes, and the air of resigned bitterness on his face. She felt bad.

"Good morning." His voice was clear this morning,empty of any emotion. "You could have let me know you were getting up, I would have made you breakfast." She understood the offer exactly as it was, an accusation, he knew she had tried to slip away unnoticed. She could see the confusion, and hurt in his eyes. He looked away fro a second, staring at his hands. When he looked back to her, the emotions were gone, replaced by a hardness she hadn't seen on him before. He got up, aimed for the door before she stepped in front of him, her hand on his chest, blocking his exit.

Bucky didn't move a muscle. Just stood there, facing her. She had no idea what she did to him, he could smell her soap on her skin, feel the heat coming from her body, and the view, in only her bra and underwear, he had to keep a tight leash on his reactions. Cecilia slowly came closer, her hand not moving. Her fingers splayed on his chest, she could feel his heartbeat. She was so close he could feel the lace from her bra. He moved his hand to hers, keeping it where it was. The tension was killing him. Here they were in her bedroom, half naked, her hand on his heart, and all he wanted to do was throw her on the bed and fuck her brains out. Repeatedly if at all possible.

"I woke up and you were gone." It was a whisper. "I thought, maybe after this morning, there was something there... I just don't understand." He let his hands rest on her hips. "What will it take to get close to you, tell me, what do you need me to do." He seemed sincere. Sad.

"I don't know. I just... I get scared. This, scares me, you scare me." She looked up at him. "Not like that... not YOU, just .. I don't know how to do this." He saw the frustration in her eyes, the hard line of her lips. Her body straight against him, no give.

"You'd rather have a man Throw you against a wall in an alley and force himself on you. You would rather I beat you, throw you on the bed and take what I want?" His hands grabbed her by both her arms, hard enough to bruise. "Is that what you want." He shook her, hard enough to hear her squeal.

"No, I don't... I don't know. Please stop. Please James, Please." He heard her pleas, repeated over and over again, her voice so soft he could hardly hear it. She was shaking as he put his arms around her. She was so fucking frustrating. "I am sorry. I, I don't know anything else." It broke his heart. "You shouldn't be here James, just walk away. I am not worth your time." And there it was. "I'll be OK. I always am." She tried to smile, but it came out as a grimace. "I manage just fine. I am just fucked up." She tried to laugh, but it didn't reach her eyes.

"And you think I'm not." She looked up at him, confused. "I was born at the turn of the last century, I lost an arm. I was experimented on, I became a weapon, I killed people Cecilia, I remember each and everyone of their faces. I killed CHILDREN. I was forced to undergo mind altering treatments. Sweetheart, when it comes to fucked up, I take the fucking prize." He sneered. "But I got better, I got help. I had Steve and doctors and shrinks and meds. And here I am now, Trying to play super hero to a very lost, very confused, VERY half naked woman." He saw her smile, heard a tiny giggle. "I want to be there for you, I want to help put your pieces back together. I want to show you just how much you are worth as a person. Please let me do that. I won't promise I can fix you, but I promise I will do my fucking hardest and try."

She stayed silent for a while, her ear on his heart. It took a bit longer before he felt her nod. He breathed a sigh of relief. Before holding her just a bit tighter. He kissed her head, feeling her relax in his embrace. She seemed to feel better, and so did he. They stayed like that for awhile, until he felt her shiver.

"Maybe you should get dressed, before I get other ideas." His smile was easy going, Cecilia nodded again, before letting go of him and putting on some clothes she had laying around, a T-shirt and a long skirt. Comfortable for a lazy Sunday. She met up with him in the kitchen, the coffee was already brewing and she could smell the bacon cooking. Bucky was making her breakfast. No, James was making her breakfast, he had asked her to call him that, and so she would.

"I figured I'd make us breakfast." He stood at the range in just a pair of jeans, sitting quite low on his hips and showing off a very pretty view. She sat at the breakfast bar and waited to be served by her would be waiter. She was famished, the last meal she remembered having was the omelet from the previous morning. Thinking on that she realized just how hungry James must have been, as a super soldier, he needed constant caloric intake. Poor guy. She waited patiently for her two eggs, bacon and toast to be brought to her, with a steaming cup of coffee, of course, and dug in. James had at least half a dozen eggs on his plate and had already dug in like a starved man. They ate in silence, not an awkward silence, but a nice comfortable silence. Once they were both done, the dishwasher was loaded and they moved to the living room with their cups in hand.

The fire was roaring in the fire place. James had started it back up earlier, it was nice and warm there. They sat on the couch in silence for a while. The sound of the coffee machine in the background. She was sitting across his lap, his strong arms around her nestled in the old quilt. It was still early, the clock on the mantle showed 8:15, they had the whole day in front of them. She cuddled closer to him, he was so warm. She felt him settled more comfortably.

His fingers gently stroked her neck, her cheek, before hooking under her chin and gently coaxing her into looking up at him. He looked at her with heavy lidded eyes, leaning down just enough to touch his lips to hers, he waited, it took a few seconds before Cecilia took the cue and kissed him, his lips responding immediately, their tongues playing, she was smiling into the kiss and so was her. It was sweet, not demanding or bruising. He pulled her closer still, having her straddle his hips, getting her as close as he could. He felt her hips move over his groin and growled.

He realized now that taking things slow with her would not be an option, she understood sex, she had lived through enough to not know how to deal without it. He would let her decide, let her direct what ever it was that was going on between them. She would lead, and he would follow, for now. He felt her grind herself against him, heard her moan ligtly as she dominated their kiss, biting his lower lip, James responded with a visceral growl. What had started in a sweet kiss had become a burning inferno, James managed to get rid of the quilt, his hands making their way under Cecilia's shirt, caressing her back, as her hands lost themselves in his hair.

She continued to grind herself on him, feeling him through both their pants, He felt so ready, and she was so wet. Her hands left his hair, coming between them, aiming for his jeans, she worked her fingers on the button down fly then, felt her way from his toned abs to the under side of his boxers. He was hot, hard and so ready, the moan he let out as she wrapped her hand around his shaft was animalistic. She saw him close his eye and throw his head back, lips parted. His hands were tight on her, his nails digging into her back side. Their breaths were short, panting, they kissed again, this time James taking control as she worked his member until it was hard as rock. He felt her try to push down his jeans, just enough to free hi erection, while his hands were fastly and desperately hiking her skirt up and working her panties to the side so he could make her feel as good as she was making him feel.

His fingers caressed her softly, hearing her gasp he did it again, felt her rock herself on his hand, his fingers feeling her wetness, slowly he entered a finger, then two, deeply, she squirmed on him, the noises she made driving him nuts. She sat herself on his hand, letting him finger her, stretching her, needing to feel filled. Until, finally, frustrated, she felt the material of her panties rip, and was slowly lowered onto him. He was thick and long and oh so perfect. They stayed that way, unmoving, for a minute. Both breathless, a huge shit eating grin on Jame's face. Cecilia looking at him with lust filled eyes. He kissed her again, languidly, before moving his hips into her. His hands on her ass cheeks, he guided her, set the pace. Her hips pirating on top of him, it was blissful. So close, her arms around his shoulders, her face nuzzled in his neck, moaning his name over and over. He bit down on her shoulder, gently at first, then harder as he heard a satisfied grunt come from her. Still he continued to lift up his pelvis to match with hers.

At some point Cecilia held on to his shoulders, lifting herself with her knees and thighs, just hi enough to feel him almost slip out, before letting herself slam back down again, she did that a few times, prompting James to spew out words she did not understand. He made a point to tell her she was a good girl, tell her she was perfect, that she was so much more then he had expected. When he flipped them. Pulling her off him just long enough to reposition her on the floor, him on top, he heard her ask for more, disappointment clearly showing in her perfect face. He took a few seconds to pull off his jeans before climbing back onto his lover.

He made her wait, kissed every bit of her he could get his lips on, when he settled between her legs , her legs on his shoulders, she was begging him to make her cum. But he took his time, he wanted to make her feel as good as she had made him feel. Wanted to let her know just how good she truly was. But also, he wanted to hear her beg. He licked her, ate her out with appetite, slipping his fingers inside her again as he licked and nibbled, driving her mad. By the time he was done, Cecilia was begging him to do what ever it is he wanted to do to her, as long as he let her come. With a grin he quickly went to task, burying himself deep inside her, he kept a punishing pace. No sooner had he felt her walls gripping at him and milking him for all he had, did he feel himself slip into the rolling wave of his orgasm. Finally sated, they both lay there, boneless, on the floor in each other arms.


	7. Chapter 7

He thought he had made it abundantly clear, that he would be there for her, help her, but by the time he was out of the shower, Cecilia had already left. He swore under his breath, knowing full well he had anticipated this. Truth be told, he knew she would run, he had just been naive enough to hope she wouldn't. James setled on watching some Netflix on his own. He was mulling over what he would say to her at her return, when the home phone rang right beside him. He picked it up and answered. He could hear some static on the other line, a bit of an echo, before he heard Steve's voice, loud and clear. Satellite phones were a wonder of modern technology.

"Hey there"  
"Bucky?" Steve sounded a bit surprised. "yeah it's me. What's going on with you, did you get to your destination yet" He heard the echo, waited a second before he got the answer.  
"Not yet, ETA later on tonight, your time. For now were still on a nasty excuse for a plane." He paused, talking to someone on else. "Is Cecilia there?" James hesitated.

"I think I fucked the pooch on that one." He heard Steve chuckle, could see him in his minds eye shaking his head and rolling his eyes.

"You took her to bed. For crying out loud Bucky, what happened." He heard Steve talk to someone again. "Let me guess, she went out drinking."

"Yeah" James felt embarrassed. "I didn't know what to do, it was crazy, she is fucked up." He heard Steve chuckle again.  
"Yeah, she is. But she is so hard on herself to. Did she run from you? She is good at the disappearing act. She used to pull that with me all the damned time." James mulled it over.

"I think she went to work. She took her laptop with her. and there's a pair of heels missing form the closet."

"Do you really like her," James just grunted.  
"OK this is what you are going to do..." Steve proceeded to explain to James exactly what he needed to do to get through to Cecilia. James took notes, writing down the information he needed to remember then, after thanking his friend he hung up, grabbed his jacket, Steve's Motorcycle keys and left.

Cecilia was in her office, writing up her presentation for the next day. Her desk was clean, only cluttered by three flat screens computer monitors, dishing out the live feeds coming from the call center on the lower floors. The different statistics flashed on the different screens. Sometimes there would be "ping" where she would have to answer question on live chat feeds,but mostly, she was left alone. The call center floors were full, not so much the top level where the office staff worked.

Cecilia was the head trainer at the call center. She made sure all the councilors on the phone were well trained, you couldn't just put anyone on the phone, you needed to have them trained, and ready to handle what they got on the phones. Dealing with suicidal people, battered women, gay teens and rape victims was not for everyone, and Cecilia made sure only the qualified ones made it to the phones, the other could help out doing other things. In non profit organizations, you needed all the help you could get. Cecilia had helped build this Non-Profit, she had seen it come forward from a plan on paper to a six story high building housing all the man power they needed to help the ones in need. She had put forward the four different departments. Had worked personally on the curriculum. Had even invested more money then she wanted to admit into this organization, and so far, it was a frank success. This had been her dream, fresh out of her psychology degree. And now she was living it.

The phone on her desk rang, She picked it up, wondering whom it could be. "Cecilia Gaillard, how can I help you." She listened as the guard at the front door explained to her the situation. Exhaling loudly, she told him to stay put, she was coming down. She hung up, rolled her eyes at the interruption, and headed to the elevator to reach the front lobby.

James waited in the lobby, wondering how she would take him just showing up at her work like that. There was no one else in the lobby, except for the guard. There was no name on the outside of the building either, and James was starting to get curious. He heard the sound of heels hitting the stone floor, looking up at the escalators he saw his Cecilia slowly coming towards him, she wore a beautifully tailored skirt suit, black, with a pair of red stiletto heels. Her hair was up in a bun, her face was clear of any make up, she smiled at the guard as she made her way to him.

"Did Steve put you up to this?" She didn't seem mad or surprised, in fact she seemed sort of relieved. James shrugged, giving her a non-committal grunt.

"Should have known he couldn't keep his nose out of my shit, even half way across the world he still manages to control my life."

"He isn't controlling your life baby, he cares, that's all." Suddenly, she felt bad about talking like that about her friend. They climbed the escalator and took the elevator back to her floor, James following dutifully behind her.

"So, what is this place? there is no name on the front of the building" Cecilia sat at one of the plush chairs in her office, signaling to James to sit in the chair across from her, she reached down and grabbed a bottle from the drawer next to her. She opened the bottle and took a swallow, handing it to James. "You sure you should be drinking, last night was quite a night." She looked at him, took the bottle back and took another swallow. "So what, now you're going to try and push me away, we slept together and now what, you just walk away. " He saw her shrug. "Sweetheart, I said I was going to be there for you and I am. But you need to be there for me to. There is something here. And I for one refuse to walk away from it." She looked at him, unsure.

"Bucky, I can do friends, I can do fuck friends, but I can't do what ever it is you want from me." She took another swallow.

"OK, first off, say my name, and secondly I don't care what you think you can or cannot do. I wont let you sabotage this for me." He grabbed the bottle from her and staring her right in the face, he emptied it in a few swallows.

"Fuck!, James, seriously, did you just chug my cheap booze. What the fuck!" She saw him grin. His eyes lighting up.

"Say it again Baby. It sounds so damned sexy when you say it." Cecilia blushed, this man had her in the palm of his hand, and she didn't like it one bit. "Come on baby, say it, say my name." His beautiful blue eyes were pleading, he fell on his knees in front of her, his hands on her knees, working his way under her skirt. The different texture between his left hand and his right was very distracting.

"James, please stop." He heard her, but he didn't see her try to stop him, she was just sitting there, looking at him, looking at her. His hands stayed on her thighs, his thumbs running circles on her hot skin. "What do you want from me, James. Tell me that at least." He rested his head on her knees, reminding her of a puppy.

"I want you to want to be with me." He was serious, she looked at him, he wasn't grinning or smiling, or anything like that, he was serious. She ran her hand in his hair, felt him lean into her hand.

"It's complicated. It's not that I don't want to be with you, I mean look at you. Have you seen yourself in a mirror lately. And you are nice and sweet and it's like you have the whole package. But as much as I want to... I just don't know how to. He straightened on his knees, they were face to face, his hand cupped her face and he kissed her. No preamble, just a straight forward kiss.

"You want to try?" He whispered, kissing her again. She nodded. "Let me show you, let me guide you." He kissed her again, this time she reciprocated. "Let me be there for you." again he felt her nod as he lean in and kissed her again. "Good girl." He smiled against her lips. "Wanna give me the grand tour before we head home?" She smiled at the change of subject, nodded again. He stood and took her hand, helping her up. She walked him out of her office and down a flight of stairs to the call center. Cecilia explained to her what their non-profit did, explained to him what her job was. How she had worked on this precise project for over ten years now. He seemed impressed. The subject matter also seemed to interest him. How was it that such a woman, with so many issues, would be able to build and organize a whole company in order to help others. It blew his mind.

There was so much more to her then met the eye. Cecilia was showing him around, introducing him to her co workers, James talked to a few people that manned the phones, he got to see them in action, these people were passionate about their work, Cecilia had obviously put in all her energy and free time into this. This was amazing, SHE was amazing. He saw her smile as she explained to him the way they trained their councilors, how she told him she had put together the curriculum, that she had created the different departments from scrap. She was so proud of her achievement, a huge difference from how she usualy was when it came to herself. He was completely enthralled by THIS Cecilia. Granted the Cecilia he had met yesterday was something amazing as well, but this side of her, the passionate, self assured part of her, it was a fucking turn on.

By the time she was done showing him around, both of them were famished, Cecilia ordered pizza for the whole call center, and they all ate in one of the large conference rooms. It was nice to see her in her element, she had friends here, well work friends, people who understood her, more then he did, and the way she interacted with them, asking them about their lives, their spouse kids, pets, she was really good at what she did. James hadn't known she was a psychologist, probably because Steve believed he would have been scared off had he had known. But on the contrary, it peeked his interest just a bit more. She was so broken, yet she had all the tools she needed to fix herself.

By the time they got home, James had been over thinking things. He needed a break, a nice relaxing evening, some nice music, maybe some interesting conversation. A bottle of wine. Dancing. Sex. Whatever. He smiled to himself while he planned the perfect Sunday evening. He had put on an old vinyl record from Steve's collection, something smooth. He had once again fed the fire in the hearth. Cecilia was in her room finishing off some paper work, and he wanted to have a comfortable and soothing atmosphere for her. He wanted her time with him to be relaxed, cozy. I was easier to build on good experience then it was on bad ones, and so James was using a trick his therapist had taught him. In order to relearn you need to bring in positive reinforcement, make new memories.. And so, that is what he was doing. By he time she was done, the sofa had been brought closer to the fireplace, the music was was smooth in the background, the fire was lit, the place was warm and cozy, her quilt was waiting for her fresh out of the dryer, and James had poured them both a nice glass of wine, accompanied with some dark chocolate.

You could never have to much chocolate.


	8. Chapter 8

Cecilia was truly touched, James had prepared a haven of comfort and safety for them, She was glad she had gotten into something more comfortable. Her flannel Pj's might not be the sexiest thing, but she was nice and comfortable, that seemed to be the theme of the evening, comfort. She got herself settled on the couch, James taking care of the finishing touches of his master plan. Bringing a large plate of dark chocolate, with berries and fruits, there were two large glasses of red wine already waiting for them on the side table, Cecilia folded her legs under herself, picking up her glass, she tasted it, it felt full and smooth on her tongue. James dimmed the lights before joining her in the living room.

"this is nice, thank you." She took another sip, picked a piece of chocolate and savored both, together. "So, what made you think of this?" She was a bit curious, no one had ever done something like this for her.

"I figured we were do for something mellow. No pressure, just hang out. But in style." He smiled, he was proud of himself for making this happen, it didn't take much work, moving some furniture around putting music on, all he had to do was come up with the idea. He sat down at the other end of the couch, leaning in the corner, so he could face her. "You like it? The chocolate brings out the full taste of the wine." He put a piece of chocolate on his tongue and took a sip of wine. "It's utterly sinful." He was looking at her now, no expectations. Just looking.

"It is very good." She smiled, the taste was not one she was used to, but she could get used to it. In fact she was planing on doing this again, some time soon.

"If I ask you a question, a personal question, will you try to answer it, or run off to your room again?" He was serious, but the soft smile on his lips showed her he was teasing her, just a little.

"Go ahead, I'll try my best." James flashed her a grin. A twinkle in his eye told her he was liking what he saw right now, and so she squared her shoulders, waiting for the question.

"How did you know you wanted to go in psychology? I mean, I look at you and, I am sorry to say, you are not the most balanced person I know." He was surprised when she chuckled. Her eyes showing her mirth as much as the sound coming from her throat.

"I wanted to be able to give to others what I never got." She sipped her wine again, staring at him. "Help, give comfort, warmth, safety, I want to make sure that there are less and less people like me out there without help. I want to be the reason why broken people, If I use your analogy, get help. I want them to know that there is another way. That you don't have to live with...You don't have to live with the pain. It kills you from the inside. It eats at you until you become lost, until there is no way to find yourself again. I don't want anyone else to go through that." She put her glass down, her green eyes meeting his blue ones. She could see the emotions on his face, he was like an open book at the moment. James didn't seem to know what to say.

"What happened to you." As he said it he knew he had crossed the line, knew he would loose again, she would hide, run away. He was expecting the worst. "I am sorry, I shouldn't have asked that." He saw a sad smile come to her lips and a few emotions he could not name cross her face.

"I don't feel comfortable talking about that." She hadn't run. In fact, except for looking down at their drink and doing her best not to look at him, there had been no change. He nodded, then remembered she wasn't looking at him.

"I am sorry I asked, It was rude of me." She looked up at him, the shyness from the previous day had returned, he could feel her being uncomfortable. Her breath had changed, she was obviously trying to control her breathing. He could hear muted sobs. James felt guilty, he had made her feel like that. He felt such hatred for himself at that moment. He reigned it in. This was not about him. "you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to baby. I am so sorry."

" I want to, I mean, I know it has to come out, but It won't. It's stuck here." She put her hand on her chest. It's stuck here. It won;t come out. It hurts. It never goes away. I have night mares and some nights I don't sleep at all. It's easier with the drinking. I can sleep then. I forget. Not forget... but I.. It numbs." He understood that part. It was nothing new to him. He had gone through the same thing. At the beginning.

"I tried therapy, but it made the nightmares worst. I have to live with it I guess, I don't think it'll ever go away." She continued, tears flowing. Her hands shaking. Her voice unstable. "I am still there you know, every time I close my eyes I go back there." She was doing good, her breathing was under control, her tears were still falling, but she seemed in control. He came closer, making sure he wasn't scaring her off. He was so close to her now, her arm brushing against his. He felt her head lean on his shoulder, without thinking his arm snaked around her shoulders. He kissed her head, giving whispered of encouragement, telling her how good she was, how strong she was. He kissed her temple, her head, her cheek, anything he could reach. As she broke down in tears in his arms.

He felt her hands on his chest, as he heard her sobs lessen. It felt wrong. Her hands making their way to his neck, to loose themselves in his hair, she kissed him, passionately. James reeled. This wasn't right. He pushed her off, gently at first, then with more conviction. When he felt her teeth on his neck and her hands on his belt he got up. This was so not right.

"No Cecilia." She looked at him as if he hadn't said anything. Her hands going back to his belt. Again, James backed up. "Baby you can't really want this now." Again she said nothing, just got on her knees in front of him and again went for his belt buckle. James was shocked. " !" He grabbed her hands and pulled her up. "This isn't right. Please, Stop." She seemed hurt, betrayed.

"I need this James, I need you, this is good for me. Please." James couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Please James, Please, please fuck me, please. Make me feel better." It killed him to refuse her. He was rock hard, and that also disturbed him. He wanted her so badly, all the time. But this was so many shades of wrong. He would not be able to live with himself if he took advantage of her. Instead, he pulled her in his arms and held her tight.

"I can't baby. I can't give you that. I am going to help you, make you feel better, but not like this. Please don't ask me to. Please don't make me do this. I couldn't live with myself." She looked up at him. Her tear stained cheeks making his heart hurt. Her hand framed his face. Her thumb wiping at something right under his eye. He was crying. She looked at him again, staring. Before she pulled his face to hers and kissed him, a light and chaste kiss. He let her. She seemed to have stopped her tantrum. Her tears had stopped. So had her assaults.

He sat down in the big comfortable chair, pulling her to him, holding her like a child. rubbing her back soothing her. He still felt disgusted with his own reaction. He would get over it. He felt her put her arms around his neck, her face hidden in his neck. He could feel her warm breath against his skin and it made him shiver.

"I will take care of you. I promise. But that means you need to trust me. Always." He felt her nod. Felt her nuzzle a little closer. He had gone from wanting to help her to promising to take care of her, quite a leap. She brought out the possessive side of his personality. The aggressive side. The Soldier side. Usually he would have minded, but for her, he would manage. He could deal with it. He heard her breathing change, felt her straighten a bit in his arms. Then she starting to speak. And he listened.

"I.. I am so fucked up." He heard the self disgust in her voice. "It started so long ago. I was nine. He was my step dad's son." He heard her sniffle a bit. "He started by scaring me, stupid kids stuff. Then he started killing our pets. My pets. He would hide the corpses and come get me at night to show me where he had hid them." She shivered. "I was so much younger then him, I couldn't refuse.. He was fourteen at the time. He was so dark. So... weird." She hugged him tighter. "Then he started terrorizing me, telling me he would kill my mom. My friends. Forced me to hang out with him, to play with him, in his room. In the garden shed. In the cellar." She was shaking now. "He beat me when he was mad. Or happy, he beat me all the time. Our parent's weren't home often, it was just me and him. I couldn't stop him. He was so much bigger then me." She had started crying again. And he held her tighter against him. "He was so much bigger then me...I was supposed to listen to him, to do as he said. He was the responsible one. I couldn't stop him. He was so much bigger then me." She was wailing now, her crying had turned to sobs, he couldn't understand her anymore. She hid her face in his chest. Holding on to him so tight. He just wanted to hit something. Wanted to scream, wanted to kill this man that had broken this woman.

They stayed like that on the big comfortable chair until the fire burnt out, until the stars were out, and the crying had stopped. James still held her, she was silent now, but not asleep, just quiet. He caressed her hair with his metal hand, wishing it was the flesh one, so he could have felt the softness. He felt her hands let go of his shirt, her hands unclenching. Her breath on his neck turned to a sigh, before she gently pushed herself off his chest. Her head was down and he couldn't see her eyes, though he was sure he would see relief there, maybe . He hoped. He gently turned her face to his with his shiny finger. Her eyes so green his breath caught in his throat. Her eyes were still a bit red, which made the contrast even sharper. Even now, disheveled as she was, she was still the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Cecilia leaned into him, her lips pressing against his. Without a second though he reciprocated, kissing her, slowly, gently, letting her set the pace. Making sure to reign her in if he felt uncomfortable. But he never had to, he broke the kiss, slowly leaning away from him. Then gave him a soft smile. She still looked sad, hurt, she was still broken, but she was trying and that was all he could ask of her.

"I could let myself fall for you, you know that." She surprised him. He was not expecting her to admit to something like that, specially not after only knowing her less then 48 hours. "I would be so easy. Just looking into your eyes and let it happen." He heard the longing in her voice. He felt it. The need coming from her was palpable. It wasn't something he was used to, not something he knew quite how to deal with. He felt something for her, he felt attracted, he felt pulled to her, he felt protective and possessive and so damned needy when it come to her. He couldn't think straight, couldn't think of anything but her. He was determined to become something important to her, to become her world. Could he let himself fall in love with her. Damned Straight he could. Did he want to. Definitely. Would he let himself, probably.

And that scared him to death.


	9. Chapter 9

The morning found them in their own beds, James getting ready to face the day. He had planned on going to work with Cecilia. They were reorganizing the third floor and needed people willing to work with their hands. James had hands. He could work. Besides, he was going to go mad staying between these four walls all day. He made himself and Cecilia lunch. The coffee was brewing, Cecilia was in the shower and they would be leaving in less then half an hour.

She came out looking and smelling fresh. He hugged her good morning before handing her a steaming cup of coffee. Leaning against the counter he finished his own as he watched her trying to make her peace with last night. They had stayed nestled together for a long while, cuddling and kissing ligtly, before finally saying goodnight and heading to their own rooms. He did not regret his decision, going to ber with her last night would have just made things more complicated for her.

"Thank you for the coffee. I needed it. I slept like a log, but the getting up part wasn't easy." He smiled. He had had the same issue, that bed was a dream come true for insomniacs. Hit the bed and fall asleep, in a snap. No dreams, not last night. "So everything ready, you're ready for a day of hard labor?" Her eyes sparkled as she sipped her coffee. James smiled.

"With you as my slave driver, Of course." His metal arm snaked around her waist and he pulled her to him, waiting for her to put her cup down he kissed her. Smiling when she kissed him back. "We should get going soon,you ready?" She was. They headed out the door, James handing her the bike helmet. She just grabbed it, undid her bun and slipped it on. She slid in behind him, lightly her hands splayed on his front. She hated motorcycle. Steve had tried many times to get her to enjoy it, but the ingrained fear of death just never went away.

They got to her work in record time, bypassing the traffic. They entered the building, which was much more crowded then the day before, Cecilia got a "visitor" pass for James, clipped it on his shirt before patting his chest affectionately.

"Come on big boy,lets get you to work." He chuckled, his mind going to the gutter. To easy, he thought to himself. "So ill settle you on the third floor, we need to get rid of the cubicles to put in some open concept computer tables. It's easy work, we just don't have the man power." He saw her frown. "Anyways. You know where my office is, come see me when ever, my door is always open." Her voice got softer. "For you." She straightened as the elevator door opened, she led the way, there were a few standing cubicles, the others were already taken appart on the floor in a heap. there were many large boxes leaning on the back wall. in another corner of the room were computers and screens and chairs all rounded up pelmel. He looked around, swept the office space with a analyzing glance, then grinned and nodded.

"I can handle this, will there be anyone else, or is it just me?" He took out his gloves and slid them on. Just in case.

"I am not sure, we need this done by Friday, so people come down here when they have some free time. But as you can see, we are way behind schedule." She sighed. She felt him come up to her, his hands on her waist.

"Ill take care of it. Don't worry, it'll be done." Cecilia kissed him, it was just so easy to be with him. He kissed her back. "You'll be late for work Miss. Gaillard." He kissed her one last time before turning away and heading to the cubicles.

The presentation went off without a hitch, byt he time lunch rolled by she was starving, she had completely forgotten about breakfast that morning and right about now she was annoyed about it. She heard a throat clearing from her office door. Looked up to see James, waiting to be allowed in. Her face lit up, she smiled. He had such a cathartic effect on her, when she let him.

"Come on in James, make yourself at home. She moved some papers from the chairs and motioned him to sit down, he had brought lunch for which she was more then grateful. "My hero, you brought food!" he noticed she was wearing a red dress, with knee high boots. She must have gotten changed in the locker room, James was sure she had been in jeans and a t-shirt that morning. She saw him study her, blushed and looked away. "I changed for the presentation. Do you like it?" He eyes her up and down again, almost salivating. He was reminded of another brunette in a red dress, so many years ago, that had only had eyes for Steve. Red was a good color on her, brought out the dark hair and green eyes. Made her alabaster skin almost glow. Her eyes looked to his shyly. He saw the blush creep up dangerously. She was almost embarrassed.

"I approve" He said with a sexy grin. "And those boots, They look great on you, though I am pretty sure they would look better settled on my shoulder." Forget the blush, she was positively vermillion. He smirked. Loving the fact he could make her blush so damned easily. "Look at me baby." She did, still red all the way up to her ears. "I love seeing you blush. It's so sexy, makes me" He grunted, making a show of getting himself comfortable in his pants. Of course she just blushed more and he laughed out loud. She was so precious.

"I hate when you do that." She took her lunch from him and sat down at the same chair she used yesterday. Opening up the bag on her knees and taking out a ham sandwich. "Nice, that looks so good." She saw him smile, puffing up his chest in male pride. He had provided food for his woman. Achievement unlocked. When exactly has she started thinking of herself as HIS woman? Cecilia brushed away the thought and bit into the sandwich. It was as good as it had smelt. She saw James do the same. He grabbed two water bottles and handed one to her.

"So the cubicles are done, and I started putting up the tables, I think I should be done sometime tomorrow. I'll need some help with the computers. I turned one on to see, they seem to be running on a really old version of windows. If you want them to be ready fro Friday I'll need someone to help with the upgrades."

To say that Cecilia was surprised was a understatement. She was stunned.

"I am sorry, what now?" She looked at him, her sandwich half way to her lips, confusion written on her face.

"Well, all the other computers on your floors are on a way more recent version, I noticed that yesterday. But the ones on the third floor are really old and running a non supported version. I would only take a few hours to upgrade them all. IF I have a few people helping out. If I do it on my own, one by one, it'll take forever."

Still, Cecilia didn't see to understand exactly what he was saying.

"You know computers." It came out on its own. No filter.

"Well, I am no expert, but I can handle an O/S Upgrade or two, and I am pretty good with most tech stuff, if I say so myself." He seemed sheepish, for the first time she she met him. "I was given a few crash courses at SHIELD. You can imagine a crash course at SHIELD is NOT your average introduction class." Again he seemed proud, he had achieved so much in so little time. It was mind blowing.

Cecilia nodded, why not, they needed more people, they were tight on man power as it was, and a good tech was hard to find. So far they had one guy part time and thoug he was pretty good, the salary they offered him was not competitive. And so he needed another form of income.

"Sure, Ill find you a few people, just for this week though, we are pretty short on people." He nodded. They continued eating in a comfortable silence. Soon they were done, James quickly kissed her goodbye before returning to his tasks on the third floor, and Cecilia got herself ready for another meeting.

She was meeting Sam and a few more people from a Veteran's rights group looking into new way to treat PTSD. Sam and herself had been working on a plan for the past few months, all they needed now was some funding, nothing much, but still, they needed this group to accept their proposal. Cecilia was optimistic, Sam was climbing up the walls. By the time all was said and done, the papers were signed, a contract was being drafted and everyone was happy. Specially Sam.

"How about we go celebrate." Sam was excited. "We could go out, grab a few drinks, I know Steve isnt here, but I could make sure you got home OK." SHe could hear the flirting. There had never been anything between her and Sam, but that didn't mean they hadn't flirted. They always flirted. He and Steve were her saviors, the men in her life that were there when she needed it, her crutches. But now she had a nother, one that pushed her boundaries, that wanted her enough to tell her, to make her do what she needed to do, not necessarily what she wanted to do.

"I'll have to ask James if he wants to come." She saw it dawn on Sam's face. "How about I text you when I know." He nodded,

"sure, sure, I forgot he was in town this week." He hugged her goodbye, kissed her cheek and left. Cecilia grabbed her papers, cleaned her desk a bit, logged off her computer and went to meet with James on the third floor. She wanted to see how much had been done. The elevator door opened and Cecilia could hardly believe it, all the cubicles were gone... not a single one left. The carpet had been pulled out, tiles put in, James was presently talking to a few guys that were organizing the work tables together, some computer were already set up on a few work stations. She could see a group of people in the back finishing up the flooring. It was perfect. there was still so much work to be done, but it was so much better then it had been just eight hours earlier.

"Like what you see?" She turned her head to find James grinning at her, wiping his brow with his sleeve. "I managed to get a few guys from the call center to help out after their shift. We managed to do a lot in just a few hours. Looks good, right?" She was speechless.

"This is awesome. I might just have to move on this floor so I look at your handy work everyday!" She wasn't even teasing, this was so perfect. He had done all this for her, well in part, he had done it to help out, but she could let herself believe that it was for her. Couldn't she? "Think you so much James." He was beaming, puffing out his chest, feeling proud. She pulled him to her, unsure, her arms around his neck, she pulled his face to hers and kissed him. "Thank you." She whispered in his ear as she let him go. He kept his hand on the small of her back.

"I want to stay here a bit longer, finish the floor up, maybe put up all the tables." He looked a bit apologetic. "Would you mind taking a cab home. I'd join you there in a few hours."

"Sure, take your time, Sam had asked us to join him for a few drinks later on, but I can cancel. I could make us a nice diner for when you come home. Or I could go get changed and help you here" She offered. He looked at her a bit surprised.

"Nah, tell you what, Ill finish up here, then head home, Grab a shower and we can go out with your friend." He moved his gloved fingers on her neck. "I shouldn't be to long." She smiled, Loving the way he was compromising, just for her.

"Perfect, I'll text him, he will happy to see you again." A blank stare appeared on his face. "Sam, you know him, remember. Falcon." A look of understanding finally passed on his face.

"Sure, so I'll see you later sweetheart." He kissed her breathless, before leaving her to get back to his improvised work crew.


	10. Chapter 10

It had been a long but very productive day, in fact, James could not remember a day being so productive in the past few months. It had also been mind numbing, Pulling things apart, building things, organizing. He had actually enjoyed it. Tomorrow he would start on updating the operating systems. He needed something to do for the next few days and this seemed ideal for him. Deep inside he was sort of hoping he could find a place here, he was starting to feel like he belonged. He had met a few really cool people today, had been friendly and open. It was different from his everyday. Maybe going to work for shield was not what he truly needed or wanted to do.

He got home dropped his keys on the table in the entryway and walked into the kitchen. All he wanted to do was sit on the sofa and twist open a beer. He noticed talking in the kitchen, walked through the arch and, pulling open the fridge door, greeted Sam and Cecilia. She was cooking something that smelled divine and Sam was sitting at the breakfast bar having a beer. James grabbed a beer from the fridge, twisted it opened, took a deep swallow before pulling Cecilia in for a tight hug, making her squeak in surprise.

"How was your day?" She whispered against him. He breathed her in, she smelled fresh, delicate. He put down his beer to hold her even closer. He had missed her. He needed to feel that she had missed him as well. He didn't know why but he just needed to hear it. It was visceral. "I missed you." There it was. A soft smile crept on his lips.

"I had a good day" He said as she let go of him, laying a quick kiss on his lips. "I felt good to be doing something other then nothing." He looked to see Sam staring at him. Extended his right hand to shake the other man's in greeting. "How about you Sam, how have you been."

Sam looked at the extended hand, then standing up and walking around the counter he pulled James into a tight man hug.

"Been good man, how about you, been ripping any more wings lately?" The two men chuckled, James shook his head, they shared a look that meant a lot to both of them. "So you two a thing now? Captain Asshat leaves for a whole two days and you guys are already going at it like rabbits." He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. Cecilia looked away, knowing her blush would betray her.

"You know Sam, just cause you can't get at this doesn't mean you have to be jealous, there's enough of me to go around." Sam spit out his beer in surprise and mirth. Even James seemed surprised by his own joke.

"Well you know me, Always ready to get some of the Winter Soldier action." There was an uncomfortable silence, until both men started laughing. Cecilia just watched them. She was fascinated. This man she was falling for, seemed to be coming into his own, and it was beautiful to watch. Steve would be proud.

There was a knock at the front door and Cecilia went to answer, opening the door she saw a tall woman standing there, looking down at her phone.

"Can I help you." the tall dark haired woman looked at her, smiled and extended her hand.

"Hi, I am Maria Hill. May I come In, I need to speak with Sergeant Barnes. Cecilia stepped aside, letting the woman in, she had heard a lot about Maria Hill.

"This way, we were about to have diner, would you like to join us." Maria seemed to think it over before nodding and smiling.

"That would be great,thanks. I didn't have much time to eat today, I am famished. I am sorry, you must be Cecilia, Captain Rogers has told us so much about you." Cecilia smiled, shy. She led Maria to the kitchen, where James and Sam were discussing a particular subject in whispered tones. Maria greeted them, shaking their hands each in turn.

"Gentlemen. Nice to see you again." She sat down and accepted a large plateful of salmon and rice, waiting for everyone to be served.

'Dig in everyone, careful. it's hot." Cecilia filled her plate and got comfortable standing against the counter, James standing next to her.

"So, I take it you are not here just for the food, Did Steve forget to check in?" James was as serious as she had ever seen him. Eating his food and eying Maria, analyzing her body language. Maria put down her fork, swallowing her mouthful, before looking at him, just as serious as he was.

"He missed four." Cecilia's heart stopped. Four check in's that meant Steve had been incommunicado for at least sixteen hours. She put her plate down, James moved closer to her, put his arm around her, holding her up. She felt as if she was about to pass out. The breath had been knocked out of her, and she had gone paler then a corpse.

"Breath Sweetheart, just breath. He will be OK. Steve ca handle himself." James was talking her down from her panic attack, holding her tight against him, whispering in her ear. She felt her legs holding her up again, felt the breath come back to her, slowly. Before she could hold herself up against the counter, his arm still around her.

"I'm OK, I'll be OK." He looked at her dubiously, left his metal arm on the small of her back and turned back to Maria.

"That's sixteen hours Maria, where the fuck is he?" He seemed livid. 'What happened."

"the last we heard of Captain Rogers he had landed in North Korea and was working toward the Hydra base." She looked up to Cecilia, unsure.

"I can go lie down, I know I am not secured for this kind of information." She smiled sadly and made her way out of the kitchen, making sure to keep herself steady on the wall. James motioned to Maria and Sam that he would be right back and followed suite.

He caught up to her in her bed room, sitting on her bed, he closed the door.

"You OK Baby. Anything I can do?" She shook her head, no. "Want me to help you lie down, maybe take a shower" A shower sounded good right about now.

"I'm OK, just go back in there and listen to what she has to say. I'll be here." She shooed him off with her hands.

"I'll be right there in the kitchen. He closed the gap between them. Kissed her, and with a quick "I love you." Left the room closing the door behind him. He hadn't even notice he'd said it until he walked back in the kitchen. He shook his head, he could deal with that later, right now he needed to hear Maria out and figure out the next step in finding Steve.

Cecilia sat on her bed, dazed. Had he just said that to her, those three little words. They had sounded so natural, so perfect, so what she needed to hear at that precise moment. But after only knowing him for a few days, was it really realistic to believe it, it had probably just slipped out, he would regret saying it and she would feel bad about it. Better to just not mention it EVER. She shakily got up and headed to her en suite bathroom, she needed to relax. And why was she thinking about James and what he had said instead of worrying about Steve.

Maria and Sam were doing the dishes when James came back, he seemed disturbed. He helped them clean the counter top, before sitting himself and saying what was on his mind.

"So when do I leave? I take it there's a plane waiting to take me to North Korea." He grabbed his discarded beer and finished it, before grabbing another one from the fridge and twisting it open, flipping the cap in the sink.

"I'm coming with you. No way I'm letting a metal armed pretty boy go save Steve without me." James stared him down.

"You really think I'm pretty." It was meant to break the tension, and it worked, all three smiled and chuckled. They needed to unwind before planning what was going to happen. Jumping into a rescue mission, already stressed out, was not a good idea in the best of times. But now, I was just insane to think they could go in there and rescue a man that was supposed to be untouchable.

"Wheels lift in three, we have a team ready for you Sergeant, briefing will be on the plane." James shook his head.

"No, I don't need a team, I have Falcon. It'll be enough." Maria nodded.

"Fine, I'll meet you boys on the airfield at 22:00." Both men nodded, solemn. Maria got up and left.

And just like that, he was back on the roster.

He pulled his hand though his hair, frustrated. Now that that had been taken care of, he needed to go in that room and deal with his girl. Shit, He knew she wouldn't like him leaving. Hell she almost passed out just thinking about loosing Steve, how would she feel if he went MIA. He just couldn't think about that right now.

"Sam, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that tonight is a wash. How about you head home, get ready while I deal with my stuff here and we meet up at the airfield. Sam nodded.

"Sure thing Boss. I'll see you then. Take care of your woman, I don't think she will be to open to this change of plans."

"Yeah" James added. "She was really looking forward to going out tonight." Both men knew that's not what he meant, but again, they needed to take this ligtly, for now. Until they reached their destination anyways.

Sam left and James was left with dealing with Cecilia. She would understand, he knew that, but she shouldn't have to.

He walked into her room without knocking, he truly believed they were passed that. He needed to feel her heat, her arms around him, he felt so overwhelmed. He knew one day he would become the Winter Soldier again, but he didn't know it would be this soon. He wasn't ready. He heard the shower running, Got undressed and walked into the bathroom. He could smell her shampoo, it was a rich scent, sweet, lovely just like her.

Without a word he saw the door to the shower open, she made space for him in the closed up area. The water was hot, steaming. He moved the spray so it would hit him as well, then pulled her to him and held her tight.

"How long do we have?" her voice was weak, she had cried, he could hear it. "I have two hours before I need to leave." He kissed her head. "The plane leaves at 10pm. I have to be on it. The Winter Soldier rides again I guess." He felt defeated. Cecilia held him.

"Not the Winter Soldier, James, Sergeant Barnes." She looked up at him with her large green eyes. "You are not defined by what you were. You are so much more then him." She let him kiss her. It was a desperate kiss, full of fear and pain and so much doubt. He pulled her up, her legs hooking up behind his back, desperately, he pinned her against the shower wall, holding her there with his weight. He tried to make her feel exactly what he wanted her to know. that she meant so much to him, even if she had only been part of his world for a short time. He wanted her to realize how special she was, how much he needed her. How much she meant to him.

"I'll come back to you, I swear." She felt him, hard against her, her fingers digging hard into his neck. Sh felt him change his angle, gently slipping inside her, she was so ready. It felt so good to have him so close, so deep. She held on to him as he took his time. He went slowly, making her mewl. Making her grunt and moan, whisper his name. He whispered so many things to her he lost track. Telling her how beautiful she was, her face flushed, her eyes heavy lidded, her lips bruised and well kissed. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, and he told her so, over and over. He told her how much he needed her, how much he wanted her, all the time. That when he was away from her all he though about was her. That he never wanted to spend another night away from her bed. That he belonged with her, and she belonged with him. He told her everything his heart held.

He saw the tears, knew she truly believed she was unworthy, but he didn't care, she would need to get over that. She would need to accept and embrace it. He was here, in her live, to stay he would not accept any other outcome. They reached their pleasure at the same time, Panting and moaning each others names. Gently he let her slip from his grip, kept his arms around here just long enough to kiss her one more time as if his life depended on it. He pulled away just enough to look into her eyes. And he said it again. "I love you." Before pulling her against him one last time and waiting for her tears to end.


	11. Chapter 11

James took care of her for what little time he had left. He picked her up and brought her to her closet, making sure she was dry and warm he pushed her into getting dressed. Cecilia seemed so lost, defeated, it was so much worst then sadness, she seemed to have gotten the idea that if Steve, Captain America himself could not come home from this mission on his own, then no one would be able to make the trek back. It annoyed James to no end. He was NOT Steve Rogers, he had other strengths, more experience dealing with modern warfare. He had so much more to live for, and he was desperate. And a desperate man can conquer anything.

"I'll come back to you Cecilia, I swear, I will be back in a few days." She looked at him, her eyes still brimming with tears.  
"Steve didn't..." "I AM NOT STEVE." He almost yelled as he interrupted her. "I am not him. I will find him, I will bring him back and I will come back to you. I promise Cecilia. I can do things that Captain Rogers can't even on the best of days." He wanted to try and make her smile, but it wasn't working. She just looked at him with her sad green puppy eyes.

"I know you are not him. I just.. He has been here for me for what seems like forever. And I... I can't see myself without him in my life." James knew he had no right to be jealous, what she and Steve had was only platonic, that they hadn't managed to move beyond that, that though Steve loved her more then anything, maybe even anyone, he wasn't In Love with her. And SHE wasn't In Love with Steve. He could see how she looked at him, James could feel it every time she drew close. Could taste it in her kisses. Drowned in it when they made love. It was euphoric.

"I Will Be Back." She pulled on a top and a pair of jeans, not bothering with underwear, which he found more then a little sexy. Pulled on her sox and shoes and she was ready to drive him to the airfield. She didn't really want to go, he could see that, but she was going to do it anyways, because she needed to, because she had to see him off, because it might be the last time she ever saw him.

He disappeared into his room for less then a minute, coming out with his large duffel bag. He sat on her bed, next to her, took out a knife from his boot and proceeded to expertly fit it into a tight crevasse in his left forearm, pushing it a bit deeper she heard a light click and a small compartment opened. putting the knife back in his boot, he dug into the compartment and pulled out a pair of dog tags. He looked at them before closing the trap with another click.

"I want you to have these. They are my tags from when I was first drafted." He turned to her and pulled it over her head. Letting them drop between her breasts. They looked good there. "I want you to have them." She looked at him, she seemed to only be able to do that right now, look at him, trying to burn everything to memory. His eyes were on her as well, so full of emotions.

"I love you. I know it's fast and we only met three days ago. I don't expect you to say it back, not yet. Not now. But I want you to know how I feel. I need you to know because for the next few days the only thing I will be able to think about is you." He leaned in and kissed her one more time. Hoping to feel her lips ravage his as he was ravaging hers. Slowly he felt her come out of her daze, the kiss turning into something more, something burning between them. Something that meant so much more then just goodbye. He pulled away, hearing her moan in dismay and smiled.

She let him get ready, even though all Cecilia really wanted to do was hang onto his arm and beg him to stay. It was quick, He made sure his bag was packed, that he wasn't leaving anything behind, except a distressed girl friend, then headed to the kitchen and took his time looking around for any sort of alcohol.

"I want you to get sober while I'm gone." He moved to the living room, found a few there in the bar cart and brought them to the kitchen where he opened them all one by one and poured them in the drain. Cecilia did nothing to stop him. She understood what he wanted from her. She would do her best and try. "This is how I start helping you. It won't be easy, you'll probably feel some withdrawal symptoms, but it'll be worth it." He finished his task, grabbed a garbage bag in the drawer and put all the empty empty bottles in before walking out to the hallway and throwing them the garbage chute.

"OK. I'm done, we should go. I'll drive." He grabbed the keys and led the way to the underground parking lot, stuffed his bag in on the rear seat and they were off. "You really need to buy American." She looked at him, not quite understanding. "This is Asian, how could you." He smiled, trying to light up the mood. "AND it's an automatic, what is it with people and not learning to shift." He took her hand in his, squeezing it.

They reached the air field, which is to say a long stretch of tarmac in the middle of an actual field. about 20 minutes out of the city. He parked the car a short walk away from the parked cargo plane. Maria was already waiting there with six other people, he could see Sam coming out of the plane. James and Cecilia got out of the car, he grabbed his bag and took her hand in his. they walked liked that to the group of people.

"Nice to see you again Sergeant." He knew the man, he had piloted the plane that had gotten him to DC just three days ago. He nodded in greeting. "Wheels up as soon as you are all settled." The man nodded at Maria then left with a younger looking man to get the plane ready fro take off.

"So, ready to get back out there?" Sam inquired. "I know I am, just itching really. Need the action."

"Could have gone without." James commented. "But you know, a man's gotta do..." He sneered a bit. Obviously not really wanting to go on this, or any other, mission. "Cecilia Baby, would you just giving me a minute." He let go of her hand, put his hand on Maria's arm and guided her away. Cecilia stood there, waiting.

"We will bring him back mam." She looked at the man speaking to her, young tall, wel built, they were all built like brick shit-houses. "We wont let them get their hands on him again." She shivered, that hadn't even been a fear of hers, until now. Her brain went on over drive and she imagined the worst, James captured, brain washed again. She had no details of how he had been before, but she had caught a glimpse of him on the bridge less then a year ago, and he had seemed formidable. She didn't want that to happen to him, or anyone, ever again. The young man must have seen her face change, for less then a second later he was apologizing and babbling about mission fail safes and not leaving a man behind and other things she wasn't listening to anymore. James was walking back towards her, a soft smile on his lips, pulling her to him, the others made themselves scares as the two lovers enjoyed their last moment together before he had to leave.

"Come back to me, and bring Steve back. I don't care what you have to do, who you have to kill, just come back to me." She was serious, his return was worth any and all sacrifices. To her. He bent down and kissed her. A hard bruising kiss. Held her against him so tightly he feared he would break her. Before letting her go and walking away.


	12. Chapter 12

The plane rolled on the tarmac, the cargo door slowly closing, he stood there, looking at her, she seemed so alone, leaning on the hood of her car, watching him leave. Maria walked over to her, he saw her put an arm around Cecilia, comforting her. The door shut and he moved away, he knew she would be looked after, he had made sure of that.

The plane was off in the horizon, she had seen him looking at her for as long as the cargo bay was opened. Now, standing there a stranger's arm around her, she felt quite alone in the world. She wanted a drink.

"How about we get you home. It's getting late, and I need to get to New York to monitor the mission." Cecilia moved away from the woman, a sad smile on her face.

"Thank you for staying with me. I do need to get home and get some sleep. I have a few long days ahead." She walked to the drivers side door before Maria stopped her, a hand on her arm.

"Sergeant Barnes asked me to make sure you were safe" She waved a man over. "This is Agent Watts, he will be keeping an eye on you. Consider him your body guard for the next few days. Until the boys come home." Cecilia eyed Watts, of course, tall, well built, handsome, short dark hair, deep blue eyes. But not he blue eyes she wanted to be looking at. She nodded to Maria, thanking her silently, threw the keys at Agent Watts and got herself comfortable in the passenger seat.

He kept silent, a soft smile on his lips, he seemed friendly, but respectful. He had seen her at the airfield, he knew how she felt, She looked out her window, trying not to cry. She was very worried about Steve. Was he even still alive. What would she do if he didn't come home. She really didn't want to think about that.

He parked in the underground parking garage, walked to her side of the car to open her car door, helped her out of the car, a perfect gentleman. The trip on the elevator was silent, just as the car trip had been. Walking into her home she felt it all hit her, she was tired and thirsty, but not for water. She needed a drink. James had gone around the kitchen and living room, but she kept a bottle in her bedroom. Heading there now, as Agent Watts was on the phone asking someone to bring him a go bag, she walked into her room, found her stash, two bottles actually, and brought them with her to the kitchen. She sat at the breakfast bar, the two bottles in front of her, just staring at them.

Agent Watts was there, looking at her. A look of concern etched on his face.

"I can't let you drink that mam. I'll have to confiscate those." She looked up at him.

" I am not drinking, just looking, is that OK." He seemed even more concerned now.

"Not sure that's healthy. How about I get rid of those and we can talk. I've been where you are. Maybe I can help." She pushed the bottles towards him, Taking a cue he took them, opened them and poured them down the drain. "Got any more?" She moved her head towards the bathroom, he left to look, found another bottle under the sink and did the same."Anything else?" She shook her head. No.

"If I'm going to get sober, then I am going to have to get back to smoking." She chuckled, Watts opened his jacket, pulled an almost full pack out of his inside pocket, a lighter and laid them on the counter.

"Got an ashtray." She pointed over the fridge. He grabbed it, took a seat across from her and lit two cigarettes, handed her one and took a deep drag of his own. "How long has it been?" She knew what he was asking, no need for clarification. He wanted to know how long she had been drinking.

"Since I was twelve." His eyebrows shot up. His eyes became searching. She knew what he was looking for. That look in her eyes that showed him what she had gone through to push her to that solution. That pain, that bit of nothing that usually got into someone and never let go. But she had been good at hiding it, for all those years. Now, she was sick of playing. She wasn't OK. She wasn't fine. She wanted to drink, wanted to loose herself in the bottle and this man, in front of her would not let her. He was fast changing from a body guard to a jailer. "twenty years in the bottle Watts, if that's what you wanted to know."

The look in his eyes changed, it got softer, pitty, no, understanding. He had pinned her he knew. He understood.

"I'm sorry Mam. No one should ever go through something like that." She shrugged.

"It is what it is." She took another deep drag. "Call me Cecilia." His lips lifted in a semblance of a smile.

"Alright Cecilia, call me Tom." They shook hands. He took off his jacket, getting comfortable. "So I'll be here for a while, I'll take the couch. Just to be sure I can hear or see if anyone tried to come in. Once a day for five hours I'll be relieved by another Agent, but I am your primary body guard. I'll be taking care of you and what ever else you need until I am told to stand down." She nodded. And yawned. Tom smiled, "Why don't you go lie down. It's late." She nodded again and left. Deciding to sleep in Steve's room, she would feel closer to both men, and she hoped the sheets still smelled of James.

This wasn't what he was used to. The missions he had done for Hydra, for the Russians, they were less stressful, maybe it was the brainwashing. But he could not remember taking so much time to simply organize his thoughts. He was given a mission, told what to do, where to go, how it should go ahead and then he did it. This, being on a cargo plane, not much lighting, fighting to give his opinion, studying maps and satellite renderings, it was like the old times, The Howling Commando, Steve. All of that, it was coming back, like a wave. He was also remembering other things, things he didn't want to think to much about. He knew this was a gamble, a chance to go back to his old way, his "Soldier" ways, but he truly believed he could handle that, or more accurately, he wanted everyone around him to believe he could.

It was so hard, everyday, waking up scared straight, thinking he had been caught, thinking he was back THERE, then taking the time to realize he wasn't he was in his bed, he was safe.

But he never really felt safe. Never let his guard down, never felt BETTER. Except sometimes, when he took a hot shower, that burning on his skin, made him remember he was alive, reminded him that he had gone a long way from where he had been just one year ago. And that made him feel a bit better about himself. Just a bit. Then there was the mirror a constant reminder of who he had been for so many years, those empty eyes looking back at him, he hated himself. But he tried. He wanted to be himself again, Bucky. Wanted to be bale to sleep and not see the faces, not hear the cries, not feel so detached.

Most days he wasn't even close to being OK, but therapy, reading, watching movies, internet, they helped. But on some days, he was gone, back to his "Soldier" days, and it took a lot of talking himself down. He would take one searing hot shower after another, hit the punching bag, scream at his reflection in the mirror... eventually, he would feel hallway human. But it always took a lot out of him.

He was so scared all the time. So unsure. Specially the past few days, with Cecilia. He had been scared shit-less he would let it slip, let the "Soldier" out. He could hurt her, he could kill her and not think twice, and that, well it terrified him. But his therapist had said it was healthy to be scared, that he could have a healthy normal life as long as he accepted his darker side, realized it was a part of him, not just a split personality he could put aside and forget about.

And he had, accepted it that is. He knew the "Soldier" was a deeply ingrained part of him, the part that appraised something before jumping in and doing what ever it was that was required, the part that put panic aside and took control. The part that made him calm down, relax and think before he acted. He had to give credit where credit was due. The "Soldier" made him a better man. But he didn't have to like it.

The satellite map in front of them showed a lot more forest then he might have hoped, this would not be an easy mission. He grabbed his gear, looking throug it, checking the guns, the knives, his armor. He was going back into the field, not something he would have expected so soon, or ever.

They had been working around the maps since they had left DC, over 5 hours now. He needed a break. Grabbing his phone he dialed Steve's home number, hoping she would be home.

It rang, once, twice, three times, before he heard someone pick up, a bang and then her voice, clear, and very sleepy.

"James?!" Her voice was hoarse. She had been crying.

"Yeah, its me baby. It's James." She heard her move about. Sniffle.

"Is everything OK? You guys alright?" He smiled.

"Yeah sweetheart, were all fine, still on the plane. Just wanted to hear your voice. I am sorry I woke you."

"Nonsense, It's OK, I don't mind. I wasn't sleeping so well. Tossing and turning. Steve's bed is not as comfortable as mine is." Why was she in Steve's bed.

"Baby, why are you in Steve's bed?" He was a bit confused.

"It still smells like you" And there was the admission, he could hear the blush in her voice.

"That is the sweetest thing I have ever heard." He was grinning ear to ear. "I miss you already." He hesitated. "I.. I am scared I might not be ready for this, out in the field." He worried his lower lip. "What if... What if I don't come back, what if I become HIM again." He was sacred. No matter what his therapist said. He would always be scared of that.

He heard her move again. No sound of surprise, no reaction on the other line.

"Hello?"

"No James, I am here. I was just thinking how good it is to hear you say that." That surprised him. A lot. "Admitting it, it means that you realise that there is a danger, it means you know you have to be careful. That's good, I would be very afraid for you if you jumped into this without fear." He let out a breath he hadn't realize he was holding.

"You have to know he is a part of you, right, The Winter Soldier, He is just a part of you, and you can use that, you can tap into that, you can use his knowledge and his talents and make them your own." He heard her walk around. She was up now. ready to help. "You will be fine James. Just let him out to play. He will be able to help you. I trust him. I trust you."

"How can you say that, you don't know all the things he did, I did. I could never come back from this." He heard a light giggle. "You think this is funny?"

"No, of course not. I just think you are adorable. And yes, I trust you. All of you. I saw him in that alley, I saw him beat a man inches from his life. Then turn around to make sure I was alright. I saw you there, and him. James, he is not a divisible part of yourself, he is you and you need to accept that before it tears you apart." He heard her sigh. "Look at me, I am a therapist, and a raging alcoholic. Does that mean I am two people? No, of course it doesn't it just means I have to work harder to get one under control. Same with you. Now go out there and kill some bad guys." He heard her smile. She was right, he could handle this, he just needed to, as she had put it, let his other self out to play.

"You are quite the therapist Doctor Gaillard. Maybe on my return you could share some more of that wisdom you seem to keep for special occasion." He loved teasing her.

"How about you take me on a date instead. I'd rather have you as my boyfriend then my patient." He chuckled. "So, change of subject lover boy, How much longer till you get where you need to be?" He thought about it, looked at the local time on the clock in the cargo bay.

"About another ten hours. Making a stop somewhere in Africa, for refueling. Should be on the ground two days, maybe three. Back stateside by Sunday, latest." It was so much more time away then he had hoped, but crossing half the world and rescuing a friend could not be rushed.

"Stay safe, keep in touch when you can. Don't make stupid decisions. And remember, let him out to play. Trust me." He heard the grogginess coming back in her voice, reluctantly he decided it was time to hang up.

"Go back to sleep baby, I'll be back before you know it. And stay safe as well. I love you." He imagined her rolling her eyes and smiled.

"Take care James, I miss you, it's empty here without you. Come back to me. Please."

"I will."

"I love you to"

He heard the click at the other end of the line, the call was disconnected. Already he wanted to call back just to hear her voice again. Deciding against it, he slipped his phone in his duffel bag. leaned against it and tried to get some sleep. Had she just said she loved him. He turned that over in his brain a bit before falling asleep.


	13. Chapter 13

"So, as you can see here, the relationship between feeling an emotion and the person's past memories of a similar emotion brought on by a different cosality..." He phone buzzed. Again. "Excuse me please, but I need to take this."

Cecilia excused herself, grabbing her phone on the desk in front of her and swiping to answer as she steppe out of the conference room.

"Hello? James?" There was static and background noises, before she heard him speak, He seemed less tired then she was, he must have slept on the plane.

"Yeah baby,it's me. I just wanted to let you know, we just got into Korean airspace. I won't be able te call you till this is over and done with." She understood.

"It's OK James, I get it. Just take care of yourself. Please." She sounded desperate, even to her own ears.

"I will, I swear. I love you. I gotta go baby. I am about to jump out of the plane." She heard him talk to someone else in the background.

"Way making your scared girlfriend feel better." He chuckled.

"I got to go." she nodded at the phone fighting the tears.

The phone went dead. He was jumping out a plane. And she was here, at work giving a lecture on understanding emotions. She wanted to scream. Wanted to get on a plane and go and find him. No, scratch that, she wanted a drink, needed a drink, her throat was on fire, her hands shook, Cecilia couldn't concentrate. Maybe Tom had been right, maybe she couldn't do it on her own. He had talked about AA meetings, they had helped him, and many others. But Cecilia truly believed she did not need a group, or anyone to help her. She ran into the bathroom, passing right by her body guard. Tom had been relieved a few hours ago. In the bathroom, she looked at herself in the mirror. Looking at herself, a tired face, tired eyes, black circles under her eyes. red, brimming with tears. In a fit of rage her fist slammed into the mirror.

It seemed slow, but it all happened in a split second. Splits in the glass, shards lifting off the wall, and in a loud crash the whole room length mirror crashed to the floor in a million pieces. He fist was embedded in the wall behind where the mirror had been, blood dripping, fuck.

The bathroom door slammed opened, the Tom Substitute barging in, looking around, making sure the stalls were empty before coming to Cecilia to see if she was OK. She stood there, leaning on the bathroom counter, her bloody hand under the running water. Red blotches on her face where she had wiped her tears with her hurt hand.

"I'm fine, I'm fine" She inhaled, deep, unsure breaths. The bathroom door slammed open again as Tom strode in, Cecilia didn't need to look at him, the whistling in amazement was enough to let her know who it was. "Tom. Find me a meeting." He nodded to no one in particular, took his phone out, left the bathroom. He didn't need anymore information then that. He understood.

The cargo door opened slowly, underneath was dark and ominous, he could hear the sound of the engines and the wind coming into the cargo bay. He breathed in, fear gripped him in a tight hold. Bucky walked down the door, facing the unseen deep dark waters underneath him, they were about 150 feet iver the waves, Sam had his wings and flew off pas him, Bucky watched him go, carrying close to 200 pounds of weapons with him. He would wait for him on the beach. Bucky looked down again, breathed in a deep breath, and stepped off the cargo door.

He felt the wind all around him, and while he fell, he felt calm, serene, relaxed, He had a mission. Find the target, acquire the target, return the target. Simple. He hit the water and his lungs burned. The water ice cold. Taking a few seconds to find hia way inder water, her breached the surface and took a breath. He swam to shore, found Sam and the weapons, got organized, and both men left the beach to find their target. The Soldier and the Falcon.

The soldier had not felt this free in a very long time. He was doing what he had been trained for, no place for over thinking or fear or insecurities. Both men followed the plan. It took a few days before they located where the target was being held, it had been surprisingly easy. Four turrets surrounding a few building in the middle of the Asian jungle. He could count eight men. His night vision goggles showed heat signatures for nine people, the extra man would be Captain Rogers.

It was her seventh meeting in the past four days. And sadly, she had failed, more then once, during those two days. Her bottles at work were now empty and she had to admit, they had done nothing to help curb her craving. Her hand throbbed, even now with ibuprofen in her system. She hadn't slept in days, her hands shook and she couldn't hold a conversation if her life depended on it. She was irritable, tired, nauseous. Nothing worked to manage her flaming migraine. She wanted to scream, cry, sleep... but what she wanted more then anything was a drink. Not just one, though that would have been heavenly right now, but many, fuck it, a whole bottle. Vodka, Scotch, Whiskey, anything at this point, even rubbing alcohol. Why the hell not.

Cecilia had always known she had a drinking problem, she was a mental health professional for fucks sake. But she was functional, she was used to it, she had never needed or even thought she needed to get sober, and now here she was, at an AA meeting, getting herself in hand. Why? Because some guy had asked her to, because he wanted to save her. SHE DID NOT NEED TO BE SAVED! All she needed was a drink. Instead, here she was, drinking a horrible excuse for a coffee, listening to Tom talking about his urges to drink, even now, after more then 10 years sober. Cecilia was so afraid of that, the nagging need, the urge to drink, would it never stop. Would this follow her for the rest of her life. She hoped not, if it did she had no prayer of ever kicking the habit.

She needed a smoke, silently, she got up and walked outside, lit up, took a drag. Held it. Let it out. She felt ... everything she had wanted to keep buried. Hate, hurt, pain, fear. It was all there. She hated it. She shakily took another drag. She kept to herself, not really talking, just listening, she wasn't ready to share. Wasn't ready to get up there and talk about it. She knew what it was supposed to do, it worked, group therapy, sharing, comparing stories. But she wasn't sure it would work for her. She chuckled. She was full of shit. That was another reason she drank. So she could forget how full of shit she was, every time she was sober.  
Sober, she hated that word. She had been drinking for so long, sober was not even an item on the menu anymore. She had never hid it either, everyone knew she drank, maybe she drank more then they believed, but that was not her fault. She wasn't responsible for what other people thought of her.

After the scene at work four days ago, Cecelia had decided to take some vacation days. She hated to have to do that, but Gavin, her partner at the organization, had deemed it necessary. She was in mental health distress and she needed to step out, take care of herself and come back once she was better. No arguments, no if's and's or but's. Against her will she took the days off. Left her laptop at work, as well as her documents. She needed to concentrate on herself. She knew that would have been what she would have told a patient in her state. Get out, get sober, get healthy, get better. then get back to work. In that order. Usually. But she wasn't a patient, she was a professional in the field. She didn't need anyone telling her what to do. Or maybe she did, her life was shit, no social life to speak of, except going out drinking, no love life, only a handful of friends, if that many. No hobbies, just work, and drinking. and Fucking anything she could get her hands on, to help with the pain. To remind her where she came from, to put her back in her place. To make herself realize, she was worthless, she was damaged, she was fucked up beyond all hope. Maybe she could take someone home, pass the time, maybe Tom, he was more then adequate in the looks department.

James. She had promised to try. And doing this, now, while he was gone, could she. No, she couldn't and she wouldn't. She would go home, lock herself up in her bedroom and not sleep, just like the past few nights. She needed him, she missed him, she didn't think she could do this without him, and Tom, was simply not an acceptable substitute. She loved James. She did, which is why at this point, half way sober, she hated him for making her promise to try. She would go home, she would come back here tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that, and she would make it out.

Because she was a pig headed woman who would rather die then give up.

They were on the way back, Steve had been flown out to a nearby base, he needed some medical attention. Bucky wasn't sure what they had done to him, but he hadn't looked good when he and Sam had found him. Unconscious, beaten to a pulp, barely breathing. They had found him in a makeshift laboratory/torture chamber, there were flasks and syringes and bottles and so many other things, The Soldier had decided to grab everything, stash it in his bag and hand it over to the medics once they got there to pick up Steve. He hoped they could help him, it would suck to lose his friend so soon after having found him after so long.

The mission had not gone as planned. It was a trap, of course. They had expected it. They had been ambushed. Falcon had managed to get airborne, giving him intel from the sky, The soldier had managed just fine. He had been shot at, three bullets going though his armor, two to his right shoulder, and one in his left thigh. It stung, hurt a bit. He had been trough worst, he would survive.

Bucky had managed the mission fine, once he had hit the water, everything was so much simpler, clearer. He could see where he had gone wrong, trying to set himself aside from The Soldier, he had done what Cecilia had asked, let his monster out to play, and he had played, it had been exhilarating, not having to think, just act. He couldn't remember feeling that free and his head being so clear, EVER. He had liked it he had felt powerful, at the top of his game. Still he felt more centered, more Zen, more self assured. He knew he was not the same man he had been just six days ago when he had left DC. He was more. More confident, more relaxed, more passionate, he could feel it, he was more himself then he had been since WWII. Whatever he had been afraid of, he had been panicking for nothing. This was how he hoped he would feel forever. He simply couldn't wait until he saw Cecilia again, just so he could tell her how right she had been. How letting the monster out to play had been the right choice. So he could hold her again, see her face, her beautiful green eyes, hear her voice. Feel her skin, kiss her. He grinned to himself. He had given her a challenge before leaving, wanting her to try getting sober, he wasn't expecting much. Not because he didn't believe she would try, no, because he knew how hard it was to get over a crutch. He had never had an addiction, unless he counted pretty girls, but that before. Before he left home. So damned long ago.


	14. Chapter 14

Her head felt clearer the it had in days, she sat up in her bed, looking at the clock, something had woken her up, she heard a ring, her phone, she reached to the bedside table and grabbed it, swiped right and answered.

"Hello?" She heard a chuckle on the other end of the line, then a shaky breath intake.  
"You sound good this morning Baby. Did you sleep well?" That chocolate smooth voice. Cecilia blushed,even through the phone he could get her to react to his every word.  
"I guess I did, WOW, Guess I needed that." She heard him moving around, some loud noises in the background. "Good to hear. I'll be back stateside in a few hours. They are making me land in New York, I need to get debriefed. I am not sure when I'll see you next, but it won't be to long. I'll let you know." He was coming home, he was on his way to New York, He was safe.  
" Did it go as planned?" She heard him chuckle.  
"Sweetheart, it never goes as planned. But yeah, were all OK. Steve is OK, they wanted to check him out before sending him home." She let out a stressed out breath. "Good. Sam is OK to, I guess." "Yeah Sam is fine, that's cause he bypasses the actual fight and flies around like a damned bird." He had said that louder, probably hoping the person in question would hear his comment. She heard a reply in the background, then some more chuckling.

"I have a few more minutes. So, How are you?" She was shaking now, but not from alcohol withdrawal, she was shaking because she was about to open up, something she never did.

"I've been better, I have the shakes, and except for last night, I haven't slept since you left, I can't eat, can't talk straight, I get confused, I am so fucked up James." She pulled a cigarette to her lips and lit it, taking a deep drag. " I started smoking again, I hate that." She took another drag. "But I am sober, four days. Five today. I'll make it."

He was impressed, five days sober. It was a good start, great start. He was so proud of her.

"I am so proud of you baby. You are doing good." She heard a noise on the other hand. "Besides, I smoke to, sometimes, can't be perfect." He chuckled, she heard him take a drag, let it out. "I missed you Baby. I thought of you all the time. I can't wait to see you again." And hold you and kiss you and... he was loosing his train of thought. "We should land in five hours. I'll call you then." He took another deep drag of his cigarette. "I love you Cecilia." Her name, not baby, or sweetheart. Her name, so damned sexy coming to her in his voice.

"I love you to James." The line went dead, Cecilia's hands had stopped shaking, for now, ans she felt ready to face the day. She had slept more then ten hours, and felt rested, a first this week. She got up, pulled on a pair of sweat pants and some top that was just laying around, and headed out to the kitchen, she was hungry. Tom was there, on the phone, she waved good morning to him and went to prepare herself a bagel, with cream cheese and a strong coffee. She smiled to herself, thinking back on the earlier phone call. This was a feeling she had never had for anyone before. It had to be love, this need, this want, this emptiness that stayed in her chest since he had left, that she knew would feel full again once he was with her.

Like a drug.

That made her stop. Was she trading in one addiction for another. Was she simply switching, from alcohol to James. How healthy was this. How could she truly know how she felt about him if she was in the middle of sobering up, how could she be sure she wasn't just projecting. It worried her now, running around in her head, she was a a name in her field, people trusted her, counted on her, she had written books and studies. If a patient came to her, in the middle of sobering up, thinking about starting a relationship, what would she say. Cecilia needed to be sure she wasn't just transferring her need for booze, with her need for James.

Her mind was made up, she would sign into a rehab clinic, she would spend the next few months making sure she was better, before jumping into this, before giving another man hopes and dashing them. She would not do to him what she had done to Steve. She knew she loved James, but she couldn't wouldn't be with him yet. She made the many phone calls needed, packed her bags, finished her coffee.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Tom was there, of course, making sure her choice was the right one. She nodded her head. "What should I tell him, when I see him?" She thought about it, enjoying her cigarette.

"Tell him I am getting better, that I need to think about me, be sure I am OK before I can be with him. If he will still want me." Tom chuckled, as if he was privy to some unsaid joke.

"Of course he will, I saw how he looked at you, the way he talked to you. You have nothing to fear, He will be there when you are ready. If he won't, I just might be." With that, he picked up her bag, followed her to the door, locked it behind him and he drove her to the airport, she was flying in two hours, to a rehab clinic in Texas. She would be far from everyone and everything she knew, a perfect place to start over.

They had landed close to three hours ago, and still he was stuck in this closed off room, no windows, fluorescent lights, waiting to be debriefed. He felt like a captive, not a man that had just gotten shot while rescuing their hero. There were two guards at the door, and though he was allowed to leave the room, there was never anywhere to go but to walk back and forth in a closed off hallway, with no windows and fluorescent lights. He had asked them to contact Maria Hill, asked them to relay a message, one he wasn't sure they had done. He wanted to get debriefed and get out of here, so he could go find his girl. He sat in a corner, and waited. The door opened and one of the guards brought him a meal. It wasn't much, but it would do.

"Sergeant Barnes, I passed on your message, someone should be with you shortly." He left the platter, and walked out the door, leaving it open. He was not a captive or a prisoner, he was just waiting. He sat at the table and started eating, with appetite. Half a chicken, two potatoes and a small salad. Wich he washed down with a bottle of lemon soda. Hit the spot. He waited some more until Maria walked in, alone, and sat across from him.

"I received you message, I must apologize, I was stuck in one of those long annoying meetings." Bucky sat up a bit straighter.

"Did you reach her, is she coming to see me?" He was like a boy waiting for Christmas. He saw Maria shift uncomfortably. Her face was serious, her demeanor was hard to read. She seemed sad, disappointed. "What is it?" Maria straightened and looked him in the eyes, her cold brown into his steel blue.

"I reached my agent, Watts. He just put her on a plane." He looked at her, waiting to finish. "She is headed to Texas, Miss Gaillard decided to check herself into a rehab clinic. She seems to think she needs to get better before coming to see you." Bucky let it sink in. She had left, she had ran. Again. After telling him she missed him, she loved him, she had turned tail and ran. He couldn't wrap his mind around that. And what the hell was a rehab clinic.

"What's that, a rehab clinic? Why would she go there? Why would she rather go there then be with me!" He sat up so fast the chair behind him flew and hit the wall. His fists resting on the table.

"It's a place people go to when they need help, professional help, to get away from addiction, or mental health issues." He seemed hurt.

"I would have helped her." He felt Maria's hand on his fist.

"She needs professional help, she will get it there, they have doctors and therapists. She will be well taken care of."

"Can I go see her?" He felt so desperate.

"unfortunately, it's a closed clinic. No calls, no visits. I checked, though, you can write to her. They will make sure she gets your letters. I have sent a few agents there to make sure she stays safe. She will be fine, she will be better." Bucky was starting to understand, He had asked her to try to get sober, and she was doing just that. The fact that it took her away from him, well he would have to get over that.

"How long?" He figured this wasn't done in just a few days, maybe a few weeks.

"Two hundred days, But then she will be sober, and ready to see you again."

Fuck!, six and a half months. They had met less then two weeks ago, had slept together twice, had only a few days together before he had needed to leave. And now he had to wait over six months to see her again. Was it even worth it. Could he wait six months? The truer questions was, was she worth waiting for? The answer was yes, of course yes, ten thousand times, yes. He had wanted her to get better, wanted her to see herself as he saw her, waiting, even six months, would maybe make her understand just how much she meant to him.

He nodded his head at Maria, he understood, he didn't like it, but he understood.

The next few hours were filled with Bucky retelling the story in details of what had happened on the mission. She made him give her details he didn't believe were important, skip over some parts just to get back to them later on. It was tedious. Byt he time it was over she walked him out of the room, the hallway, up a few flights of stairs and into an elevator, which, a few minutes later opened up onto a large open air room, with a few hallways leading away from it. He could see a large window farther along one of the hallways, he was high above New York. He followed Maria down a corridor and up to a door, she handed him a card.

"These are your quarters. This is your key card. You things have been transferred from San-Diego. I hope you find everything acceptable. The fridge is stocked, the pantry as well. Welcome to Stark Towers."

She left him then, walking into his new apartment, liking the modern feel, enjoying the view from the window. Indeed, he was very high above New York. He would stay here, for as long as they needed him to. Then, in six and a half months, he would travel to Texas and bring her back here. He walked around the place, quite large, a bedroom, a kitchen, a large dinning room/living room area, and a small office. there was a half bath and a full en suite bathroom as well. He would like staying here. It suited him just fine.

He walked to the desk, looked on it, a small post it note with an address on it. He could write to Cecilia, he would, just after a long shower


	15. Chapter 15

Day after day, week after week, he sent letters and care packages, food, candy, flowers, jewelry, pictures, just THINGS, to get her to realize that he would be there, for her, when she was done with her therapy. He loved her, even now, far away, though he hadn't seen her in weeks, his heart still ached and his body still craved for her. There had been a few offers, women wanting to get to know him better, but a shy smile and the excuse that he was already spoken for, usually worked, if not, he just walked away. Was he ever tempted, sure, would he ever act on it, fuck no.

He had just finished writing a letter to Cecilia, sending it with a small package, a token of his love, a pair of earrings, he had seen them and thought of her. They were pretty little stars, rubies and diamonds, no less, on a pink gold settings. Cecilia was classy, he knew she would appreciate them, knew she would understand. He loved spending money on her, but hated not being there when she opened his packages. He had seen men correspond with their wives and fiancees and girl friends for years back in the day. He could, would manage six and a half months.

He was now on mission rotations, just like Steve and Clint and Natalia. He went out often enough, it kept him busy, hunting left over Hydra agents, training new SHIELD agents, and working to help rebuild what had once been his most important target. It was weird, surreal. But he managed, one day at a time. He had therapy once a week, continuing what he had been doing in San Diego. And he had meetings and training sessions to go to.

Here he wasn't Bucky, or even Sergeant, He was Agent Barnes, a new title he wore with pride. He liked what he was doing, it kept his mind and body busy, made him feel useful, not just sitting in an empty apartment, watching movies and browsing the internet. Here he was changing the world. And he liked it. He felt more himself, more in control, he could let both sides of himself loose. Exactly what he needed. He wrote that in his letters, let his love know just how well he was doing, how he had changed for the better. How he longed to show her the man he had become, thanks to her advice. He was still struggling, mind you, just not feeling as guilty over it as he used to.

He had started playing sports to, just a friendly game of football, on Sundays, with Steve and a few other agents he didn't really know. That was fun. He had never played football before, and he had to admit, he liked it. The only dark cloud in his life at this moment was missing his girlfriend. Could he even call her that, they hadn't spoken in months. But she did answer him, every letter, every single one got an answer, even if just to send a line or two. She talked about how she felt, how her life was more in control, how she missed so many things, foods, people, movies. He had sent her a few movies and books, knowing she would enjoy them just as much as he had. This was hard, but not as hard as he had originally envisioned.

Weeks turned to months, and he was called into Maria's office, they were preparing a mission, after finding a large enough Hydra base, SHIELD had decided to send their men in, it was going to be a big team, Barnes, Rogers, and more then a dozen others. The base was manned and well protected. This would be a fight, just like he and Steve had known in the forties. And he wasn't keen on leaving. He said his departing greetings to Maria and some others at the meeting, and turned to leave. Before being halted by Miss Hill.

"Agent Barnes. If I could have a moment." He nodded and she led him to her office.

"What can I do for you Mam?" She sat down and took her heels off, a sigh of relief escaping her perfectly painted red lips.

"There's a plane waiting for you at our air field, ready to take you to Texas, I managed to get Miss Gaillard a leave for a day or so. She won't be expecting you, but I am sure she will be happy to see you." WOW, he had not expected that, it had been a little over four months since he had last seen her. Suddenly, he was excited.

"Thank you Mam." He left in a rush, not bothering to change, just grabbing a few things in his go back and rushing to the airfield. He was going to see his girlfriend. He simply couldn't wait.

Of course he was nervous, would she want to see him, would she be as excited to see him as he was to see her. The last package he had sent her had been a beautiful diamond and ruby bracelet, he was hoping she had already received it, he would love to see it on her. Though he would have preferred to send her a ring, he had found the perfect one for her, Steve had advised against it. She would feel rushed, it might scare her off, and so he had relented, and gotten her the bracelet instead. It went with the earrings. He was sure she would love it.

The flight was wither too long to not sleep, or to short to try to, and so James decided to worry and over think instead. He imagined the worst case scenario, then imagined it even worst, for four hours, he went on and on like that, until finally they landed. He jumped in the car waiting for him, making sure he had all the information he needed. then left the airfield. Making his way first to his hotel room, and then off to find Cecilia.

Upon his arrival, he had been asked to go wait at the back of the building, he was met with two of the agents put there for Cecilia's safety, seemed being The Winter Soldier's girlfriend was not protection enough. Then they left him there to wait. The few minutes he was left alone felt like hours, until he heard the glass door slide, saw her walk towards the picnic table, and sat on the tabletop while her feet were firmly plated on the seats. He was behind a corner, had a perfect view of her, yet he knew she could not see him form where she sat. She lit a cigarette and waited. Finally he decided to step out of the shadows, taking a few deep breaths, making up his mind, he pushed himself off the wall.

"Still smoking I see."


	16. Chapter 16

"Celia, I have a package here for you, again." Lucy walked up to her open door and threw the package to her. She grabbed it in mid air, grabbed the scissors on her desk and cut the tape around the cardboard box. She tore at the box, finally pulling out a few pages of neatly folded paper, and a smaller box. It was on the longer side, blue and white. She noticed the bow on it, mush have gotten flattened in transit. She cut the cord, opening the small box and her breath held. A beautiful charm bracelet, with stones and charms and so pretty she could hardly believe it was meant for her. But it was. And she knew who had sent it. And she loved him for it. Every week he would send her a package, food or a book, or candy,or jewelry, sometimes pictures. But this time, he had outdone himself. The many red crystals stars were precious, they looked like ruby's deep red with a beautiful tint of pink. The bracelet itself was pink gold. there were what looked like diamonds embedded on the chain itself. It must have cost him a fortune. Of course, she put it on immediately.

She sat on her bed, covered in her old quilt, which he had sent to her, reading his letter. She received two of those a week, at the least. And of course, she answered each of them, sometime with just a small note, others with pages of things to tell him. But she always answered. This time, she would not have time to answer, she was almost done with her inpatient rehab. Another 12 days and she would be out. She wasn't sure how she felt about it, here she was safe, she had her stuff, her support, her therapy, her friends. She was afraid of how it would be in the outside world. the fear almost making her want to stay. Almost. She put her hand to her throat, her fingers holding onto his tags. The only thing she had that was truly his.

How would it be when she was with him, they had had a few days, only. Less then a week. How will it be now, with her sober, better, herself again after so many years of being someone, something else. Would he still want her now? Would she still feel the same? She breathed in, grabbed herself a cigarette and lit it. Taking a deep drag, she unfolded the paper and began to read. James had a beautiful handwriting, probably from having to use it often as a young man, instead of using a computer. She mostly loved the way he wrote her name, big curly letters, it just looked romantic. Yes that was it. This whole writing letters was romantic. At least to her, to him, she was sure, it was frustrating.

His letters were always sweet and gentle, just like him, the words he used, not something she had ever been used to, reminded her of those old diaries people found in there attics, when they renovated, something from long ago. She finished her cigarette and curled up tighter under her quilt, reading the freshly arrived letter.

This one talked about time passing by, about how he was feeling wrestles, how he wished she was there, how he hoped she was fine, that she was better, that she had healed whatever she needed to heal , exorcized what ever demons she needed to exorcize. He was more serious in this letter then all the others prior. He seemed, worried about her, worried about them. How would they fare, as a couple, not just lovers or friends, but a true couple. How would she manage, out there after being kept sober in a closed house. Would she be able to manage. Would she be strong enough, would he be strong enough for her. Did she still want to TRY, with him, for something more.

She put the letter down, after folding it back. It would join the others, in a shoe box she had embellished. She looked a the pictures on her wall next to her bed, Steve and James, mostly, some of the view from Jame's apartment at the tower. He loved that view. It made her smile. He had sent a picture of his new sound system, and game console, and computers, he was such a geek. A damned sexy geek. He had even let Steve take a picture of just him, with his gleeming arm. Just for her. His eyes as blue as the sky, a beautiful grin on his face and a mischievous look in his eyes. It made her blush.

"There's a visitor for you, outside, Lucy wanted me to tell you." She turned her head up, to look at the young woman at the door. She nodded, grabbed her cigarettes and left for the picnic area outside the back door, usualy where she met with Tom when he came to see her, to bring her more letters and packages, or cigarettes. She was not allowed visitors, but with SHIELD agents around, there could be some leeway. She got to the picnic table and saw no one, so she sat and waited. Her feet on the seat and her ass on the table. Legs wide, elbows leaned against her knees, lighting up another smoke.

"Still smoking I see. That is a nasty habit." She looked up. she knew that voice, smooth like chocolate. A bit of an amused tone. She could imagine the grin, even though she couldn't see him yet. He pushed his shoulder off the wall, stepping away from the corner where he had been hiding. Waiting to see her. He was happy to see she had gained some weight, her cheeks were fuller, so were her thighs and hips, he definitely approved. Her hair was longer, down to the small of her back, it was hiding her face now, he hadn't seen her eyes, but he assumed they were just as green, if not brighter then they had been almost five months ago. He saw her look at him, as he stepped away from the corner, her eyes going wide, her fingers letting go of the cigarette.

She jumped off the table, stood there, staring at him. Her mind not quite understanding what she was seeing. She had just been reading his letter, and now, here he was. Standing there, in all his glory. He was in his Soldier uniform, armor, what ever he called it. His left arm gleaming in the sun, the red star beautiful in contrast. Just like the bracelet she was wearing. Her lip trembled, her eyes watered, her hands shook, she wasn't sure what to say, what to do. He wasn't moving, not coming towards her, not moving an inch. Was he disappointed? Did he not like what he was seeing. Was she not worthy, not what he wanted anymore.

He saw the panic in her eyes, saw the tears, saw her lip tremble, he didn't move, wanted to see how she would react, he had not expected this, but he was dealing with it. He saw her move, barely, her body stopping the movement, she wanted to come to him but didn't know if he would welcome her. With a decided step, he walked to her and embraced her, wrapping his arms around her. Holding her so tight he was afraid he would break her. He felt her give in, let go, melt in his arms and he reveled in it. He held her until he felt her stop her shaking. Then, slowly, he moved back, just enough to lok at her. He was right, her beautiful green eyes were much brighter, so round, so big.

"I had to see you. I am leaving, on a mission, for a few weeks, I just had to say goodbye, in case." She shushed him whit her finger on his lips. She didn't want to hear anymore. She didn't want to know where he was going or for how long, she wanted him to stay here, with her. "It's OK. Maria managed to get us a day together. I hope that's OK." He seemed unsure. Of course it was OK, it was more then OK, it was perfect, it was amazing. She smiled, it felt like it was her first real smile in years. To him, it was blinding. So beautiful. He was confused when it disappeared, but only until he felt her lips on his, coaxing him into joining his tongue with hers. He was more the happy to comply. He loved kissing her, and it had been so long. He pulled her closer, holding her his metal arm on the small of her back, his other in her hair, enjoying the feel of it, silky smooth under his fingertips.

She stepped back, looking at him again, as if she couldn't get enough. He was gorgeous. Blue eyes, dark hair, cut a bit shorter then it had been when she had last seen him.

"I am so sorry I left like that. I am..." He cut her off with another searing kiss. It was OK, it was fine, she was better now, it had been worth it. She did not need to apologize, she had done what he had asked, gotten sober, gotten better. That had been the challenge he had issued to her, and she had done as he had asked. She had done good. All he had needed to do was wait, but Cecilia, she had worked hard, on herself, on her views of herself. He knew it had not been easy fro her. He also knew that she still had a lot of work to do on herself. But soon, he would be there to help her.

"I know baby, I know, it's OK." They had broken the kiss, slowly, loving each others lips, needing more. "I would wait thousands of years if it meant being with you. Never apologize for making me wait." He kissed her forehead. "Come on, let's get out of here, we have until tomorrow morning, and I expect to use our time doing more then just standing here and talking." She agreed. She asked him to wait for her at the front entrance, going back into her room to get a change of clothes. She stopped by the main office on her way out, to sign the out patient sheet. She hadn't gone out since she had first been admitted. This was nerve-wracking. She signed her name and the time she stepped out. Making sure with the front desk that she was allowed out for the night. Once it was confirmed, she grabbed her small bag ans headed out, barely hesitating as she stepped over the threshold.

She met him in the parking lot, he was leaning on a car, a black car, of course. Smiling, at her, making her blush, of course. She walked to him and he pulled her to him, hands on her hips, traveling closer to her ass, enjoying the feel of her while he bent down to kiss her neck. He felt her shiver and smiled, nipping gently, before filling his hands, pushing her to him and moving his lips from her neck to her lips, making sure to let her know exactly how much he had missed her. She groaned and he moaned, before opening the passenger door for her and helping her in, then running to the driver's side and starting the car. It was American, it was a stick shift, he was sure to point that out to her, just to tease. He saw her giggle, saw the blush in her cheeks, saw the spark in her eyes. By this time tomorrow, she would be his girl, no doubt about it.

He brought her to his hotel room, suite actually, he had planed it all out, they would watch a movie, cuddle, order in. Sleep till noon then he would bring her back and leave for his next mission. He was thankful Maria had been able to get him this visit, and he wasn't about to waste it. He had thought about here every minute of everyday. He dreamt about her, needed her, wanted her, all the damned time. He was like a fucking teenager, working himself to release twice, three times a day, always thinking of her. Tonight they would talk, they would figure this out. He wasn't ready, or willing, to leave her without having at least tried to make things right between them. To be sure he had something to come back to at the end of this mission.

She walked around the suite, it was huge, a living room, a large bedroom, a huge bathroom, everything was scaled bigger. The bed, the couch the TV, the tub. It was all so perfect. Something she would have seen in a dream, when she dreamt, of him , and her, in a room like this, with a bed like that, and tehy would be lying there, tired and spent, after hours of love making. It was a dream she had often, being with him, again. She had missed him so much. It had been so hard without him, thinking of him all the time. The only reason she kept thinking maybe they still had a chance was the number of letters and packages he had continued to send to her, week after week.

"I want to think you, for the letters, and the gifts. This one especially." She said showing off her new bracelet. Smiling brightly. "It's so perfect." He grinned from ear to ear, he loved seeing that he had made her happy, even if it was with just a trinket. He walked to her, her back to his front, his hands on her hips, kissed her neck, softly.

"I wanted to get you a ring, but Steve talked me down, said it was to early, not to rush you, instead I had that made, just for you."

"It must have cost you a fortune." She said softly, processing what he had just told her.

"It was worth every cent, just to see you wearing it today. Though I would have rather seen you wear my ring." He kissed her again, nipping her neck, making her moan his name. He needed to stop before he went to far, he had not planned to get her to bed, not like that, maybe just cuddling. He had wanted to start over, this was escalating quickly, and if he didn't get his control back, they would be in bed fucking before it was time to order diner. He backed off, hearing her disappointed moan. "I know baby. Trust me, I want you so badly. I just, I just don't want to rush you, I want to do this right. I want you to know what you mean to me, BEFORE I, we." He moved away and rubbed his face with his hands in frustration.

She reached for his arm, shyly. Pulled him to face her.

"I would have gladly worn your ring. Just as I proudly wear your tags. But Steve is right, it would have a been a bit to much a bit to fast, and I need to figure things out one step at a time. And the first step I want to take, is the one that will take me to that large sofa over there, so we can talk about the things that matter, then, later, I am hoping to take another step to that large bed over there, so I can let you do what ever it is you have wanted to do for the past four months." He smiled, blushing lightly. Cecilia led him by the arm to the sofa, where she made herself comfortable, cuddling up to him, her head on his chest, his metal arm around her shoulder, they stayed like that a long while before finally deciding to talk.

"You have another mission." She moved to look at him.

"Yeah, they found a large Hydra base, we need to get into, so we are heading in. I am not sure how long it's going to take but it needs to be done." He looked at her beautiful green eye, so full of worry. "I'll be back, it's nothing we can't handle, but it will take time, and by the time you get home, I probably won't be back yet." He nuzzled her hair, still smelling as sweet as ever. "I know I promised to be there for you, when you left, but I won't be able to make it." He closed his eyes, enjoying her smell, the feel of her hair. Hating himself for breaking this promise to her.

"Will you come back to me?" He looked at her, shocked by the question.

"Of course, why in the world wouldn't I?" He held her face in his hands. "I love you Cecilia. I could never not come back to you. I would go against everything I am." He kissed her forehead. Hoping to have put her doubts to rest. Her big green eyes were looking straight into his soul. He could feel her melting agaisnt him, he so loved that feeling. He let her go, getting comfortable again, her head on his chest, he was sure she could hear his heartbeat.

"I am glad Maria got us this time together. I really needed to see you." He felt the same. He put his hand on hers, on his chest. He could see the bracelet sparkling. "I missed you so much, thinking about you all the time, you are THE sole reason why I managed to stay there for four months. Knowing that when I got home, I would be with you. She looked up to him. Her beautiful eyes going straight to his heart.

"Is this it, are we a couple now, doing couply things?" He asked with a chuckle.

"I guess we are. So, I am your girl now? right?" He nodded, kissing her head, nuzzling.

"You have always been my girl. You always will be." He held her a bit closer. "We just need to figure some stuff out. That's all."

They talked all afternoon, taking some time off to have a coffee and order some food, then they talked some more. About his missions and how he felt being drafted to work for SHIELD, about how he worked out his friendship with Steve, and Sam, about his hobbies, his electronics, his new gaming system. And she talked about her sobriety, her therapy, her working through her issues. How she had talked to her mother, after years of silence, how she had shared what had happened with her step-brother. She told him everything, her thoughts her feelings, her fears.

She had been afraid of his reaction to it all. But instead of backing off, he had encouraged her, he had held her and cuddled her, told her how good she was doing, how much he cared and loved her and how much she truly meant to him. By the time they stopped talking it was late evening. She got up and stretched, her joints popping into place. A broad smile on her face. She felt truly happy to have finally talked it out with James. He got up as well, embracing her in his strong arms.

"Why don't you go take a nice hot shower, I'll order some tea and cookies, and then we can cuddle up, watch a movie, and get some sleep. Cecilia agreed, grabbing her bag and heading for the large bathroom. Starting the shower she heard him call in the order for room service.

She undressed and stepped into the large shower, loving the strong pressure, something she had not had in since leaving DC. She stepped under the spray and relished in the hot spray before hearing the glass door shut and suddenly be pulled back against a large, hard muscled chest. She yelped in surprised, but said nothing as his arms encircled her waist and James started peppering kissed on her neck and shoulders. In fact, she melted into him, let him do what ever he wanted to do to her. She was here to enjoy, appreciate and revel in his attentions, and she would be doing exactly that.


	17. Chapter 17

The water was sinful on his skin, making him hyper aware. He could see his girlfriend's skin turning red under the spray, it looked good on her, just like his hands did, holding her to him, his thumbs making small patterns on her abdomen, his lips making their way on her neck and shoulders. He had missed her so much, missed her smell, her touch, her skin, the noises she made when he touched her, kissed her, made love to her. With his hands, his mouth, he was making himself crazy thinking about it. He hadn't come into the shower to pressure her, he wasn't sure why he had joined her, he was making himself mad, out there thinking about her naked in here, and he had needed to be there.

He let his hands move to her hips, feeling her pushing herself into him. He grunted. This was not going as planned, in fact, the plan had been simple, order tea, wait for Cecilia, watch a movie, sleep. Not, order tea, ask them to wait forty five minutes, get naked, sneak into the shower and paw at your girlfriend. But he was there now, and he wasn't about to turn around and walk away, now, unless she asked him to. Her arms snaked up and around his neck, locking him there, his lips continuing their ministrations. She wasn't about to ask him to leave that was obvious.

"If you want me to stop, I will." He whispered in her ear, while nibbling on the lobe. He heard her moan his name, this was getting dangerous. "Tell me what you want, tell me you want this. Please." He was desperate. He would not follow his instincts any further. He was insecure yet so fucking needy. She moaned his name again, pushing herself into him.

"Please, James." She turned in his arm, facing him, his fore head leaning on hers, his eyes searching. His hands on her rump. "I know you think I need time, and you are trying to hold back, really bad at it, by the way." She said teasing. "But I want this, you." She kissed his chest. " Please." He loved her so much. nuzzling her neck, his hands moved to her back, rubbing her lower back, caressing her skin. "I want to be yours James, Make me yours." He looked at her again, before leaning towards her and kissing her, hungry, passionately.

"You are mine, you always have been." He leaned against her again. Breathing hard, taking himself under control. "Turn around I'll wash your hair." He heard her grunt in dissatisfaction. "Please, I want us to take our time. I know I suck, I am so impatient, I want you so much." He nipped her neck. "I just I want it to be special, I want us to be special, to be... perfect." He almost purred. Cecilia looked at him, he could see she didn't agree, but she would humor him. Turning around she put her back to him, feeling his hands move into her hair, the smell of the shampoo reached her and she shivered as she felt him massage ger scalp. It felt amazing. He moved his fingers expertly on in her hair, it was sinful. She groaned. Felling so desperate for any attention he could give her. Her body was on fire, her breath shallow, she wanted him so badly. Yet she would curb her need, she would wait, she would let him lead. As long as she knew that from now she was his girl, and he was her man.

His hands moved lower, from her head to her shoulders. He grabbed the shower gel, and expertly washed every inch of her, giving her a soothing massage, rubbing down her shoulder and back, he was enjoying this; He knew Cecilia was frothing at the bit, making moans ans squeaks, he loved the effect he had on her.

"Relax Baby, just let me work." He moved his hands to her front, pushing her against him, his hands rubbing on her stomach, her ribs, her breasts. Taking his time. He kissed her neck, again, he never got enough. His hands slowly moved lower. He was going to make sure she was well relaxed by the time they left the shower. His fingers continued moving south, he heard her squeak, then moan, and finally cal his name as his fingers moved on her. One hand, his metal one, inserting a digit slowly and teasingly into her core, as the other one worked on her tiny little bundle of nerves. Her breath was shallow, coming in pants, her moans desperate. He continued his ministrations her arms snaked around his neck again, pulling herself up, he could feel her shiver, shake. "Hold on to me baby, that's OK. Just relax." She moaned. He moved another finger in her, and he felt her lose it. She shook and moaned, and he felt her getting heavier on his neck. He smiled, continued playing with her a bit longer, hearing her moan in contentment. His duty was done, and he felt great about it. He felt her twist in his arm, the water was growing colder. Her smile was breathtaking, her eyes were half lidded, her skin flushed, she was beautiful. "You are so beautiful." He kissed her, softly. "I love you Cecilia." He turned the shower off, pulled her into his arms, picked her up and carried her to bed, grabbing towels on the way out of the bathroom.

They spend the rest of the evening cuddling, watching a movie and having camomile tea and sugar cookies. It was nice and relaxing, and when Cecilia fell asleep, her head on his chest, his metal arm snug around her, James turned off the TV, the bedside table light, and got comfortable, cradling his woman in his arms, smelling her hair and falling asleep the happiest he had ever been.


	18. Chapter 18

No more letters, no more packages, Cecilia only had two weeks left in her rehab stint, but it felt like it would be forever. She was bored, she was lonely, she was sad, and she was worried. She got out of the shower, dressed, put on her bracelet which she hid under long sleeves, and left for her group therapy. She was counting the hours till she could head home, even at the beginning, over six months ago, she hadn't been this restless. She sat at her designated chair, lighting up a cigarette,waiting, she was ten minutes early.

"Hey, Cecilia, Mariah wants to see you, in her office." The face disappeared as fast as it had appeared, leaving Cecilia to wonder what could prompt the clinic director to need to see her. She got up, put out her cigarette and left for the main office.

Walking into the main hallway, she knew something was wrong, there were three men she remembered from DC, tall, wide and in uniform, side arms at the ready, this could not be good. She walked passed them, waving a shy hello, not getting an answer, she walked on and knocked at Mariah Alvarez's door, then walked in. Tom was there, and Maria Hill. Shit. She took a deep breath and walked in. Holding her precious dog tags in one hand, while waving with the other, a sad, fearful smile on her lips. Ms Alvarez left the office, closing the door behind her.

"Is he dead?" She heard herself ask in a shaky voice. Maria turned to her, Tom took her hand, wanting to support her.

"Agent Barnes is considered Missing in action." The voice was flat, no emotions. She couldn't breathe, couldn't open her mouth to tak in air, couldn't think of breathing. No air, no oxygen, no breathing. James. Missing. James. Gone. No breath. No air. She needed to breathe. It came out as a gasp, her lips letting air through, her lungs burning.

"Breathe Cecilia, Breathe." She heard Tom directly in her ear, coaxing her to breathe. She did, slowly, letting air in, letting it out, once, twice, three times. And again. Her lungs were working fine, it was her brain that was sick, her heart that was broken. She wanted to die. She felt like something in her chest had stopped working, like there was something missing, suddenly. That she would never again be able to be how, or who she was. To say that Cecilia was devastated was an understatement.

It all went downhill from there, Cecilia rushed out of the office, passed the armed guards and ran off , out the front door, and on to the street. She kept running, until her legs were jelly and her lungs were burning, she ran and ran some more, then, slowing down, she checked her wallet, found her credit card, walked into a bar, sat down and ordered a bottle, of anything. And a glass.

She stared at the clear liquid in her glass, Vodka, the good kind. She had a light cigarette in one hand and her glass in the other, leaning against the bar, tears coming down her face. Cecilia wasn't sure she would drink it, wasn't sure if she wasn't going to drink it. Wasn't sure of anything. She saw her bracelet and turned her focus to it. Beautiful red stars and diamonds, his color,his star. She cried some more. The door opened and four men walked in, she could see them from their reflection in the bar mirror. A man sat at each side of her, with the two other standing behind her. The one to her right took the drink from her, smelling it, then drinking it in one swallow. He snorted. put the glass down, filled it again and passed it back to her.

"Drink, girl. You will need it." She looked at him, took in the very heavy Russian accent, got up, leaving the glass on the bar.

"You can take me to him?" She heard the man grunt, saw him swallow the content of the glass. Then got up, signaled to his men to follow and, putting his arm around her shoulders, walked Cecilia out of the bar and into a large black SUV.

She had gone willingly, had not argued or contested, had followed orders and done as she was told. They had taken care of her, made sure she was well fed and slept and warm. She had been brought to a private jet, before they had deemed it important to explain to her what was going on. The Russians had James, they had wiped him, they had debriefed him, they had given him his new orders. They couldn't put him back in cryo, and so they would be using him, as much as possible. He had been given a house, a position inside the government, but something was missing.

James, refused to sleep, to eat. He seemed different, empty. They had found him women, willing and not so willing, men even, but nothing seemed to work, so, desperate, the Russian government had decided to hunt down the missing piece, and bring it back to him. They called him Yakov, they talked to her about the house, how grand it was, how she would be treated like a princess, how their government, mother Russia, appreciated her sacrifice. How she would be taken care of by their government, just for helping.

The fact that she had gone with them willingly, had been a surprise to them, though they would not complain. She had been pleasant, polite, charming even, but so sad. Crying the whole time, even in her sleep. She was nothing like they had been briefed, no fire, no soul. Michael felt bad for her, on the other hand, he had seen where she would live, she would be taken car of, be with her man, or at least, what ever was left of him.

The Winter Soldier was a legend in the field, a master assassin, lent out to hydra, but now back where he belonged. He did not need to be confined, or tortured, when taken care of correctly by his handlers, he was as docile as a kitten. And so they would let him work for them willingly. Once wiped, They had given him a new mission, work for Mother Russia, do as he was told, take over the department of intelligence, and do what it took to bring Russia back to its glory.

Yakov was tired, he couldn't sleep, every time he closed his eye he would see her, this woman, her face, her green eyes, it was haunting. Everywhere he looked something reminded him of her. But since he didn't remember her... sometimes he hated having been wiped, others, he liked the focus that it gave him, no distractions. only the work at hand. He got out of bed, grabbed his pants, pulled them on, before grabbing a robe, throwing it at his bed mate, and growling at him to get the hell out. Women were nice, but with men he could get his aggression out. The young man grabbed the robe and left, quickly.

He rubbed his hands on his face, grabbing at his hair, frustrated. He couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't look anywhere without seeing HER. And worst of all, he had no clue who she was. He growled, walked out on the balcony, pants low on his hips. He saw a Mercedes coming down the long driveway. Michael's car. He looked as the car parked. He saw Michael get out from the driver's side, then walk to the passenger side and opened the door for someone, a woman. He saw her step out, walk up the front steps; her hair was brown, long, it looked silky soft. She was shorter then his body man, quite a bit shorter, actually. He saw her looking around, turning on herself, then looking up, he saw her face, and stopped breathing.

He moved quickly, getting undressed, again, taking a shower, then dressing again in clean clothes, by the time he was out of the bathroom his bed had been made and the dirty clothes were gone. He looked around, making sure everything was in place, the way he liked it, then left, heading for his office. He would at least look busy for his new guest. He reached hi office, took out his laptop, grabbed his papers, and started looking into a possible leak in another branch of government. It was incredibly badly done, the trails were obvious, whoever had stolen info had not though of covering their tracks. Yakov chuckled, this would be easy. He called his secretary, he had a secretary, and asked her to make an appointment for Monday morning. It was Saturday today, and though he should go into the office, he truly didn't feel like it. There was a knock at his office door and he looked up, Michael walking in.

"Sir, I have brought a guest, she is presently resting." He seemed pleased. "She came willingly, I believe there is no reason to sedate her of put her in a cell." He nodded. "I put her up in the blue room." Yakov nodded again, motioning to Michael to follow him.

"How is she?" They walked down to the first floor, entering the kitchen, he pulled open the fridge door and peered in side, taking out the left over ham and some bread he proceeded to making them both a sandwich.

"She is tired, but fine." He grabbed the mayo and the mustard.

"So, is she the one you mentioned, the woman I was with, before." He talked about his past life, nonchalantly, as if it meant nothing to him anymore. "Did I love her?" He asked seaming a little more interested.

"So it seems. At least, she loved you very much. Like a Russian Novel, Passionate. She is a nice girl." Yakov chuckled.

"You are such a romantic. She is just a woman, chances are nothing will change, I will still not sleep, not eat, and continue feeling like shit." He finished the sandwiches, took a bite, then put it down. "This doesn't taste... right." He grabbed the plate, dumped it's content in the trash bin, then dropped the dish in the sink and walked back to his office. He had things to do. Talking about a girl was just something he had time for.


	19. Chapter 19

He had introduced it as the Blue room, and she had to admit, the name described it accurately. The walls were cornflower blue, with delicate golden designs, the floors were large squares of hardwood, of different hues of dark, four large floor to ceiling windows covered with lavish curtains, white with heavy golden embroidery. There was a delicately carved desk in one corner, with a beautiful Queen Ann chair, upholstered in shades of turquoise. The dresser and armoire were of dark wood, hand carved, of course, with the same light patterns in golden paint. The bed, was, simply magnificent, huge, four posts, as thick as a tree trunk, spirals craved on the sides, with vines of gold climbed to the canopy, covered in deep blue with beige embroidery to match the bed spread, a dozen pillows on beige and chocolate brown laid against the head board, and a matching fur in deep brown, maybe a bear, laid at the foot of the bed. It was exquisite. A true Princess bedroom.

Cecilia looked around. Stunned, opened the larger of the four windows, and stepped out on the balcony. The view was breathtaking. The beautiful three story home, of yellow walls and white corner stones, faced a lake, nestled between mountains, with forest for as far as she could see. Admittedly, Cecilia had not been paying attention on her way here, or she would have been mesmerized by the view. There were two balconies on this side of the house, one on the front side, where she had arrived. Where she had looked around, wondering where she was, where she had seen him, if only just briefly.

He had been watching her, his hair a bit longer, his face hollow, his eyes empty. She had only seen him for a second, maybe two, but already she knew he was not the James she had hoped to find. Cecilia let the window open, walking to the desk, she noticed a laptop, she sat and turned it on, there was no password, Michael had told her she was not a prisoner, she was free, she had not believed him then, she didn't believe him now. Logging onto her email account, she heard the tell tale sound of Skype, she opened the window and found herself face to face with Steve.

"Where are you! Did you run away?" He seemed a cross between seething mad and deathly worried. Cecilia took a deep breath. She wasn't sure what to tell him.

"Hi Steve. I am in Russia." She saw his face change, the anger towards her disappearing, becoming something else. "I am OK. It's pretty here." He seemed confused.

"Steve listen to me. James is here."

"What!?"

"James is here. They came to find me, to take me to him. He isn't doing as well as they'd hoped." She let that sink in for a moment. "I need you to not try and find us. Not yet." His face turned pale.

"Cecilia, what are you saying?" For a smart man, sometimes he could be a bit slow.

"I am saying, I need you to tell your people to NOT come after us. Please. I can help him here. I know I can." She saw him hesitate.

"Are you OK. Did they hurt you? Are they making you say this?" She shook her head, picked up the laptop and turned it around so Steve could see where she was. She heard him take a shaky breath.

"Alright, but I want you to contact me, emails, Skype, what ever. I want you to keep me up to date. Please." She nodded, once again in front of the camera.

"Sure thing." She saw him look over the camera to someone else, then wave goodbye at her, before closing the Skype window. Cecilia turned the computer off, looking around the room, still not quite understanding what the hell was going on in her life. Bone tired, she got up, headed to the no less ostentatious bathroom, and drew herself a bath. If they were going to treat her like a princess, she was going to enjoy every minute of it.

Walking out of the steam filled bathroom, Cecilia made a direct line towards the bed, pulled the heavy comforter and pillows and sheets away and, naked as the day she was born, tucked herself in, nice and cozy, for a few hours rest. The fresh air was nice on her skin, and when she felt a draft Cecilia looked up, noticing the door to her room was opened, she looked around, how could she have missed it. James was in the far corner of the room, leaning against the armoir, looking at her. Arms crossed, a pair of fitted pants, riding low on his hips, a fitted white shirt and a long jacket, he looked like nothing she had imagined.

He spoke to her in Russian, before noticing her confusion, opening the armoire, he grabbed a robe, threw it at her, then turned his back towards her.

"Thank you." She hesitated. "I am Cecilia." She shyly walked toward him, bringing up her hand as if to shake his, instead, his hand, swiftly took hers, brought it to his lips so he could lay a gentle kiss. His blue eyes keeping hers focused, a sideways grin on his lips. She felt her heart flutter before she reminded herself that he wasn't who she wanted him desperately to be. She blushed, of course. Wondering how on earth she ever managed to become a PhD in her field when she was acting like such a fucking teenager.

"Call me James, since I believe that is the name you know me as." He smiled, a charmer, as always. But in his eyes, she could see there was nothing, no mischief, no emotion, no, nothing. Just empty. She smiled at him, blushed a bit, willingly, wanting him to believe he was having an effect on her. Thing is, he was having an effect on her, made her heart beat faster, made her breath shallow, made her thoughts go blank, but she knew, she understood that she was not having that effect on him. Because, he was not James. He was someone else entirely. Working with PTSD, people with mental health issues, even brain washing victim was one thing, but this, this was a man who had been wiped of memories, then explained to him what his new life would be, and had ACCEPTED it. Cecilia wasn't sure is there was anything to do about it.

"I know you did not come here under the best of circumstances, but I hope you will give me the chance to try and make it up to you." He was still holding her hand, moving his fingers between hers, he was trying to illicit an emotional response. Cecilia gently pulled her hand away from his, moving it to his face, softly ghosting her fingers over his cheek, so close, but not touching him, she saw him control himself, to not move closer to her hand, to not move into her touch. When she did let her fingers brush his cheek, he did lean into her hand. Her hand moved into his hair, brushing it back behind his ear.

"I miss him.. the man you were, before. He was my whole world. I changed my life for him, I got sober. I fell so damned hard." Her voice was shaky, she could hear it, she could feel her eyes brimming with tears. "He had gone through so much, so much pain, so much fear." She cupped his cheek in her hand, again he leaned into her touch, moving closer to her, so close. "But you are not him." She felt a tear make it's way down her face. Cecilia moved away, she felt something cold, strong, grip her wrist, turn her back towards him, facing those deep blue orbs, not so empty this time. She saw interest, and sadness, some fear, but still nothing that resembled what she was so desperately hoping to find.

"I am not him, but I he is a part of me, just like I was a part of him." His voice was not as steady as his demeanor seemed to present. "Maybe I can let him out to play sometime." He looked at her, something desperate in his eyes, it was gone as quickly as it appeared, he let her go just as fast. "Will I see you for dinner?" He saw her nod, unsure, before turning and leaving, closing the door behind him.

Cecilia stood there, breathless, reminded of something she had told her James, on his way to his first mission back from Hydra.


	20. Chapter 20

The lake was beautiful, there was a breeze, the sound of the leaves, they were nearing fall, the sun as hot at it must have been just a few weeks ago. Cecilia was preparing herself for her dinner with James. Knowing full well she would be spending the night crying and wake up with the mother of all migraines tomorrow. So here she was, sitting here, on a large rock, looking at the lake. So peaceful. So blue, just like his eyes. And like his eyes, she knew she could drown in this lake, if ever she needed to get away from everything.

Whoa! that thought was terrifying. No way she was turning into one of those sad heroes, who, in a desperate attempts to reconcile themselves with fate, would do a last desperate act, knowing it would get them the attention they always wanted, unfortunately, posthumous was not something she was grasping for here. She breathed in, trying to remember her Yoga instructor In Texas. "Concentrate on your breathing" He kept saying, to no one in particular, Cecilia had been breathing for thirty two years now, she was an experienced breather, she did not need to CONCENTRATE on breathing. She snorted, that was funny.

"What was so funny?" Shit.

She opened her eyes, found herself face to face with James, who, unlike Cecilia in a warm hoodie, was wearing nothing but his pants, riding quite low on his hips and a towel around his neck. She made a point to look at him, his legs, his hips, his tight muscles, chest shoulders, beautiful lips, and those eyes.

"Like what you see?" That stupid infuriating sideways shit eating grin. She blushed. Looked away. Heard something drop, then water moving, the sound moved away. Not far enough, not fast enough. She looked up, both the towel and the pants on the ground, she groaned and got up, picking up and folding the pants next to her on the rock, then his towel.

She looked at him swim away, he was fast, his metal arm gleaming in the low sun, in and out of the water. Those arms that used to hold her close, make her shiver, give her goosebumps, do things to her she would rather not remember. She tried to control her breathing, this was not the time to fall apart. She wasn't even sure yet if she needed to grieve, Cecilia wanted to wait and see, tonight she should have a better idea. untill then, she needed to go with the flow, just wait and see, not jump to conclusions. She controlled her breathing, changed her train of thought, looked at the lake and the mountains and the trees; until she heard him swim back, about twenty minutes later. He had swam to the other side and back, quite impressive.

She saw him roll his shoulders as he excited the lake, the way he walked was still the same, he moved like a cat, a very large, very lethal cat. When his hips breached the water she realized he was nude, but did not turn away, did not blush, instead, she remembered how he had been hers, less then a year ago, and how, maybe he would be again, she enjoyed looking at him, he was perfect. A live action Greek statue. She saw him look at her, saw that same shit eating grin, but when she didn't look away blushing, but kept her eyes on his as he came closer to get his towel, his grin changed to a true smile, and he shook his head.

"I truly don't understand a thing about you Cecilia, You are a mystery to me. I remember your eyes, your voice, your hair, the way you moaned my name, some vignettes of past times together,but that is it." Instead of reaching for his pants, his metal hand reached for her face, cupping it, just like she had done with him earlier. "I want to know you." He let his eyes roam over her."All of you." He was so close she could feel the water on his skin, he leaned in even closer, his eyes darting from hers to her lips, and back again, until he closed the gap, very slowly, giving her ample time to move away if she so desired. But she didn't.

His lips were feather soft on hers, moving gently, opening just enough for him to run his tongue on her lower lip, she moaned and the kiss became fierce. He moved into her, pulled her to him with his metal hand on her nape, he was demanding, passionate, hungry. Desperate. And she let him be, kissing him back just as passionately. Until he abruptly moved away, panting. He seemed confused, unsure, where he had been hard and demanding seconds ago, he was now looking lost and scared. He grabbed his pants and towel and left, walking back to the house naked and brooding, leaving Cecilia just as confused, but understanding that something might have just happened to James, something big enough to throw him for a loop.

Yakov was confused, he was feeling very lost, his brain was telling him one thing, his heart another and his body just seemed to want to rut. It was her fault. For some reason, the wipe had missed something, missed something that made him crave her, made him need her, and now that she was here, he wasn't sure what to do, or how to do it. Fuck! He walked in the house, still naked, threw his clothes across the room, climbed up the stairs to his room and locked himself there. He needed to center himself, needed to focus. He grabbed his phone, called Michael, asked him for the same man as last night, he had a few hours before dinner, he needed to get hits aggression and need out of his system. Less then five minutes later, the young man entered, he was quite a bit younger then Yakov, maybe twenty, and he still wore the proof of the night before's passions. His bite marks all over his shoulders, hickey's all across his chest, Yakov was on fire.

Half an hour later, Disgusted with himself, Yakov was in the shower, he had send then man home, never having touched him, he had simply not been able to "perform". It was the first time. He knew why, he understood, but still hew was frustrated and pissed off, and he knew he had no one to blame, it was one of those things. The heart wanted what the heart wanted, and his brain simply could not block that, no matter what.

He dressed, a pair of wool pants and a nice tight knit top. Combed his hair back, he liked what he saw, as long as he didn't look to close. He had sent Michael to Cecilia's room, with boxes they had retrieved in Texas, the rest of her stuff. And had passed on the message that he hoped she was still planing on meeting him for dinner. Just in case, she was doubting his intentions.

He walked into the kitchen, ready to work, a fresh duck on the counter, from yesterday's hunt. He prepared it, with olive oil and herbs, added some spices, a bit of salt, and put it in the oven. Then, he took on the vegetables, and potatoes, it was going to be a hearty meal, simple yet full of taste. He didn't like pompous when it came to food. Simple was better. And no one disliked duck. So he left everything to cook, knowing it would be about two hours for the duck. And turned to the dessert, sorbet, the only thing he needed to do was scoop it into bowls and TADAH! simple. He prepared the espresso machine, for later, and walked out of the kitchen, aiming for the library, thinking he would relax with a nice glass of vodka.

Crossing the foyer he heard something and looked up, Cecilia was making her way down the curved staircase, one step at a time, by the sound of it she was wearring flats, he smiled, always about the comfort. When she reached the main floor he smiled, she was wearing a long flowing dress, casual yet dressy, her hair was tied in a very loose pony tail in the middle of her shoulders, his eyes caught the gleam of ruby earrings, and a matching bracelet, stars.

His star. His girl. He took her hand and pulled her to him, kissing her on the cheek, letting his lips linger just a tad bit longer then they should.

"You look stunning." She blushed at the compliment, looking away, before his metal fingers guided her face back to his."Never look away, I love it when you blush, It the most beautiful thing I have ever seen." There it was again, something familiar in his eye. She blushed deeper, but kept eye contact, she felt his hand snake around her waist and lead her to the library. He pulled a chair for her, motioning her to sit, walked to the bar and poured himself a generous amount of vodka. "I know you are dry, but can I maybe offer you something else?" Cecilia nodded, James took out some lemon soda, added some grenadine, then some ice and handed it to her. Smiling.

She took the glass, her fingers brushing against his metal ones, she shivered, he noticed, and smiled a tad bit brighter. He was charming.

"I got sober about six months ago, it was something I had to do." He nodded.

"I respect that." She smiled shyly. He leaned against a desk, just far enough to not be able to touch her without stretching his arm. He said something in Russian, though she didn't understand the words, she felt the meaning behind the words and the tone of voice used, low, sexy. She shuddered.

"I don't understand Russian, but it sounds absolutely sinful coming from your lips." Of course she blushed, looking away, again. He chuckled.

"You're beautiful." She blushed harder. A deep crimson. He chuckled, pushed himself off the desk and took a knee in front of her, taking her hand in his, drawing circles on her hand with his thumb. "I know this is hard for you. I stand here in his face, with his voice, his eyes, his hands, his touch." He cupped her face, skimming his lips on hers. "A part of you must hate me, I am so sorry I am not the man you love, I wish I was, I wish I could just flip a switch and be him for you. But I can't.

He is still here, in me. A part of me. I can feel him, sometimes. Like earlier today." He gets up, takes a sit in the chair next to her, still holding her hand. "I can feel how he feels about you. How he is trying to push through to be with you." She held her breath. "So far, he stays put, but eventually, some of him will surface. I'll incorporate it into my everyday life, I'll live with it, include it in who I am now. But for now, I can't be him." Her breath shook, her eyes were threatening to betray her. "I can be me, this, Yakov, a government man, working to do what he must, a killer, a spy. I can be what ever you want me to be, a friend, a foe, a lover, but I cannot be him." She nodded. She understood, it was clear.

Taking a knee in front of her again, his metal hand on hers and his flesh one drying her tears. "You lost the man you loved, a good man, from what you are showing me. A man that truly loved you and cared for you. And I lost my reason for living. Someone to take care of, to cherish, to love." He took her face in both his hands, leaning towards her, his forehead on hers, his eyes staring into hers. "We could be a whole again. It won't be easy, it'll take time. But we could be to each other what the other one needs." She nodded her understanding. Not necessarily her consent.

"I need time. Yakov. I need tome to think and feel and figure this fucked up situation out."

"James." She looked up at him, confused." Here they call me Yakov. But I want you to call me James. It sounds so perfect coming from your lips." Again she nodded.

"James." He smiled, went to fill his glass, then hers, giving her time to dry her tears and take her emotions under control. By the time he turned back toward her, she was giving him a sad smile.


	21. Chapter 21

He handed her her glass, she thanked him. He stood at his desk again, he seemed to favor it. There was a noise behind her, someone yelling in Russian, some screaming. A young man barged into the room, red faced, Michael holding onto his shirt, trying to hold him back. The shirt was ripping and underneath it, Cecilia could see bite marks and some small dark bruises.

She looked at the young man, he looked at her, before screaming at James, gesticulating like a mad man, Michael trying to calm him, and failing. He pointed at her a few times, before spitting in her direction, then grabbing her by the hair and, pulling a knife from his pocket, slicing through her pony tail in one swift move before being pulled off her by James himself, the metal arm grabbing the man by the throat, slamming him back into the wall and back handing him twice. They then spoke, the young man in a agonizingly sweet voice, begging, while James would have none of it, ordered Michael in the same language, then grabbing the young man, Michael disappeared. All she could hear was soft sobbing following them out of the house, until the front door closed behind them.

Her head was reeling. She saw James rush to her, he pulled the elastic out of her hair, assessing the damages, the man had hacked off about nine inches, where a minute ago it touched her but cheek, now it hardly reached the middle of her back. He brushed his fingers in her hair, lightly. Whispering things she couldn't understand.

"I am ok." She smiled. He brushed his fingers in her hair one more time, making sure she was fine. His fingers caressed her neck, her nape, her shoulders, just to be sure. He was so close. She could fell his breath on her neck, she shivered, felt his lips turn into a smile, before softly kissing her neck. Her breath hitched, her heart stopped, he kissed her again, she closed her eyes, his lips heaven on her skin. She felt his tongue as his lips stayed on her neck, he nipped gently, before finally stepping back. Cecilia was holding her breath.

"Breathe, sweetheart, just breathe." His lips moved to hers, the kiss sweet, real. He moved away, letting them both breathe. Then, sat on the chair closest to hers and closed his eyes, decompressing.

"I though he had hurt you." He rubbed his face with his hands. "I don't know what I would have done If he had hurt you." He breathed out. "As it is, I just wanted to beat the shit out of him".

So protective. He had some of the same mannerisms, talked the same, used the same expressions. Suddenly it was hard to tell them apart in her mind. This James and her James.

"I saw him leave your room this afternoon, I take it he is your lover?" He looked at her, defeated.

"He was. Until today. I told him I wouldn't need him anymore." He stared at her, his eyes were boring into hers. "I lost interest." She nodded. She wasn't phased. Maybe a little hurt, but not surprised. Her James had been a very sexual person, it would make sense that this version was as well. "It doesn't shock you?" She shook her head, no.

"Why would it?" He thought about it, stared at her some more. Then it was his turn to nod. Looking away, he picked up his glass and downed it, serving himself another.

"So here goes." He said with purpose. "I have been here for a little over five weeks. I have been quite promiscuous in those few weeks." Her heart sank. She knew it wasn't as if her man had been cheating on her, but still, a part of her hurt. "I thought you should know." He looked at her, a sad gaze touching her to the core. "Had I known all I needed was to have you here to sate me, I would have gone out to get you myself." For some reason, that made her feel a bit better. She gave him a smile to match his gaze. Sad but full of understanding.

"The last time I had sex was with you, over six months ago." Cecilia watched his face change, a smug smile on his face, his eyes sparkling. "Before that..."

"Before that doesn't matter." He cut in.

"Those bite marks and hickeys, should I be expecting the same treatment?" She was being flirty, maybe a bit to much. She knew he would play along, it was part of who he was.

"Maybe. I like to mark what is mine." Cecilia blushed, of course.

"And will you get rid of me as fast as you got rid of..."

"Dino? No, you, you are what has been missing from my life for the past five weeks." He chuckled, "You are the key to me being able to function normally."

"And what if we never get passed this? comfortable, roommates?" He looked at her, thoughtful.

"As long as you are here, I don't think it matters whether we are roommates, as you say, or lovers." He pushed off the desk, pacing in the large room. "I think what ever happens, happens and we shall see." He stared her down with his stunning blue eyes. "But do not get me wrong, Cecilia, I would want nothing more then to take you to bed tonight and show you exactly what you would be missing if we stayed 'Just roommates'" That shit eating grin again, how she loved it, it made Cecilia's insides turn to mush. Her face blush crimson and her eyes sparkle like if it were Christmas.

He winked. She almost swooned. Here she was again, falling for the charms of Bucky Barnes, as if they had gone back in time, a little over six months. She got up as well, to place her empty glass on the bar at the far end of the room.

Cecilia couldn't look away from him, those eyes, beautiful, blue, perfect. She was drowning in them. She tried to look away but couldn't. She blushed, trying not to think about the things he had said earlier. She hadn't had sex in over six months, the last time she had seen James, they had had done everything but make love, he had wanted to wait, to show her how important she was by holding back, now, she regretted not pushing him, not taking matters into her own hands. It was her biggest regret.

"How long before dinner is ready?" She asked innocently. His eyebrow shot up, his eyes sparkling, his lips turning into a grin.

"A little over an hour." She looked at him, still a bit unsure. He put his glass down. Deliberately slowly, he stalked to her, keeping eye contact. "What did you have in mind?" His hands were on her hips, pulling her closer to him, his lips grazing her neck. His breath giving her shivers.

She pulled away, slightly, looking back at him, his eyes asking what his lips wouldn't, darting from her lips to her beautiful green eyes. So full of insecurities. He leaned in slowly, taking his time, He wanted to take his time, enjoy it. His lips touched hers and she pulled him in, her hands in his hair. She moaned and he took advantage, his tongue lightly touching hers, testing the waters, wanting her to respond in kind, He was not going to pressure her. This would be all about her. They kissed some more, before James gently moved her to the couch on the other side of the room, he sat her on his lap, never breaking their kiss. The noises she made just pushing his buttons, but he held back, wanting her to want him, wanting her to lead him to wherever she wanted this to go.

She was so desperate, so needy, so hot. His kisses were getting more passionate, more demanding. She melted into him, Cecilia did have some reservation, but right now, they were taking a backseat to her libido. She straddled him, raising her dress, her hands making their way under his shirt, loving the way he felt under her hands. She felt him shiver, felt him respond, his hands in her hair, on her back, under her skirt. She could feel him, so hard in his pants. Cecilia reached for his pants, surprised when she felt his metal hand close on her wrist.

"Don't." He was panting, she knew she was having an effect on him. She rested her forehead on his chest, breathing in. "If you do this now, I know you will regret it." She looked up at him. Knowing he was right. "Then you'll hate me and you'll hate yourself. And, you are to gorgeous to hate yourself." He grinned. She kissed him again, softly, before getting up and trying to move away from him. But his hand on her waist, pulling her back onto him stopped her. "We can still make out." He kissed his way down her neck, her ear, her collarbone.

He played her like a musical instrument, his fingers moving on her skin, his lips making paths from her lips to her neck and back again, bringing her higher and higher, then withholding what they both truly wanted. Her hands lost themselves in his hair, her lips on his, his neck, his collarbone, they were so drunk on each other, they almost forgot about dinner, almost.


	22. Chapter 22

Good conversation and great company made for a superb evening, Sitting at a the end of a dining table large enough to fit sixteen people, they sat face to face, his hand sometimes reaching out to touch hers, she never pulled away. They talked, sometimes reverting to a comfortable silence. The meal was good, the company was better. James learned that she had an easy smile, and loved to laugh, her sense of humor was quite refreshing, honest to a fault, she was not scared of his judgement, or anyone else's it seemed. She was a strong woman, someone that gave trust and respect until she was proven other wise. And she was fiercely loyal.

She talked to him with an open heart, though she did not go into details about her past, he could tell she wanted to open up more, but he didn't push, besides, he already knew all he needed to, her file was sitting in the second drawer of his desk, less then thirty feet away.

He opened up as well, though his revelations were less about his past and more about his expectations. Work wise, he didn't touch the subject of THEM. He didn't want to talk about it. Let her bring it up if she wanted to, he would sit and listen. He still wasn't sure what was going on, one minute she was cold, the next she was in his lap, he knew it was hard for her. For him though, it was easy. Easier then the past five weeks had been at any rate.

Cecilia sat there, looking at him, looking at her, wondering what was going on in his mind. He was very talkative, seemed to listen as well as he spoke, he seemed to respect her, as a person, and as a professional. She talked about her work in DC, how it had broken her heart to quit her job. She also talked about her relationship with her family, briefly. And mentioned Steve and how they had been roommates. She wanted him to understand where she came from. But she did not talk about HER James, did not mention anything about her relationship with him. She had decided to treat this as a new relationship, obviously it would be completely hypocritical to call it a friendship, considering what they had been doing a few hours ago, so in she jumped, open minded and open hearted.

The fact was, her relationship with HER James had been a long distance one for so long, she needed to make her peace and work with what was here, tangible, he seemed willing to give her time to adjust, he was kind to her, fun to be around, serious but had an easy smile, when it came to her. He was charming and flirtatious, and fiercely protective. And he was willing to be patient with her. True, it was not a conventional relationship, he desperately needed her, for some reason, an attachment she could completely understand. But where he felt attracted to her, she felt the loss of another; and he understood that.

At the end of the night, he stopped by his office before walking her up the beautifully carved staircase.

"Bedtime reading?" She asked innocently. He looked at her, a serious look on his face, a sad expression in his eyes. Shook his head.

"No, this is for you. Things I thought you needed to know." He handed her the thick files. Three in all. "You don't have to read them, but I need you to know that I have. All of them." She looked at him,then back at the heavy bundle, startled, the sticker on the first file read her name, she looked up at him, confused.

"what's this?"

"Your file, My files from Hydra and Moscow. They are not redacted, I trust you with them. They were translated in English, but the originals are still in there." He smiled awkwardly. "Don't judge me to harshly Cecilia." He laid a gentle kiss on her forehead before opening her bedroom door, turning around and walking away. Leaving her confused and very curious.

Cecilia got comfortable, yoga pants and a over sized sweatshirt, then, she pitter pattered back to the kitchen to make herself a cup of tea, before heading back upstairs and, curling up in bed with her glasses on the end of her nose, she began to read.

She spent the night immersed in the thousands of pages of reports,pictures and medical briefs. Read every single line, it took her all night and most of the next morning. But by the time she was done, Cecilia wasn't sure she would ever sleep again. There were no words to describe with enough intensity, the feelings that reading James' files brought her. The things that had been done to him, the medical procedures, the experiments, the operations, horrifying, like something out a horror movie. Her whole body still shook, she was in shock. Closing her eyes, she could still see the pictures. She wanted to throw up. Every mission he had gone on, every detail, every mark, with pictures to confirm the kills. It was all there. Hundreds of pages of people murdered."

She had read her own file as well, her whole life was there, from her early childhood, a broken arm at age 4, to the whole Bryan thing, in details. Medical reports. Police reports, court documents. She was horrified. He had read all of this. She felt disgusting, disgusted, horrified, there were no words. She wanted to cry. Wanted to scream, wanted to throw things. She got up, rubbing her face, not sure what to do next. She grabbed the files, putting all the documents back in order, before heading downstairs.

There was coffee brewing, opening cupboards at random, Cecilia finally found the mugs, poured, and enjoyed it black. The files were on the counter, the discolored yellow looking even more faded against the white Carrera marble. She sighed, she felt defeated. She wasn't sure how she would be able to face him now. Now that he knew. He had asked her to not judge him, but could he do the same. Was that why he had stopped her the night before. Did she disgust him? She felt dirty. Shaking her head, she topped off her mug.

She saw him coming in by the French doors, from the Terace, his hair dripping, his towel around his neck, his pants very low on his hips. He smiled at her, becoming concerned when he didn't see her respond.

"You read them all." It was a statement, not a question, he could see the files on the counter. "Did you sleep at all LyubImaya moyA*?" She couldn't look at him, instead she shook her head. No. He shook his head. Leaning against the counter, he flexed his shoulders. "Look at me RAdost' moyA*." She did, wondering what those Russian words meant. They sounded alien to her, but not harsh, not meaningless. Not to him. His voice softened when he said them. She wanted to cry, her lower lip trembled, and her eyes filled with tears, she felt him come into her personal space, taking the mug away from her, placing it on the marble top, he put his arms around her and and pulled her close.

The floodgates opened, Cecilia buried her face in his chest, and let it out. Everything she had held back in as long as she could, heard him talk to her in whispers, words she didn't understand,words that sounded sweet and full of concern. Words meant to lift her up and let her know he cared. He held her, kissing her neck lightly, while he whispered in her ear, he was warm and hard and smelled so good. She snaked her arms around him, holding tightly. Needing to feel comforted. Her sobs died down but she didn't move, just stayed there in his arms. His hair was still dripping, she could feel the drops on her arms, but she didn't care. Without thinking, she laid a kiss on his chest.

"I am so sorry he hurt you." A last sob left her throat, before she kissed his chest again. "LyubImaya moyA*. No one will ever hurt you again. I swear it." He seemed so sure. Cecilia looked up at him the, tear stained face looking so hopeful.

"I know." He leaned in and kissed her lightly, his lips tender, not pushing, not expecting anything more then to comfort her. She smiled and he broke the kiss, looking at her beautiful green eyes, so sad. Looking at him with such understanding. Such acceptance. He kissed her again, a little more demanding this time. Before stepping back and letting her get back to her coffee. He smiled at her, took the files, motioning towards his office, he disappeared,before reappearing wearing a tightly fit red t-shirt. Red was definitely his color. She appreciated the view, while finishing her coffee. Noticing the time, she realized she was hungry. Making herself at home, she prepared them both sandwiches. They ate in silence, right there on the counter, not bothering with plates.

"So, what's the plan for today?" Cecilia asked expectedly. He looked at her, a distressed look in his eyes.

"I leave for Moscow this evening." She looked at him, not understanding. "I live in Moscow during the week. I'll be back on Saturday." She seemed confused. "Michael will be here. He'll be able to show you around."

"What am I supposed to do here, without you?" She wanted to cry again. She was in a strange country, with people she didn't know, in a house far from everything, she had been brought here to be with him, and now he was leaving for the whole week. He looked stricken. "Can't I come with you." Her eyes were pleading. She knew she was being a brat, but she refused to be stabled here, while he traveled to Moscow to do what ever it is he did there. A light streak of jealousy hit her, and right away she felt embarrassed. She had no right to him, he wasn't her boyfriend, he was free to do what ever he wanted with anyone. Though they had brought her here for him. She was so confused, and a little hurt.

"I don't have a guest bedroom in Moscow, and the couch is not made for sleeping. It would be complicated LyubImaya moyA." She looked up at him, hurt in her eyes. "Not that I wouldn't enjoy having you in bed with me." He gave her a sexy grin.

"Then I can come?" She saw him contemplate the idea, studied her for a few seconds, before nodding.

"You may come." She beamed at him. "We leave after dinner. Take the minimum, I'll take you shopping tomorrow. I have a meeting in the morning, but then, we can make a day of it." He brushed her hair out of her face, before kissing her sweetly. His eyes sparkling, and smiling like she hadn't seen him smile before. "Go pack, then I have some work to do, I might need some of your professional help." She nodded, before heading to her room, packing, showering and dressing comfortably.

A few hours later they were both working, James at his desk, preparing for the next morning's meeting, and Cecilia, thrown over a chair, sitting sideways, her feet dangling off the arm rest, reading personnel files and taking notes. Her glasses at the tip of her nose, her hair in a messy bun, a pencil stuck in there so she wouldn't be looking for it. James kept stealing glances at her, she was so focused, so adorable. He chuckled to himself, shaking his head he went back to his report. He could remember it, like it was yesterday, she had been in that exact same position the first time he had seen her, sitting there in her large chair, with her quilt and her laptop, a pen in her hair... He stopped. Where was that coming from? He felt the beginning of a head ache build, a sharp pain in his temple. He got up to get a glass of water, but only managed to stumble, catching himself on his desk.

Instantly, Cecilia was by his side. Trying to hold him up, worried.

"You OK?" He couldn't answer. "James, What's wrong?" She saw him topple over, landing on the floor he crawled into a ball and rocked himself in place. Talking to himself, his eyes unfocused and he had a lost expression on his face. Cecilia panicked, running out of the office, she screamed for Michael, knowing he was somewhere in the house. Finally she found him, by the time she explained to him what had happened and they reached the office, James was lying on the couch near the bay window, his arm over his eyes, his breath shallow. Pale as a corpse.

For the next hour Cecilia was on him like mother hen, bringing him water and Tylenol, cold compresses, and just being overly cautious and motherly. She knew it bothered him, annoyed him, she just didn't care. He had scared the shit out of her. And so he owed her to let her take care of him. When finally he sat up, it was to words of concern and fear from his would be nurse.

"I am fine Cecilia. I just had a migraine." She looked at him, unsure. "They happen sometimes." He was trying to make it sound normal, but she wasn't having it.

"You worried me James. I though.. I don't know what I thought." He saw her worried look. Gently he pulled her to his lap.

"I am fine, no need to worry about me, I am as healthy as a horse." She still seemed like she would need more convincing. "I could show you, if you wanted me to." She blushed, looked away from him, leaving her neck open to his ministrations. Kisses and licks and nips. He made her shiver and giggle. Finally, she turned to kiss him, the worry gone, replaced by slight annoyment.

"Don't scare me like that again." He nodded.

By then it was time for a quick meal, before heading out, there was a helicopter waiting to take them to Moscow. And Cecilia just couldn't wrap her mind around that. A helicopter. WOW. She climbed in, not sure what to expect, the interior was far from what she had seen on TV or the movies. It was all leather seating, light beige, with cup holders, it was all over fancy. James chuckled at the look on her face, pulling her to the seat next to him, strapping her in her seat, before doing the same for himself. She counted, there was space enough for eight people, as they lifted off, she realized they didn't need head sets like in she had seen in shows either. She felt led on by the entertainment industry, and decided to concentrate on the view outside of the windows instead.

The sun was already set, a deep red hue to the horizon, as they got closer to Moscow, Cecilia was hypnotized by the lights, she could see the Kremlin, light up, beautiful. She was sure James had requested them to fly over just to please her, and she appreciated it. The city was magnificent. She simply could not wait to be walking down those streets, visit the many museums and churches, it was a dream come true. She felt his hand, soft on her knee, squeezing lightly when he saw her getting excited. She could see him looking at her in the reflection of the window, and she hoped he could see her smile.

His apartment was not as small as he had made it seem, there was a huge living room, opened to the kitchen and dinning area, the table was full of paper work and a laptop, the kitchen was well equipped, with the most recent appliances. Black counters, cupboards, black table, white couch and chairs, everything was modern. It was the polar opposite to the house on the lake but she liked it. There was a wall separating the living room from the bedroom, spacious, built in closets, black, again, a large four poster bed, with white linens, and a decadent full en suite bathroom, larger then she had ever seen. Everything was in black and white. It was classy, very clean, and quite well organized. But the best part, was the wall to wall floor to ceiling windows. It fit him. Just as the house on the lake fit him.

Tired, they settled for the night, Cecilia getting ready for bed wearing a t-shirt and panties, nothing fancy, comfort. James slept naked, but to accommodate his guest, he was willing to sacrifice and wear boxers. Walking out of the bathroom, fresh from his shower, he walked in on Cecilia, already in bed, getting herself comfortable, finishing off some notes on one of the files he had asked her to look at earlier that day. Before his "episode".

She was beautiful, so natural, no make up, no artifice. He noticed her scrunching up her nose, she wasn't wearing her glasses.

"You should wear your glasses. You'll hurt your eyes like that." She shrugged, continued her notes, flipping the page, she went on reading. "You can put that away, it's time for bed LyubImaya moyA." She looked at him, annoyed.

"I am almost done." Going back to her notes, she was surprised, when quick as can be, he pulled the file and the note pad out of her hands and put them down on his side of the bed. "I don't like competition; specially not in my own bed." She giggled.

"Really, competition?"

"Those files had all your attention" He looked at her innocently. "Come on, Love, time for bed." He turned off the lights on his side, then, leaning on her side, putting some of his weight on her, he turned the lights off on her side, taking his time to brush his lips on hers before laying down, waiting for her too get comfortable. He wasn't sure how they were going to do this, but he sure as hell didn't mind. She turned to her side, offering to be the little spoon, and he didn't hesitate, pulling her closer to him with his right arm, over her middle, his metal one under her pillow, he felt her cuddle up, then closed his eyes, feeling more content then he had in as long as he could remember. He heard her yawn.

"James?" Her voice was groggy. He grunted. "What did those words mean, in Russian? You know the ones you keep calling me?" He smiled in her hair.

"Hmmmm" He answered nonchalantly. " They mean, My Love, and My Joy, because that is what you are." He felt her cuddle closer. "Now go to sleep LyubImaya moyA"

*LyubImaya moyA : My Love

RAdost' moyA : My Joy


	23. Chapter 23

Waking up was blissful, she felt lips on her neck, a tongue, teeth lightly nipping, hands everywhere, caressing, rubbing, gently grabing. A moan escaped her throat, she pushed herself back into the hard planes of muscle behind her, felt a large bulge. Cecilia twisted to face the person lavishing this attention on her. His beautiful blue eyes boring into hers, there were no words, just his lips crashing on hers. Hard.

James pulled himself on his hands, framing her with his body, feeling her squirm underneath him. Kissing her harder, his metal hand slipped under her t-shirt, slowly pulling it off. Her breath hitched, panting, her eyes rolled and she moaned in a blissful kiss, giving him full access to plunder her mouth, his tongue going to town, dancing with hers. Demanding. There was no other word for this, he was demanding and would not take no for an answer, and she didn't want to deny him. Her hands worked their way on his body, nails digging, scratching, she needed him just as much as he needed her.

His hand reached between her legs and she was more then happy to spread them for him, his hand struggling to pull her panties, she raised her hips to help, his other hand on her breast, gently caressing, pulling her nipple, massaging, then switching to the other, he would not leave her wanting. She felt his fingers on her folds, sliding, gently at first, then a bit faster, a bit harder, before breaching and sinking into her in one swift move. She groaned, her head tilting backwards, his lips latching onto her neck. His fingers moved into her with practiced ease. Bringing her up and down a roller coaster of heat and passion and emotions, until the wave rose, higher, higher, and crashed. Leaving her panting and moaning his name; pulling him closer to her, whimpering. She felt him move his hand away, he moved a bit, taking off his boxers. She felt his hand come back to her, moving on her burning skin. But before, as he slid himself on her dripping parts, Cecilia, in a moment of lucidity, put her hand on his chest and stopped him.

"Rubbers, do you have any?" She was panting. His expression was confused, desperate. "I haven't been on birth control for months." He understood. More then she knew. He shook his head.

"No, but it's OK, I'll pull out." His lips went back to hers, shutting her up. But she pushed him off again.

"James, no, Ill finnish you off, we can do other things. OK?" She was dissapointed but pleading, he could see it in her eyes, and for some reason it pissed him off.

"I'll pull out, I swear." Her hand still on his chest, she felt him start to slide himself in. "God you feel so good."

"James. No, Please." He saw the look on her face, the hurt, the panic, the fear. But still, he slid in, bottoming out. It felt so good to be in her. He kissed her neck, kissed her lips, wanting her to get over what ever it is she was stuck on. But he felt her still try to push him off, harder, she was struggling, talking loudly, screaming, she wanted him off her, she slapped him, hard. And his eyes turned to steal. His metal hand grabbed both her hands, pulling them up and over he head, pinning them there. While her moved into her. Still she told him no, still she struggled. His hand set on her hip, pushing her down in to the mattress and he fucked her harder, faster, her screams died down, she went limp, the struggling stopped. And he let her wrists go, She felt so good on him, so hot and warm and wet. Better then anything he had ever felt, he was sure of it.

She moaned, it was against her will, but still, he body betrayed her, she was hurt and angry and sad and so, so confused. She had stopped struggling, it didn't matter he was so much stronger then her, she had said no, over and over again, and he had ignored her, she had pushed him off and he had resisted. Now, she laid there, limp, trying not to cry, telling herself that it would soon be over. The he would get bored of her laying there, not responding. But he didn't seem to be getting bored at all, in fact, he only rutted harder, deeper, faster, and her body responded, she was two people in one body, and she hated herself for it. Hated him for it. She felt his body shake, he moved faster, she saw him peak, his face blank, his eyes closed tight, and when he came in her, he roared. It was breathtaking. But still, she hated him. He lifted himself off her, gently, his hands moving on her, soft, but she refused to look at him.

"I said no." She sniffled, her tears coming down. He brushed them away with is fingers, and saw her throw herself backwards so he wouldn't touch her. His expression changed, even though Cecilia wasn't looking at him. His jaw clenched. "I said NO!" And she slapped him, again, harder. She saw the space where her hand had hit turn red, his eyes were murderous, and she flinched, grabbing the sheets to cover herself up, she backed herself up against the headboard, she had nowhere else to go. He was already on her, grabbing the sheets and pulling them away from her. Furious.

He grabbed her by the ankle and pulled her lower on the bed, she began struggling again and he let her, there was nothing she could do to get away, she knew it, he knew it, she only needed to realize it. Once he had her in the middle of the large bed, he climbed on top of her, grabbed a wrist in each hand and held her down, straddling her, his face so close to hers his nose touched hers. She was looking at him, her eyes huge, he saw fear and hurt and desperation.

"Why?" Her voice broke, she sounded so tiny, looked so fragile under him. "Why, James, I said No." He kissed her again, bruising. She didn't try to move away. Cecilia knew she was beaten.

"You will not leave me." She looked at him, hurt and confused.

"I thought I wasn't a prisoner." He nodded. "Then I can leave at anytime." He nodded again, his eyes becoming harder.

"Just because you can leave, doesn't mean I will make it easy for you." He kissed her neck. "I am a man desperate for you LyubImaya moyA, desperate to keep you." He licked her ear. "And desperate men are very dangerous." He looked at her, his deep blue eyes boring into hers. For a instant, she saw pain reflected in his eyes, she saw hurt and fear. But just as quick as it appeared,it was gone. "I will never let you leave me. I will always find you, always bring you back. And trust me when I say that I will do all that is in my power to make sure you have no other option then to stay here with me." His breath was hitching, she felt him rub himself on her again, slowly slipping back inside her, and though her back arched at the intense feeling of being filled again her brain was doing all it could to try and counter her natural reflexes. "You are not a prisoner LyubImaya moyA, but you are mine. You will always be mine." She looked at him, passed the shell, passed the soldier, the assassin, the spy, passed the WWII veteran, and into his soul, she saw it, she recognized it, desperation and terror. He was scared.

He kept her under him all night, taking her over and over, his stamina never letting up, he was proving to her that she was his, that there was nothing she could do to stop him, but still, he was gentle, and tender, telling her he loved her, that she was his everything, his world, and after that first horrible time, he forced her body to appreciate his ministrations. She would still struggle, sometimes, she would still say no, try to push, but they both knew by now that it was just for show. Cecilia let her mind wonder, far away while he used her body, while he showed his dominance. She came, her body taking over when her mind was away. She tried not to cry but failed. And it only made him more gentle, more loving, more... human.

It was very early in the morning, James was moving into her again, she could feel him shake, he was flushed, his face was beautiful, as always, he looked at her, talking to her in Russian, words of love she assumed. She felt him begin to shift speed, he was close. This time, instead of looking away from him, or closing her eyes, Cecilia framed his face with her hands, his pace faltered, just a bit. She looked him in the eye, gave a sad smile, laid a chaste kiss on his lips.

"I forgive you." It was but a whisper, but he heard her. She saw his eye grow wide, his mouth opened but no sound came, his eyes searched hers, looking panicked, then, she heard an agonizing groaned coming from his chest and he threw himself off of her. His hands in his hair, pulling, he looked horrifying. He grabbed his pants on the floor, slipped them on as he walked away, she heard the front door close, then nothing. Silence. She was alone.

Cecilia waited a bit before getting out of bed, she pulled a robe on, from the closet, and walked to the living room, dawn was breaking, but it was still dark enough outside to be able to see her reflection in the floor to ceiling windows, as clear as if it were a mirror. Her robe was opened, she could see herself, naked, red marks that would soon turn to blue and purple. She ached everywhere. She didn't look at her face, she knew what she would see there. She didn't need a reminder. She had seen that face in the mirror all through high school, and she couldn't bare to see it again now. walking to the sound system console, she chose a CD, popped it in, then found the bar, hidden away on a shelf, she grabbed a full bottle of anything, a glass, then, standing at the window looking at dawn come in, she drank, the red hues made it look like the city at her feet was on fire, cleansing, purifying. But not for her.

She had forgotten just how dangerous he was, that was on her. She had played with the devil and lost. She still loved him, This one and the other one, both James'. He was something she could not walk away from. She needed to be near him, her insides screamed when he was away and it killed her to have to admit that she had in fact already forgiven him. He was a desperate man. Desperate for what? That was the real question. Her wrists ached, everything ached. Had it been in different circumstances, she would have considered it a good pain. But not this morning, this morning it was a pain that reminded her of how much she was worth. Which, obviously wasn't much at all.

She emptied the bottle. It burned on the way down, but it felt good. Later she would regret throwing away her sobriety, probably, but for now, a nice burn was exactly what Cecilia needed. She took a shower, cleaned herself up, dressed. They had planned for her to meet him at his office for a late lunch, then go shopping. And that is exactly what they would do. If he was at the office, that is. His shoes were gone, so was his jacket. She assumed he had left here and gone to work. She knew she had shaken him with her last comment. Knew he needed time to think. He hadn't been himself. She knew that, professionally, she understood it, she could analyze it, but deep inside it didn't make her change how she saw herself, something worthless, that he could just use and abuse, just like Bryan had. Except she didn't love Bryan. She loved James.

The night before, James had pointed out to her the building where he worked, so, at half past noon, she pulled her boots on, grabbed her coat and left. It had looked to be maybe about two miles to his office building, so, she walked casually, taking her time, looking around, the sounds and smells of the city were drastically different the what she could remember from DC. It was a nice fall day, not cold, with just a bit a of a breeze. She knew she was being followed, she could feel it, but she didn't care, probably Michael's people, she had crossed a few streets, cut through a small park and found herself in front of the beautiful glass building James had mentioned. Breathing in and putting on he brave face, she walked in, of course she hadn't thought about the language barrier, until now.

The lobby was huge, industrial with mega metal support beams and so many windows it felt as sunny inside as it was outside, but warmer. She walked to the only desk there, a large thing with three women behind it answering phones and talking to people. There were guards in uniform everywhere, on closer inspection, soldiers, not guards. She put a smile on, before walking up to the blond woman at the front desk.

"Hi, I am sorry I don't speak Russian." The blond smiled, looking her over. Studying her. A light sneer appeared then vanished. Cecilia wasn't dressed to impress. In fact she was in a pair of jeans and knee high boots, not quire professional attire.

"What can I do for you Miss." Cecilia decided to pull rank, why not, she was this girl's boss's "girlfriend", wasn't she?

"My name is Cecilia Gaillard, I am here to see Yakov." The girl seemed surprised.

"Yakov?" Cecilia bit her lip, she wasn't sure what surname he went by, so she guessed.

"Winter." The girl's expression was priceless. She motioned for Cecilia to sit down in the reception area, then grabbed the phone closest to her and started talking fast. Of course, Cecilia understood none of it. A minute, maybe less went by, before she saw the girl walked away form her desk to come to her.

"It'll be a few minutes, His secretary will come find you, would you like a cup of coffee while you are waiting Miss Gaillard." Cecilia smiled and nodded.

It took maybe ten minutes for a middle aged woman to come and introduce herself. She was tall, taller then Cecilia, broad shouldered and seemed very professional.

"Good afternoon Miss Gaillard, I am Gerta, please, follow me." Putting the cup down, Cecilia followed the woman,whispering a thank you to the girls behind the desk, eliciting a small forced smile. There were many security points between the lobby and the elevators, and Cecilia was simply motioned through them. They went up to the thirty-fifth floor. She followed Gerta silently, no small talk. Cecilia was handed a key card, and a security tag. "These are for you, you will need them when you come here. Next time, just walk right through security and up to this floor." Then without another world, she continued down a hallway to a large set of double doors, opened one and motioned for Cecilia to walk in.

The door opened and he looked up, expectantly. After the night's fuck up, he was sure she hated him and would rather die than see him again. He felt bad about it, but now, after having gotten his emotions under control, he didn't feel quite as bad as he knew he should feel. He was a walking contradiction. When Gerta had come to him, letting him know he had a guest in the lobby, he had been more the pleasantly surprised.

James got up to greet her, seeing her walk in, he noticed how she had expertly hidden all the marks he had left. But seeing her looking everywhere but at him broke his heart. What had he expected. He had spent all night raping her. Because, if he was going to be honest about it, it had in fact been rape. Still, he felt bad about not feeling as bad he thought he should feel, if that made any sort of sense.

Cecilia walked in, the room was large but cozy, with plush chairs and a couch, all in light purplish grey. With a large rug on the stone floor. His desk was huge, modern, filled with paper, phones, two laptops and three more computer screens. The wall to ceiling windows let in the light, it felt good on her skin. It was a corner office, and he had a view of the Kremlin. She walked to the window and looked out. It was a beautiful day. James hadn't moved, still standing at his desk. He wasn't sure what to say. What to do, so he said and did nothing, and waited, He was a very patient man.

"I hope you are done soon, I am starving." She said as she turned to look in his direction, but not at him. She couldn't do that yet. It seem to break him out of his trance.

"It's nothing that cannot wait." He grabbed his coat from a closet in the wall and walked towards her. He saw her tense, he knew she was controlling herself, making herself stay there instead of fleeing. He stopped inches away from her, and still she wouldn't look at him. Gently, his fingers brought her face up so he could look into her eye. Those beautiful pools of green, still brimmed with red. She had been drinking, he could see it, smell it on her, just a light scent. He hated himself for that. For pushing her to hide in the drink. "I am sorry I hurt you, But I am not sorry I took you." Cecilia pulled away violently. Twisting to get away; he grabbed her arm and pulled her to him. Turning her to face him again. "It was wrong of me. But It felt so right. Please. Forgive me." His eyes were full of regret, but she didn't see it, instead she noticed his shoes had scuffs, they would need to be shined. She nodded absently.

"Lets go eat James. I don't want to talk about this. Please." He heard the shaky voice and let it go. They would talk about it eventually, but not now. He tentatively took her hand in his, his fingers between hers, it felt nice. She let him. Letting herself be pulled closer to him. He switched hands, his right hand taking hers in front of them and his metal arm coming around her shoulders, pulling her even closer, and she let him. They walked out of the building, Cecilia still nestled against him. While crossing the lobby, she made a point to look towards the front desk, finding the blond, she smiled, seeing a look of confusion and envy on the girl's face. It made her feel a bit better.

Outside, James dismissed the driver, instead, they walked a few blocks to a hotel, the plate in the front read "Ritz Carleton." He was taking her to the Ritz. She tried to suppress a small smile, but James noticed.

"Nothing to good for you my darling Cecilia." He pulled the door opened for her, before pulling her by the waist again and walking together to the restaurant. Cecilia was awed, this place was beautiful, exactly what she would have expected the Ritz to be. She saw him giving her a sideways glance before a tight grin appeared on his lip. He felt bad, he was trying to make amends, in his own way. He wanted her to be happy. And though last night had been a HUGE jump backwards, he would try to work from here. He would try to regain what he had lost.

They walked up the huge spiraling staircase to the right, then walked straight into a beautiful dark and very intimate feeling restaurant. James spoke to the Maitre d'Hotel, then, with a smile, he led them to a table, nestled in a corner, far from anyone else, where they could feel alone. Private. James pulled her chair out and she thanked him as she sat. No one had ever done that for her. Looking around she found she liked the atmosphere, purple velvet chairs, dark woods and silver threaded cushions. She let James order for them, he seemed to know his way around the menu.

Now alone, he reached for her hand, which she promptly hid under the table. Still she refused to look at him. Not trusting herself not to cry or look pitiful. She felt so ashamed. Here she was at a restaurant with the man that forced himself on her, and all she wanted to do was throw herself at him, kiss him, hold him, fit tightly into his waiting arms. And that scared her. It was not a "Normal" reaction. She heard his frustrated intake of breath.

"I am that man." What? She looked up at him, confused. "In the alley, that night, in DC. I am that man. I hurt you, I used you. I am exactly like that man in the alley, the one you stopped me from killing." Her eyes widened. Was he talking about THAT night, the one that started it all. "I have flashes, sometimes, they hurt, migraines." He gave her an look full of self hatred. "I came back to me this morning, when you kissed me. It hit me, the flash, the memory." He sighed. "I just, I needed to make sure you were mine, the things I said.."

"You meant every single one of those things James." She interrupted him. He nodded, solemn.

"Even the ones I whispered in your ear. Most definitely those." He saw her hesitate, her breath caught in her throat.

"I know." He heard her voice break, her eyes darting here and there. Still not looking at him. "It's what makes this so hard James. I can't hate you." She finally looked at him, tears in her eyes, she wiped them quickly with the back of her hand as the waiter came by, a bottle of champagne, popping the cork he poured the content in two champagne flutes, putting the bottle on ice, he left.

"Champagne?" She asked raising her eyebrow at him. He shrugged.

"We will work on your sobriety tomorrow. Today is already shot anyways." She nodded. Picked up her glass. "To us, a new beginning?" She nodded again, trying a small sad smile. She sipped, the bubbles tickling her throat on the way down.

"What else do you remember?" The bubbles in the glass rose up, one by one, there always seem to be more, like it was never ending.

"The first time I saw you, how beautiful you were, with your hair up and a pencil stuck in there. Steve scared you and you squealed like a frightened animal." He chuckled. She smiled, embarrassed. "You were the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, still are. Always will be." She blushed crimson. "There she is." He teased her, making her blush even more. He got more serious when he continued. "I remember our times together, our goodbye at the airfield. But most of all I remember how I felt, arriving home, hoping to see you, to be told that you were gone." This time she looked at him. She felt guilty, he seemed hurt, betrayed.

"You left me. After a whole week of thinking of you, day and night, you just left. No goodbye, no explanation, you let someone else tell me. You ran away." She felt the accusation. "You left me." He sounded so alone, so lost in that moment. "You pushed me away." He seemed to snap out of what ever memory he was reliving. "I will never let you push me away again Cecilia." He pulled her hand across the table, holding it under his own. "Do you understand? NEVER." This was HER James talking, not the one from last night, not the controlling one, no, this was the one that loved her more then anything.

She swallowed another sip, her throat suddenly dry. She nodded. He was griping her hand tighter, it was starting to hurt. Then he let her go. Sat back straight in his chair. Looking serious.

"I understand."

That evening, returning home after yet another decadent dinner, arms full of shopping bags, tired, feet sore, Cecilia let herself drop on the couch. They had walked everywhere, it had been a beautiful day, just the two of them, and the driver following with the car to carry the bags. She was not used to being pampered, but she could easily get used to it. James had teased her all afternoon about spending all his hard earned money, but each time she looked at something, he would buy it for her. It was mildly distressing. She looked at the bags, and decided there was nothing she wanted to do about them now. She would put everything away tomorrow.

James sat on the coffee table in front of her, took her foot in his hand and pulled her boots off, one at a time. Then proceeded to massaging her feet. It tickled.

"Go take a shower, Ill finish some paper work here and join you in bed." He saw her eyes widen a bit. "I can sleep on the couch if you want." He added softly. She shook her head.

"No, I just, it's OK Ill be OK." It was still very stressed between them both, but James would take his time, he would gain her trust again. He had to. She looked through a few bags, before finding what she was looking for and heading for the bathroom. He watched her go, heading to the table, he sat and turned his laptop on. He had a report to finish. He took his time, figuring she needed her space, the water was running in the shower, he looked at the time on his laptop, a little over an hour now, she had been in there a long time, to long. He left his papers and his computer to go check on her.

The bathroom was cold, just like the water coming from the shower, Cecilia was huddled in a corner, shivering, holding her knees tightly again her chest, her head down, the cold water running over her. Shit. Quickly, James stepped in to the shower, turned off the water, he grabbed a towel a few feet away on the counter, bent down, wrapped her in the white cotton fabric and picked her up, holding her tight against him. On his way out he noticed the medicine cabinet was left open, there were empty medicine bottles in the sink, his pain medication. Shit. She groaned in his arms. Looking at her he saw her face, pale, she looked green, her pulse was week. Holding her with one hand, he grabbed his phone in the other and called for reinforcements. Gently, he placed her on the ground in the shower, he sat behind her, holding her up, and, as gently as possible, he put his fingers down her throat to force her to vomit. He held her while she threw everything up, even her lunch.

What had he done?


	24. Chapter 24

Light behind her eyelids, then dark, then light again, blinding, even though she knew her eyes were closed. She could hear talking around here, someone yelling a voice she knew, but it all seemed so far away. Then there was a bad taste in her mouth, something forced dowm her throat, her stomach churned, it hurt, so much. Everything happened, there was nothing for her to do. She just let the world toss her here and there, not fighting back, not acting, not reacting, just being. She retched and what ever had been pushed down her throat was pulled out, it burned, she threw up, gagging, her breath coming short, the pain, retching again, screaming, crying as everything came out, as there was nothing left.

A light voice, soft but determined, telling her to hold on, to stay strong, to not give up. Why couldn't they just leave her alone. There was nothing left of her, it had all beed scraped away, layer by layer, year after year, since she was a child. They had taken it all. Everything she had even been. It was gone. She retched again, less pain, her head feeling light, her eyes still closed, she felt herself fall backwards...

It was dark, a beeping noise seemed to be right by her ear, and it was annoying. Cecilia opened her eyes, slowly, her head still felt heavy, her mouth was pasty, she felt like shit. She looked around a tube attached to a saline solution bag, the dispenser beeping. She looked around, she was alone, in a very large hospital room, she could see a man's suit jacket lying on the back of a chair, a tie, shoes. Whomever had been here, must have gone to get a nurse when the machine had started making that dreadful noise.

She heard voices coming towards here, hushed, she realized the lights in the hall and her room were dimmed, it must be night time. She one of the voices was getting louder, it sounded annoyed, exasperated. Cecilia found the remote to lift the top side of the bed, she wanted to sit up. The bed made a mechanical sound, and soon she was in a comfortable sitting position. Looking at herself, she noticed she was not in a hospital gown, but in one of the nice night gowns she had chosen while shopping with James. Her head snapped up, just was James and a nursed walked into the room. He rushed to her, not bothering with finishing his sentence, while the nurse took care of the dispenser. He sat on the side of her bed, much larger then the hospital beds she was used to, and leaned in close to her. She felt him kiss her forehead, closed her eyes, it felt so nice.

"What happened?" She croaked, her throat hurt. James handed her a glass of water, she drank. "Why am I in the hospital?" She remembered getting home, preparing for her shower, then nothing. Maybe she had slipped and hit her head.

James seemed concerned. And that made her nervous.

"What is, it, what happened?" He took her hand in his metal one, his other caressing her cheek, brushing her hair behind her ear.

"Golubushka*, do you remember Monday night?" His voice was so soft, almost a whisper. She nodded.

"I came to your work and we went for lunch, we talked, then you took me shopping" She giggled a bit. "Spoiled me." He chuckled. "We had diner, we got home, and... I started the shower, looked in the mirror..." He expression changed, her eyes went wide in terror, her color drained, she started shivering. James pulled her in his arms.

"I got you Cecilia, I got you. It's ok." He held her close, his hand in her hair, soothing her. She breathed, in and out, slowly, trying to control her emotions.

"I tried to kill myself." Her tone was flat, no emotions. "I took your pills." She looked horrified. "Oh my God! James, I am so sorry." She held on to him, tightly, never wanting to let him go. "I am so sorry Baby. It wasn't because of you, I swear, It wasn't." He pulled away a bit, not truly believing her. She held on to his arms, looking at him in the eyes, serious, solemn.

"James, I swear, it wasn't because of you, It had nothing to do with you." He looked at her, the fear and anxiety in her eyes, the lower lip threatening to tremble, her muscles so tight he thought she could snap at anytime. "I love you James." He gave her a tiny smile. "I love you and I will never push you away." She saw him hesitate. When he pulled her into him, it was to hold her as close and as tight as possible. He would never let her go.

"Don't ever scare me like that again. I thought i was going to loose you." His voice was shaky but he regained control. There was a sound at the door, someone clearing their throat, James let go of Cecilia, turning to see who it was, Cecilia did the same, Surprised when she sawa a face she recognised.

"You leave the country for less then a week and already you're finding ways to make come to visit you."  
Steve.

"Bucky called me,I mean, James. You OK Giggles?" He looked so worried, so tired. James got up to greet him, they shook hands, then, after a few seconds hesitation, they hugged. Both men holding tight to the other. When that was done, Steve took Jame's spot on her bed.

"What happened Cecilia?You were doing so well." He sounded so worried.

"I am fine Steve, I'll be OK." She tried to smile but it simply did not reach her eyes. She was broken, again. "Ill live." Steve chuckled.

"Sure, now you will, after Bucky here saved your life." She smiled that time, a small smile. Looking at James, her smile grew just a bit. "Are you going to stay here with him, or come home with me?" She looked at him, a little confused.

"I'm staying with James. I'm sorry I can't leave him." Steve gave her a sad smile.

"I knew you would say that." He looked back at James. "She loves you. You know that, right?" James nodded.

"Yes, Captain, I know that. Trust me when I tell you it is not solely one sided. She is my whole life." Steve had problems believing him, he had heard his voice on the phone, while siting in the shower with her, he had heard his distress and fear and terror. It had taken him a day and a half to get to Moscow to be with them. James was heartbroken, a wreck. He believed he had pushed Cecilia to suicide. It had taken Steve hours to convince him other wise. They had spent three nights in this hospital, taking turns waiting by her bedside, James never wanting to leave, but Steve had persuaded him, made him realize she needed him to stay strong, to be healthy and so, everyday he would go home, eat, shower change and come straight back.

The two men spent the time together talking, catching up, James was beginning to remember more, to feel more complete. He was feeling more himself. By the time Cecilia woke up on Friday night, the two men were once again as tight as brothers.

Cecilia stayed another few days in the hospital, James' orders, and was free to leave by Monday. James had come to pick her up, he had opened the car door for her and driven them home. His hand holding hers the whole time, the joys of driving an automatic. HE was always touching her, holding her hand, or caressing her arm or her cheek, brushing her hair, but since her return to consciousness on Friday, he had not yet kissed her, and that made her a bit uneasy. Was there something wrong. Was he trying to break it off with her. Would he send her home with Steve, while stayed here in Moscow ?

They reached the apartment, Cecilia noticed the luggage by the door, three huge suitcases and a travel bag. He was sending her home. She had been right. He saw her looking at the luggage, sighed heavily, before rubbing his face with his hands, frustrated.

"I am not leaving you. I won't go without you." She wanted to cry. He looked at her, an expression she couldn't read on his face.

"Good, because I am coming with you. We are going back home." She looked startled.

"I'm sorry, what?" He chuckled.

"Were going home. We're leaving tomorrow morning for New York, You, me and Steve." Cecilia was certain she had miss heard.

"What about you, here, you career. Everything." He pulled her to him, gently, he leaned into her, he kissed her neck, slowly.

"Cecilia, you are the most important thing in my life." He whispered in her ear. "I would walk the world you, I would ravage whole nations in your name, I would burn the Oceans if that was your will. You are not happy here, you need me to be who I was. So, I will go to New York, and I will do my best to be who you need me to be. I love you." He leaned into her, his lips taking her in a searing kiss. Leaving her breathless. He would give his live up for her. He would work through his issues for her, he would do what it took for her, as long as she never pushed him away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this story, i hope you liked it. I had a lot of fun writing it, and now that it is dine i can move on to other ideas, other stories :) If you have comments or prompts or anything, msg me or add in comments.


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